Monday, June 7, 2010

Top 15 Awful Video Game Based On Films

I figured if I dealt with terrible movie adaptations, then I might as well do video games next. The film and video game industries have the same relationship similar to Israel and Palestine. Film studios think video games are taking away revenue with kids these days staying home and playing their Xbox. So they go off and make shitty movies based off of video games like Super Mario, Street Fighter, Double Dragon, Hitman, and Doom. Meanwhile, video game companies flip the bird back at them by making shitty games based off of movies.

As you'll see, film video games are absolutely no substitute for watching the actual film. There's a whole laundry list of flaws found in these games: numerous glitches and bugs, terrible voice acting from people trying to impersonate the original actors from the film, irrelevant game plots that doesn't even have to do with the movie, and so on.

One thing I wanna point out: not all games based off movies are bad. Gems like Goldeneye 007 and Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay are extreme rarities among a dung field of movie games. However, finding a good video game based on a movie is like finding a needle in a haystack with so much horrible movie games out there.

1. Total Recall (NES)

Broken game is broken. No, literally. Acclaim's Total Recall will always be the poster child of when movie games that get rushed.

Just completing the first level, which is no easy task mind you, shows that the mutant baby freak that resides in that guy's stomach seems perfectly normal compared to what you have to encounter in Level 1. Here's a list of the "enemies" to be on the look out for:

- Pink-suited midgets that drag you into back alleyways for no good reason at all but to jab at your crotch
-Police officers who jump out of second-story windows, while defying gravity
-The pink-suited midget's brother who lives in trashcans and wears sunglasses
-Fists popping out of glory holes (in reality, they look more like dicks trying to molest Arnold)
-An apparently senile old man who drops bombs out a window while getting his training from Dick Dastardly's School of Dastardly Deeds

You wonder why Arnie's mug looks so pissed off every time you get killed in a level. Another huge problem with this "game" is that more than likely you'll encounter multiple bugs and glitches that would render Total Recall unplayable. For example, in one run during the game, the entire level got all seizure like on me and it became impossible to finish the level.

Also, apparently the Total Recall game wanted you to know that Michael Ironsides was immortal alright even when you try to shoot him with a hundred bullets. Hell, even the creepy bastard tried to follow you if you remained idle for a few seconds and killed your ass. I like Michael Ironsides, but I don't think Arnold would have been too intimidated by him if he started to stalk him in real life.

The funny thing about Total Recall is back when it first came out, Acclaim (the game's developer) threw a hissy fit when a game magazine gave it unfavorable reviews and threatened to pull all advertising for its games from the magazine. Luckily, common sense prevailed and no one cared that Acclaim attempted to make such a move because most of their video games sucked.

2. Street Fighter: The Movie (Arcade, Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)

OK folks, try to wrap your head around this one: its a game based off of a movie based off a game in which this particular game copies another game. With me so far?

This atrocity all began when the ever popular Street Fighter II was translated into film that wound up being quite a goofy movie. I'll give the Street Fighter movie credit because it may be corny and cheesy to watch today, but it's not that bad since Jean Cladue Van Damme is just a lovable, wacky old fellow. What I find rather interesting is that Capcom gave the go-ahead to develop an arcade game based on the very movie even though they already have a tremendous fanbase with its own Street Fighter games. My guess is the movie studio behind the Street Fighter insisted they needed a game directly tied to the film.

Instead of Capcom just repackaging their Street Fighter II game for the umpteenth time, they used digital capture images from the film's actors and made it into an arcade game that looked like a complete Mortal Kombat ripoff. To best describe how bad this game was, think of it as Steven Speilberg makes another E.T. movie but replaces all of the actors with Muppets.

And gee, what a coincidence, speaking about E.T....

3. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (Atari 2600)

Where to begin with what could have been the complete downfall of the video game industry itself? Before Nintendo became the leading name in video games, Atari secured it placed in the market as the #1 name in video games even though it was a brand new medium at the time. However, Atari's philosophy during that time was all about "quantity over quality" and it wasn't more truer when they produced the E.T. game for their Atari 2600 systems.

Let's get one thing straight; the E.T. game flat out sucked. There was absolutely no redeeming value found in this torturous wreck. Also, there was no possible way to actually beat this game because the poor alien bastard would get trapped in bottomless pits. Even if there were cheat devices like Game Genie or ProAction back then, it still wouldn't have helped you to get pass the obstacle. Soon, kids cried to their mothers for buying such a cruel game and then the moms returned the game to toy stores across America so they didn't seem like unloving parents.

And speaking about bottomless pits, real life imitated art when Atari was stuck with about 3.5 million copies of the game since no one wanted to buy it or it had been sent back by toy store returns, so they dumped all the remaining copies in a Texas landfill to bury their horrible, horrible mistake.

Unfortunately, even buried some 30 feet underground, the E.T. game had a huge negative effect on the video game industry. Atari lost about $586 million because of the game's failure and ultimately became bankrupt a year later. More importantly, the game left an earth-shattering impact on the video game industry itself in the early 80's as the American video game market crashed and many video game companies went under. It wouldn't be until several years later when video games became big again thanks to Nintendo's NES system.

So think of it as this; imagine each copy of the E.T. game as a piece of turd. Imagine the chaos that would ensue when you pile together 3.5 million pieces of turd.

4. The Addams Family (NES)

I know Gomez Addams was suppose to look like some sort of creepy character as the patriarch of the Addams Family, but with the NES video game, you'll think he looks like a convicted child rapist.

This game based off the 1991 Addams Family movie was definitely a practice in laziness from the game's developer Ocean Software because literally 80% of the game is just the same background and enemies used with different color swaps. Plus, with no real sense of direction throughout this game, you begin to wonder if Ocean were more of a Munsters fan than Addams Family or just didn't give two shits in making this game.

5. Enter the Matrix (PS2, Gamecube, Xbox)

What blows my mind about this dreadful movie video game is that people actually enjoyed this. I understand that Matrix fans are attracted to the fact that this game tied some of the loose ends found in Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, but that is no excuse to play what is considered to be quite a crappy game.

The biggest issue with Enter the Matrix is the various bugs and glitches featured in this game that would make any average gameplayer go fucking nuts. For example, imagine the rage you'll have finding out there's no way to escape being stuck in the wall and have to hit the reset button.

You see that maybe it isn't so bad being captured by machines and used as a battery compared to the god-forsaken Enter the Matrix game.

6. White Men Can't Jump (3DO)

I don't know if it's racist to imply Caucasian males can't play basketball, but in any case, the movie was considered to be good. You can't say the same for the 3DO video game based on White Men Can't Jump since it showed why the 3DO system was a lousy gaming console to begin with.

Think about it -- does it really make sense to bring out a game that involves you, the player, surprising African-American street hoopsters that a white man can jump? I don't know who exactly would be appealed by this 3DO game except for scrawny white boys who got ridiculed on the b-ball court in school. You'd be better off hosting Charles Barkley's Shut Up and Jam! tournaments at your crib than be caught dead playing this poo-poo platter with your buddies.

7. Mean Girls (Nintendo DS)

Hold on, back the fuck up. You're telling me that there's a Mean Girls video game that recently came out even though the original movie came out about 6 years ago. That's just as insane as watching Lindsey Lohan hosting a vodka party with her rehab group.

Don't get too excited though. This game doesn't feature a pre-coked up Lohan prancing around in skimpy outfits with high school girls. The Mean Girls game is nothing more than a cheap Puzzle Quest ripoff that has you matching puzzle pieces, lipsticks, and high heels so that you can hear asinine insults from voice actresses who want to be anywhere else but here. I bet this DS game would have been more successful if it just had Lohan on the cover and the game was actually nothing more than a Photoshopped picture of her being naked.

8. Fight Club (PS2, Xbox)

While I'm just like some of you who loathe hearing pathetic fanboys harp on and on about the Fight Club novel and movie, I rather sit through an all-day discussion about it than play this crappy game. Ironically, the very same fanboys were absolutely horrified to realize that none of those subliminal messages about commercialism can be found in this game. In fact, this video game adaptation delivers the complete opposite message because you have Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst as a playable character in this game along with 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln (WTF?) I'm assuming the only reason the port was ever made was to get back at all those fanboys who kept sending love letters to Chuck Palahniuk.

9. Little Nicky (Game Boy Color)

Adam Sandler is just another example of how bad things can be when you're a former shell of yourself. Nowadays he reminds me of a 40-year-old frat boy who won't leave the fraternity house when everyone else wants him to get the hell out. The 2000 movie, Little Nicky, is just about when audiences realized Sandler is a retard playing a retard. The movie itself was dumb, but the game that came along with was severe mental retardation.

Nintendo's Game Boy was notorious for having multiple crappy movie-based games and this one was no exception. However, what really irks me is that a few game magazines gave it favorable reviews when it came out. My only guess how that could have happened is the reviewers didn't bother to play Game Boy games and just bullshitted about the game based on the movie they saw.

10. Independence Day (Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)

I remember there was a good amount of hype for the ID4 game just like its Hollywood sibling. Now, I know it makes a lot of sense to have a game based on a big budget blockbuster involving fighter planes and alien warships engaging in dogfights, but this was executed rather poorly especially compared to other flying simulator/action games like Warhawk and Ace Combat which did things right. Instead, Independence Day the video game offered tedious game mechanics and dreadful graphics with pixels bleeding all over the place and stages doing disappearing tricks. Imagine flying around hours and hours of trying to figure out what the hell you're suppose to do until you realize it the same god-damn objective you've been doing throughout the game -- blowing up pixelated alien spaceships and other unidentifiable in-game objects.

11. Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green (PC, Xbox)

Wow, was it really hard to make a decent zombie-action game when it's been done about a thousand times already? Apparently the Canucks over at Groove Games thought it was such a difficult task to undertake such a cool concept like George Romero's zombie flicks and ended up shitting out a buggy, glitched-filled game that's 0% fun to play. I could have settled with just a mindless shooting game where you shoot everything that moves, but I've seen modded first-person shooters created by 10 year olds much better than this.

12. Charlie's Angels (Nintendo Gamecube, Playstation 2)

I cannot find any good reason to play this dud. Even if you were a horny teenage boy dealing with puberty, you're better off playing the jiggly-breasts fest of Dead Or Alive than Charlie's Angels.

What amazes me about this game is that for a title that rides on the fact it's a Final Fight with bikini-clad women can still be unplayable. The look on Drew Barrymore's face on the cover looks like she's asking herself, "What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"

13. Friday the 13th (NES)

Wooooo boy, where to begin with this one? The reason this game has stood the test of time is for being an epic failure of a game. Instead of Jason Voorhes being the menacing beast of a serial killer as he is in the movies, this NES port has him as a bumbling idiot wearing purple jammies while brandishing a giant toothbrush. I'll cut the game's makers, LJN, some slack if they did this only to satisfy Nintendo's strict standards and practices, but otherwise it looks like the guys at LJN were watching the wrong movie.

14. Waterworld (Virtual Boy)

Listen folks, with the amount of firepower this bomb of a game based on a bomb of a movie for a bomb of a game system, you have enough to set off 10 atomic bombs. If you happened to overcome the motion sickness of shoving your eyes to a Virtual Boy, then you'll know how ill-conceived the Virtual Boy was. No matter what game you played on it -- even if it was a Super Mario or Zelda game -- you got nothing but the red menace graphics while trying to figure out what in the world is going on.

I guess it's perfectly fitting for a Kevin Costner movie that was a multi-million dollar flop to be featured on a system that was a flop as well.

15. Congo: The Video Game (Sega Saturn)

Remember back in the day when games that featured full-motion video clips screamed "ITS ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING THE MOVIE"? We sure have come a long way buddy.

The biggest flaw about Congo (despite the fact the movie wasn't even that good to begin with) was its blatant use of FMV throughout the game. This Sega-produced game was mostly about scientists, tribesmen, and other casts of characters babbling about diamonds and monkeys while giant black and green pixels attacked you with red and blue squares. If you happen to understand what was actually going on throughout this entire process, please feel free to e-mail to enlighten me.

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