Most Surreal Crossovers Ever

In comic book lore, crossovers are quite common.  Every now and then we would see Spider-Man teaming up with X-Men to take down an awesome threat or Superman pairing up with Batman to make every villains' lives miserable.  Hell, nowadays it's not uncommon to see the Marvel universe cross over into the DC universe.  

But outside the comic book medium, crossovers can range from the obvious (The Flintstones meets The Jetsons) to the absolutely bizarre (Gary Coleman prancing around with My Little Pony).  Today, we're going to focus on undoubtedly the most surreal crossovers where worlds literally collide.  I'm not talking about a simple Scooby Doo meets Three Stooges crossover.  These are the type of pair ups that will make you shit in your pants while you're watching in disbelief.

While there are plenty of fan fictions out there that has stuff like Harry Potter meeting Naruto, realize these crossovers are canon and kosher (well, mostly).

15. Howard Stern meets Billy West meets Conan O'Brien

Some of you may not recognize Billy West in person, but if I were to tell you that he is the voice of classic characters such as Ren & Stimpy, Nickelodeon's Doug, and Fry from Futurama, then you'll know how crazy this meeting of the minds was.

Most fans of the Howard Stern Radio Show will agree that the mid 90's was a great time to listen to the show thanks to Billy West's voice work as the "Jackie Puppet".

What the Jackie Puppet was all about is West's unrelenting egging on Stern show fixture Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.  So when Conan stopped by the show in late 1994, the gang gave Conan a "farewell" party for Coco as he was rumored to be fired from his Late Night show and be replaced by Greg Kinnear (eerily similar to 2010 when he did get replaced).  As the interview went on, hearing West as the Jackie Puppet interact with Conan was simply hilarious.

For someone who grew up watching Ren & Stimpy and Doug as a kid on Nickelodeon, it makes it extra special hearing West riff on Conan O'Brien while all on the Howard Stern Radio Show.

14. Sting meets Robocop

 Now here's a crossover that would made more sense if it was some kid playing with his Sting action figure along with his Robocop action figure.  Crossovers aren't uncommon in wrestling as we've seen celebrities before mingle with wrestlers like when Mr. T teamed up with Hulk Hogan at the first Wrestlemania or recently when the Muppets invaded Monday Night Raw.  But when your special guest celebrity becomes a real integral part of the main event, you know shit's gonna hit the fan.

Back in 1990, WCW superstar Sting was embroiled in a battle with the Four Horsemen (led by Ric Flair).  So at Capital Combat '90 in Washington D.C., Sting was going bring some backup to take down the Horsemen.  Was it going to be the Steiner Brothers?  Lex Luger?  The Road Warriors?  No silly, he's got the Metal Man from Detroit, Robocop as his backup!

In the final segment of the PPV, the Four Horseman manage to capture Sting inside a "steel" cage while Robocop trots down the rampway.  After what seems like an eternity, Robocop finally comes to the aid of Sting by pulling off the cage door and the Four Horsemen cower away from the bag of bolts.  

OK, so the cage was actually made of rubber and if I'm not mistaken, it looks like OCP was broke at the time as Robocop's armor was now made of plastic.

13. "Bruce Lee" meets Popeye

China: the eternal land of bootleg where any surreal crossover is possible.  I've seen street vendors in Chinatown hawk bootleg Pokemon games that claim to have Pikachu fighting a T-Rex.   The words "copyright" and "licensed" are just as foreign to them as democracy.  There are plenty of bootleg movies out there in China that use copyrighted characters, but this one truly is a gem.


While the rest of the world mourned the untimely death of legendary martial artist Bruce Lee, it was business as usual for China as they brought in a Bruce Lee impersonator to star in a "Bruce Lee" movie.  Now this wasn't just any movie mind you.  Whoever directed "The Dragon Lives Again" wanted this one to be a blockbuster for the ages.  Hey, makes sense when the movie proclaims to be, I quote, "Dedicated to the Millions Who Love Bruce Lee".  In this film alone, we see "Bruce Lee" taking on Dracula, a Chinese Clint Eastwood, James Bond, a Chinese Michael Corleone from The Godfather, and many more.  It gets even better as Bruce Lee teams up with the ultimate sidekick, POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN

Well blow me down.  There is absolutely no denying this is the good ol' Popeye helping out the Dragon.  The trademark pipe whistle, the theme song, the spinach, the giggles; this was surely the American hero of a sailor man bringing down Dracula and the Mummy alongside Bruce Lee.  I don't know about you, but if you happen to find a copy of "The Dragon Lives Again", by all means get it.


12. Super Mario meets Sonic the Hedgehog

Now here's a case of "too little, too late".  

As a kid growing up in the 90's, it was a very interesting time to play video games.  On one hand, you had Nintendo with an iron grip on the video game market since the 1980's as an Italian plumber by the name of Mario was the face of the company.  On the other hand, Sega threw all its marbles down to go head on against Nintendo and brought out a hedgehog with attitude named Sonic to dethrone Mario and Nintendo's throne.  Mudslinging took place from both sides while both companies released new consoles throughout the 90s.  At one point, Sega seemed to have the upper hand thanks to Sonic's persona and a host of great games on the Genesis.  However, as time went by, there was no turning back for Nintendo as it gained the advantage by releasing the Super NES and Nintendo 64.  When it was all said and done, Nintendo crushed the competition and Sega eventually pulled out of the console market in 2001.

Shortly after Sega stopped making consoles, they switched gears and started making games for their once bitter rival, Nintendo.  In fact, one of their first games after they got out of the hardware market was a Sonic game for the Nintendo Gamecube.   By then, a Mario & Sonic game didn't seem out of the question and many game players were excited about the prospect.  Unfortunately, neither Nintendo or Sega capitalized on this as they waited about 7 years later to finally make a meeting of the video game mascots a reality.  So in late 2007, Nintendo's Mario and Sega's Sonic finally go head to head in....the Beijing Olympics???

It's true.  Nintendo and Sega decided it would be best for the two biggest names in video game crossover for the first time in a Nintendo Wii game that's all about the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.  How crazy is that?  If you think about it, it's rather ironic Mario and Sonic meet each other in a game that deals with a sporting event in China because Lord knows there probably was a bootleg Mario and Sonic game already out there in the People's Republic.

Hey, as a consolation prize, you can relive your fanboyism by beating up Mario as Sonic or vice versa in Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii.

 
11. Ozzy Osbourne meets The Muppets

  
If you know the Muppets, you know crossovers are nothing new to them.  Hell, The Muppet Show was all about crossovers.  During its run, Kermit and the gang have hosted a spectrum of celebrities such as Steve Martin, Vincent Price, Milton Berle, George Burns, Elton John, Peter Sellers, Bob Hope, Andy Warhol, Liberace, and much, much more.  More importantly, there was even a Star Wars and Muppets crossover when the cast from Star Wars (including Mark Hamill, R2-D2, and Chewbacca) all showed up on The Muppet Show.  For many, they would consider this to be quite a surreal crossover and possibly the biggest crossover in Muppet Show history, but I think differently.  One thing, Frank Oz was the brains behind The Muppet Show along with Jim Henson and also worked with George Lucas while playing Yoda in Star Wars.  So it wasn't necessarily a meeting out of the blue for them as Lucas probably wanted to do Oz a favor.

So what is the most surreal crossover the Muppets have ever encountered?  That would be a man who've never been on The Muppet Show, yet have met with the Muppets plenty of times -- "The Prince of Darkness" Ozzy Osbourne.

That's just insane listening to Ozzy singalong with the adorable Miss Piggy to Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild".  I'll betcha when Ozzy finally met the Muppets, he thought he came across his long lost relatives.  And why not?  People do mistake him for a muppet these days.  But what really makes Ozzy and Kermit's meeting much more important than the numerous celebrity appearances ever featured on the Muppet Show?  That's because the Ozzman and the Frog met the Queen of F'N England.

So take that Liberace and Andy Warhol.  It seems like Ozzy and the Muppets were meant for each other in a royal way.




10. Hulk Hogan meets Pokemon

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but seeing Hulk Hogan posing next to Pikachu makes it a million words.  

Just what the hell is going on here?  There's no mistaking that is the immortal Hulk Hogan donning a red Pokemon shirt while standing next to the cute and loveable Pikachu.  Plus, that Pikachu costume looks awfully official, so it's not like some random hobo dressed up in an Elmo costume looking for free publicity.  And if you look closely, you can see a giant Pikachu float in the background as it appears to be some Pokemon celebration going on.

So what the hell is going on?  Did Hogan bump his head and believes he's the best Pokemon trainer in the world?  Did Nintendo buy out the World Wrestling Entertainment and created the World Pokemon Wrestling Federation?

As the story goes, Nintendo was celebrating Pokemon's 10th anniversary with "THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE DECADE" at New York City's Bryant Park in August 2006.  There were nerds and manchilds alike taking on each other in Pokemon tournaments, poor Pokemon NYC employees sweating their balls off wearing Pikachu and Mudkip costumes, and all the typical Pokemon fanfare and doodads.  Everything seemed to be just about ordinary as a typical fan convention until suddenly, the Immortal One showed up out of the fucking blue.

No Mildred; your eyes are not deceiving you.  Hulk Hogan appears at the Pokemon Party and chills with his buds Mudkip, Treecko, and the rest of the Pokemon gang.  In fact, once he gotten settled, Hogan got on stage and hosted the Pokemon National Championships.  But what really made Hulkster's meeting with Pokemon even more surreal is this:

 

  
Hogan cutting a Hulk-tacular promo on Pikachu????  I've seen plenty of Hulk Hogan promos before, but this has to be undoubtedly his greatest and finest promo ever.  By all means if I had to elect a president for the Pokemon Fan Club, he certainly gets my first-ballot vote.

9. Michael Jackson meets Webster meets Brooke Shields

When I first heard someone referencing Michael Jackson hanging out with Webster, I thought they were just making a joke about Jackson's molestation charges against young boys.  But as time went by, my curiosity took form and I had to look this up.  I simply typed in "Webster" and "Michael Jackson" in Google and lo and behold, this is what came up:

I couldn't believe it.  It's like my mind got raped seeing a picture of Michael Jackson cradling Webster in his arms like Bubbles the Monkey while Don King stands beside them.  No wonder people weren't surprised when they heard Jacko was allegedly molesting boys at his Never Land Ranch.  But just when you think things couldn't get any more bizarre, they actually do.  Apparently, Jackson and Ms. Brooke Shields had the hots for each other in the 80s; way before Brooke was Andre Agassi's bed notch and Michael shared the bed with Elvis' daughter and Macaulay Culkin.    

So when the 1984 Grammy Awards rolled right in, Michael was joined by Brooke Shields and Webster as they walked down the red carpet.  Hey, it looks like he needed a few extra hands that night as he went on to win a staggering 8 Grammys all because of Thriller.






8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles meet Power Rangers

I know what you're probably thinking, "Shouldn't this be way much higher on the list?"  By all means yes, but let me provide some background on this titanic meeting of childhood heroes.

Back in the late 80's, Mirage Studios unleashed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon and took the world by storm.  Kids badgered parents to buy them TMNT toys, t-shirts, dolls, etc. as they faithfully watched every episode of the cartoon.  A couple of years later, Bandai pulled the trigger on bringing out Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers to the U.S. and took over TMNT's reign.  As years passed and the kids who grew up on TMNT and Power Rangers got older, the Ninja Turtles were seemingly dormant while Bandai/Saban kept bringing out spinoff after spinoff of the Power Rangers (such as Turbo, Rangers In Space, and Lightspeed Rescue).  

However, in 1998, Bandai/Saban brought back TMNT for a live-action TV show which was quite similar to Power Rangers.  Although it was short-lived, it gave Bandai enough time to create an ultimate meeting between the Turtles and Power Rangers during an episode of Power Rangers In Space.  Unfortunately, this crossover didn't really have much of an impact as it should have because most kids by then moved on to other things like Pokemon.  Plus, Bandai both had TMNT and Power Rangers in their pockets, so it was somewhat expected that this would occur.  Pity this didn't happen sooner because this epic crossover went largely unnoticed.  Should had this happened back when TMNT and Power Rangers were at the peak of their popularity and going head-to-head against each other, then an entire nation of kids would spaz the fuck out and undoubtedly would have been the most surreal crossover ever.

7. Ultimate Warrior meets Phil Collins

 
Even if you've taken all the drugs in the world, you would have not thought up a pairing so outrageous. Now that I think about it, this would make a very good anti-drug PSA as this will warn kids to stay away from drugs or you'll end up like them.


So how did this happen?  Did Phil Collins finally go apeshit insane and lost it?  Did Ultimate Warrior needed to make some extra cash and become Collins' personal dancing monkey?  Let's hop in the Wayback Machine to 1990 where both men were at the peak of their careers as Collins was wooing soccer moms before they were soccer moms with "Another Day In Paradise" while Ultimate Warrior was tearing shit up in WWF.


Collins was definitely on a roll in the late 80's to early 90's when he was topping charts everywhere with his album ...But Seriously.  So by 1990, NBC decided to throw away its money just to make a Phil Collins TV special.  It wasn't a one-hour special to promote a brand new Phil Collins album or a world tour.  NBC gave us an hour of Phil Collins because he's bleedin' Phil Collins.  Throughout the show, we get a whole list of A-list, have been, and never have been celebrities like John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Gilbert Gottfried, John Candy, Don Johnson, Vanessa Williams, Weird Al Yankovic, and a whole bunch more.  The concept of the show is that network execs have to come up with ideas using a TV show with Phil Collins to save a network from getting beat in the ratings every Saturday night.  That's funny, sounds like NBC in it's current state with Saturday Night Live sucking nowadays (just replace Phil Collins with any dopey celebrity).

So for an entire hour, we get Gilbert Gottfried screeching to Collins some ideas he got while Collins becomes as fruity as he can be as a blues singer, a hip-hop artist, and the bastard child of Elvis Presley.  But the real highlight of the show comes when we see Phil Collins dancing in probably the gayest wrestling attire ever along with the Ultimate Warrior.  And yes, Warrior is dancing merrily along as well.  A few seconds later, Warrior remembers that queerin' doesn't make the world go 'round and begins to demolish Collins in a squash match.  I should mention all of this occurs while in the tune of "Two Hearts".

  

6. Johnny Cash meets Oscar the Grouch

There have been a staggering number of celebrities that took a stroll through Sesame Street.  From the likes of James Earl Jones spouting out the alphabet to Rick Moranis enjoying airplane food with Ernie to Katy Perry shaking her maracas at Elmo to Ice-T droppin' beats with the Bird, it seems like Sesame Street is open to everyone.  However, the Man in Black is the last person I'd expect to stumble onto Sesame Street.

His unlikely presence was felt without warning one day on Sesame Street when he wakes up Oscar the Grouch by banging his guitar against his "house".  Immediately, Johnny and Oscar became BFFs as Johnny went on to sing about Nasty Dan which Oscar becomes memorized by Johnny's crooning.  Oh, never mind that this was suppose to be a show for kids, Cash would go on to sing that Nasty Dan would "jump for joy when a little boy would trip and fall" and went on to marry Nasty Pearl and had a nasty kid.  At the end of the song, Johnny goes on to tell Oscar to have a rotten day.


Despite Johnny pretty much telling kids to eat shit and die, Sesame Street was still open for business for the Man in Black as he went on to appear several more times on the show.

5. Gilligan meets The Harlem Globetrotters

Who would have thought that all the efforts of establishing peaceful race relations in the United States could be virtually erased in one fell swoop?  Never mind Martin Luther King's famous speech about dreaming of a nation where people of different color can get along.  We're set back 50 years in American race relations thanks to Gilligan and his gang pairing up with the Harlem Globetrotters.

Without a doubt, Gilligan has to be whitest man you'll ever meet.  He's got a dopey sailor's hat and red cardigan, plus he fucks everything up as humanely as possible.  I highly doubt Bob Denver could last at least 10 seconds moseying down the street in Harlem.  Luckily for the Globetrotters though, Gilligan and his mentally handicapped crew (yes, even the Professor who could build anything except a way off the island) managed to FINALLY get off the island and be saved.  But without bothering to see what the hell happened in the made-for-TV movies before the Harlem Globetrotters showed up, apparently the gang converted the deserted island into a destination resort and the host of Supermarket Sweep runs the joint.  

The clusterfuck train certainly runs on through as "The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island" has some crazy and kooky storyline where Martin Landau and his wife are trying to take over the island by leading an army of basketball-playing robots.  But as if things couldn't possibly get even zanier, the NAACP implodes and race riots loom all over the nation as we are introduced to the first white members of the Harlem Globetrotters...Gilligan and the Skipper.

Somewhere, Jesse Jackson is howling in the wind.
 


4. Mickey Mouse meets Bugs Bunny

This ought to be the most unlikely pairing of animated icons.  On one hand, we have Disney's very own Mickey Mouse.  Undoubtedly the face of American capitalism, Mickey Mouse is Disney's poster mouse for wholesome good fun.  On the other hand, there is that wascally wabbit, Bugs Bunny, who's been raising hell to hunters, ducks, cowboys, and so on throughout his Looney Tunes career.  While Bugs may be a bit too hardcore for Mickey, it's kind of interesting to see how parallel how the Disney universe was with the Looney Tunes universe.


It would be a good 60 years before both universes finally collided in 1988 when Disney produced Who Framed Roger Rabbit? which was based off of Gary Wolf's Who Censored Roger Rabbit?  But don't thank Disney for managing to get Looney Tunes and Disney altogether (along with other toons like Droopy the Dog, Betty Boop, and Woody Woodpecker) for the film.  You can thank director and Indiana Jones rapist Steven Spielberg for getting them together.


But with this huge array of crossovers throughout the entire film like Daffy Duck and Donald Duck battling out on the piano, there's only one that truly matters and of course it involves Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny.

The lovable and grumpy Bob Hoskins had the privilege to be in the first ever scene with Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, but something's not right.  I know Bugs is usually a jerk, but Mickey's a dick also?  C'mon Mickey, you know better.  It's amazing how spending a few seconds with someone can corrupt you. 






3. X-Men meets Star Trek

Now here's a shocker.  Having the X-Men team up with the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise sounds like something a 35 year old neckbeard who's bored on Sunday afternoon would come up with in his mom's basement.  Let me reiterate that all of the crossovers I've mentioned so far - with the exception of Bruce Lee/Popeye - involve all of the parties' intellectual property owners and is considered canon.  With that in mind, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Just how in the blue friggin' hell did Wolverine and Captain Kirk get tangled up with each other?"

Glad you asked.   Like most comic book crossovers that are flat out absurd, a rift in time and space causes the X-Men to enter the same universe as the Star Trek crew including Capt. Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Scotty.  The X-Men manage to get aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise, but shortly after, Spock shatters everyone's world and kicks Wolverine's ass with a Vulcan never pinch.

As a way to end hours and hours of debate by nerds and fanboys alike on whether Wolverine or Mr. Spock was the strongest, now we finally know that Spock makes Logan his bitch.  Even though we're given a nonsensical plot that bullshits its way on explaining how X-Men and Star Trek crossed over, I think the real reason we got this crossover is because of this:

 If this scene made you laugh uncontrollably, then by all means you are a nerd.  But hey, if you're more into Next Generation than the original Star Trek, there's something for you as well.

2. Archie meets The Punisher

Not in a million years would I have expected to see this crossover.  

Archie, the swooner of teenaged girls, is as American as apple pie and the bald eagle.  So when Marvel and Archie Comics came together to do a comic crossover, it would have been kind of easy to figure out who Archie would team up with.  Captain America would've been the obvious choice.  Having Capt. America and Archie in the same comic panel would have made Uncle Sam blush.  Heck, Spider-Man and Iron Man would have been great picks for Archie as well.  But out of all the characters within the Marvel universe, Archie got stuck with professional hitman Frank Castle aka The Punisher.  Jesus Archie, what the hell did you do to get Punisher on your back?!?!?

Before you can cry Archie raped Betty, you'll find out if you pick up a copy of "Archie Meets The Punisher" that it's all a case of "har-har-hardy-har-har" mistaken identity.  As you see, a notorious red-haired drug dealer by the name of "Red" makes his way to Riverdale.  With Archie the only other red-haired person in Riverdale, he's pretty much fucked when Punisher comes to town and spots Archie first.  I don't wanna spoil what happens next, but let's just say that with gay marriages and interracial love triangles going down in Archie nowadays, anything goes.

1. George Bush meets Cartoon All-Stars

 Now talk about a crossover for the ages.  We got a whole sha-bang-bang of 80's and 90's Saturday morning cartoons all in one place.  We got the Smurfs, Winnie the Pooh, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Muppet Babies, Garfield, Bugs Bunny, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, Daffy Duck, Duck Tales, and ALF all in one setting.  Now that's one hell of a crossover smorgasbord to digest.  But these guys aren't here today just to prance around in the sun and go on a picnic.  Today it's pretty darn serious.  They're here to talk to you about DRUGS.

Oh god damnit Bugs, not like that!!!

No, they're here to tell you NOT to do drugs.  So how in the world did we get all of our favorite cartoon characters get into a serious chat about not smoking or boozing up in the playground?  It's all because of this guy:

Our 41st President of the United States, George Herbert Walker Bush.  If you were a kid growing up in the 80's, you know that Ronald Reagen and the government wanted you kids out there to know that drugs were EVIL.  Disregard the fact drug dealers' target demographics aren't necessarily first graders, but the Reagen Administration wanted to use your taxpayer money to get Little Johnny and Little Suzie to put down that crack pipe and check into rehab.  So when Bush Senior came into office following Reagen, he continued to make the anti-drug movement his number one priority, but took it a step farther by calling upon the Muppet Babies and other popular cartoons at the time to get the message across.

So with the help of McDonalds, Kellogg's Cereals, and public *coughtaxpayercough* funding, Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue became reality in April 1990 and Saturday mornings were never the same again.



You know when the President is kicking things off for a special, you know this special is...well, special.  As George and Barbara opened the show, we're brought into a whole dramatic piece about this kid named Michael who smokes weed, drinks booze, and probably does a lil' coke here and there and the Cartoon All-Stars are called to action.  But as you're watching along, you begin to wonder if the All-Stars forgot this was an anti-drug cartoon or a pro-drug one.  

Don't lie to me.  We all know that Michelangelo is a notorious stoner along with Alf and Simon (how the hell Simon knows it's marijuana?) while I'm certain the Muppet Babies are avid users of LSD and ketamine in order to support their overactive imaginations.  Plus Tigger might as well be a coke fiend and Garfield has to be on downers.

So maybe Mr. Bush should do a little bit more homework on who to cast for an anti-drug special, but it's all for a good cause, right?  It's unfortunate Bush Sr. didn't do this earlier with Bush Jr. along with Fred Flintstone and Felix the Cat to get off that crackpipe.

Top 1000 Obnoxiously Bad Sequels and Prequels

I've said this time and time again, but I'll just have to say it once more: nothing is sacred in Hollywood anymore.  These days movie writers are running out of ideas and studios are desperately seeking ways to make money.  So in order to meet their goals, producers look to sequels (and sometimes prequels) to squeeze that dollar out of viewers.  

Sequels and prequels are solely designed to make a quick cash cow off of successful originals.  Yes, I know that not all sequels are bad - for example, Godfather Part II and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are arguably better than the original - but unfortunately the majority of them flat out suck.  However, we can't put all the blame on Hollywood for bringing out sequels and prequels to beloved movie franchises.  The audience can be blamed as well as they demand to see more or they'll have to resort to creating fanfictions with horrible results.  I'll betcha that if you go to Google, you'll find multiple erotic stories involving the characters from Avatar and Harry Potter.  This is why Hollywood needs to have sequels so that we don't have to have our minds scarred for life.  


Anyway, sit back and relax as I'll go over some of the most god awful se/prequels that have graced our weary eyes.


1000-21. Every Direct-To-Video Movie

Isn't it kind of obvious why studios send sequels and prequels direct to video and not in theaters?  That's because THEY FUCKING SUCK

The amount of direct-to-video sequels/prequels is staggering and I could be here until the next century naming out all of the D2V movies that are bad.  Whether it be a halfassed sequel to a highly-praised Disney animated film or the 27th sequel to some dipshit teen comedy, these DVD shit jobs are only polluting Netflix and Blockbuster.  Besides parents and babysitters purchasing crappy Disney sequels like Mulan 2 or Lion King 2 to shut the kids up for an hour or two, there's no excuse why anyone would want to watch a direct-to-video sequel or prequel.  The only real demographic of people I can think of who actually watch them are pothead teens trying to waste a Saturday or Sunday.  Now that I think of it, it makes perfect sense to be stoned off your ass in order to watch Save the Last Dance for Last 3 or Home Alone: Wacky Molestation Times because I'd get the hell out of there and leave if someone put it on.

Before I go on with my list, I would like to mention that there are a couple of direct-to-video sequels that are particularly so bad that they deserve their own mentions, such as... 

19. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.

If there's one positive thing that I can say about this movie, it's that Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. is not the worst sequel/prequel in which Jim Carrey starred in the original.  Otherwise, everything else is negative.  This stinker of a turd was directed by David Mickey Evans who happens to have a long list of bad movies under his belt (Sandlot II, Ed, First Kid, and some stupid National Lampoon teen comedy).  It's almost like Warner Bros. wanted to make this one so inconceivably awful that they needed an awful director to make it.  Instead of the wacky and zany antics of Jim Carrey playing the role of the title character, what we get is some pudgy little Nickelodeon reject who does perhaps the worst Jim Carrey impersonations ever.  I had to double check what the actual genre of this movie was because even though its listed as a comedy, I could've swore this was actually a tearjeaker because how terrible this movie is.

18. Legally Blondes

Oh I get it!  They're twins!  And they're both blonde!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

But seriously, that's the entire movie.  Let's move on.

17. Rocky V

OK, so they say third time's a charm, but Stallone defied the odds and made a decent fourth Rocky movie.  Unfortunately, Rocky got cocky and brought out a rather underwhelming Rocky V.  I get the idea that the purpose of Rocky V was to show the "human" side of the Italian Stallion, but along the way, you'll just focus on how laughably bad this movie turned out to be.  Never mind that Rocky has to deal with drain bamage.  It's just nothing but Stallone dealing with "daddy issues" with his son and a blatant ripoff of Don King being the actual villain in the film.


16. Hannibal Rising

 

I think it would be kind of unfair to include Hannibal Rising on my list because it was actually based off the novel written by Thomas Harris; who wrote Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, and Hannibal.  However, while the movie did directly follow Harris' novel, I think we should put blame on Harris for bringing this unnecessary prequel out there.

To me, Hannibal Rising kind of shits on what everything the Silence of the Lambs series was all about.  It's hard to swallow seeing Hannibal Lector being a whiny little prick while dealing with some asinine plot about cannibalistic Nazis and a Japanese aunt he tries to mack with.

I'll give Harris credit though.  At least he admitted that the only reason he made Hannibal Rising was to make sure that no one else would do it.  You heard right; if something is going to suck badly, might as well do it yourself.




15. The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas

If you needed any indication that this prequel to the Flintstones live-action movie is horrible, look no further than the star of the movie Stephen Baldwin.  No, not Alec, but the other one who's not so popular.  While the 1994 original was pretty dopey and goofy, at least they had star power in the film like John Goodman, Halle Berry, Elizabeth Taylor, Rick Moranis, and Elizabeth Perkins.  Here we got...ummm...Stephen Baldwin?  Joan Collins?  That guy who played Boris in Goldeneye?  Yeah, not much to work with here folks.   Best way to describe Viva Rock Vegas is like watching those cheesy, mediocre Flintstones movies from the 70s, but just more awful.  

Hey, at least Viva Rock Vegas has an edge over the original 1994 film as Betty Rubble was hot in Viva Rock Vegas while in the other one....well.....let's put it this way: she was played by someone whose name rhymes with "Osie" and "Rodonnell".


14. Basic Instinct 2

  

In 1992, Basic Instinct was a box office hit with one of the most memorable film sequences involving Sharon Stone spreading her "goods" while being interrogated.  Fast forward 14 years later to the sequel and we managed to get a box office bomb and an unmemorable Sharon Stone who looks like an aging prostitute from the Red Light District.  How did this happen?

For starters, Basic Instinct 2 is an exact carbon copy of the original.  Seductive woman that's the key suspect?  Check.  Detective who goes after her and ends up being her sex toy?  Check.  Explicit scene where Sharon Stone spreads her legs?  Che....well, half check really.  In the sequel, it makes you want to gag when Stone shows her roast beef curtains.  I think you get the point that Basic Instinct 2 is more or less a remake of the original Basic Instinct movie.  The only difference is it's 10x more mind numbing and retarded.

It's a shame MGM Studios (who released the film) should've just put the kibosh on this fiasco of a sequel as they wound up losing $27 million on making this film.  Then again, you can't blame them for releasing Basic Instinct 2 because the damn movie had been in development for over 6 years and Sharon Stone threw a shit fit when they were about to pull the plug on the project and threatened to sue.

Hold on to your asses though, there's rumors swirling around that Stone wants to direct a third Basic Instinct movie.  Pray to Buddha she doesn't pull this one off by spreading her maligned ladies to potential suitors.  



13. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

I'm certain I wasn't the only one who couldn't stand all the damn buzz and hype about the Blair Witch Project when it came out in 1999, but it looks like Book of Shadows was punishment for all of those who were giving Blair Witch Project the proverbial blowjob.

The only reason Book of Shadows: Blair Witch ever got released is to cash in on the monster success the original Blair Witch movie did in theaters.  It's like the studio heads were in a meeting and said, "HEY!  Let's make a sequel!"  And so they did, but then forgot to actually make a story or plot for the movie.  Instead, they just transplanted a generic made-for-TV SyFy Channel movie and put it in Blair Witch 2.  OK, that was a low blow.  I've seen way much better SyFy Channel movies than Blair Witch 2. 





12. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace

I don't know what was more torturous for Christopher Reeve; being paralyzed from the neck down for the last years of his life, or going through in acting in Superman IV.

Superman IV: The Quest For Peace feels like it was written by a fourth grader who's trying to win an essay contest for Earth Day.  The most faithful of Superman fans would cringe watching a retarded plot involving Supes calling for world peace and destroying every single piece of nuclear weapon on the face of the Earth.  Now if you know this movie was kosher to the comic book, that would've made Superman the biggest jerk ever as we all well know there's intergalactic threats lurking out there.


However, despite all the really bad special effects and convoluted plot, what makes Superman IV really shine is the introduction of NUCLEAR MULLET MAN.

God damn, now doesn't that scream the 1980s or what?  Just one look of his nucleolus mullet and tight-as-hell asscrack spandex would definitely make Superman fall on his knees like being shot by a Kryptonite bullet.

11. Caddyshack II

File this one under "Why Mess Around with a Good Thing?"  The original Caddyshack is undoubtedly one of the best golf movies of all time.  Who can't forget Bill Murray's role as the slow, but lovable Carl Spackler who's hellbent on getting that gopher?  Or what about Rodney Dangerfield's famous quote, "HEY EVERYBODY!  We're all gonna get laid!"?  Unfortunately, like most good movies, the inevitable sequel was right around the corner and boy did it completely shit on the original.

Kiddied down to a PG-rating, Caddyshack II features Jackie Mason telling the same boring Jew jokes that aren't even funny.  Plus, our good friend Spackler is nowhere to be found as he's been replaced by a cheap knockoff played by Dan Aykroyd.  Chevy Chase is the only returning character from the original film, but he looked like he wants to be anywhere else but here.  Best way to describe Caddyshack II is Warner Bros. wanted to give a big middle finger to the original Caddyshack and made the sequel so horribly wrong.

10. Speed 2: Cruise Control

As if strapping a bomb on a bus which would exploded if it goes under 50 miles per hour wasn't absurd enough, Speed 2 raises the bar even higher by strapping a bomb on a mother fuckin' boat!  

Like many other bad sequels, Speed 2: Cruise Control suffers from horrible acting and an inexcusably moronic plot.  Props to Keanu Reeves for turning down a part in this movie, making him not the dumbest actor of all time.  Among the absurdity of Speed 2: Cruise Control includes William Dafoe rigging up a complex bomb system all for just a couple pieces of jewelry, Sandra Bullock wooden acting, and also some deaf girl thrown in there that makes Helen Keller seem like a Harvard graduate.  I know I usually say "It's a movie stupid" when someone questions the logic of a movie, but with Speed 2, there is absolutely no logic to be found.


9. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd

Egads, another crappy sequel based on a movie that starred Jim Carrey?  Not only that, but it's still not the worst Jim Carrey-based sequel of all time?  Yup, it's true.  You'll find out soon enough what is the worst Jim Carrey-based sequel of all time is, but right now let's focus on what went wrong with this one.

While I got to give credit to Eric Christian Olsen for doing a bang-up job in playing the role of Harry Christmas, the rest of the movie fails.  If you think about it, Dumb & Dumber never really had source material to begin with as it's just two dopes fucking things up wherever they go.  So why waste your time with Dumb &Dumberer as all you're getting is obnoxious poop and fart jokes that even your 8 year old brother will find stupid.

8. Jaws 3-D  

  

Thanks to the technology of 3-D, now the shit flies right at your face!  

The first Jaws was definitely a classic hit and is considered to be one of the greatest movies of all time.  In fact, it was also nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards.  When the second Jaws came out, it wasn't as great as the original, but it wasn't bad either.  Most people seem to agree that for a sequel, Jaws 2 wasn't that bad at all.  But when the third one came out....well....things just got very silly.  To start, Jaws 3-D takes place in none other than Sea World.  Yes, that Sea World.  The same amusement park when you can squeal at Shamu the Killer Whale while you can enjoy tuna sandwiches at the food court.  In case if you needed some spoilers on what happens in Jaws 3-D, a great white shark wrecks havoc at Sea World and kills people.  It just so happens that the kid from the original movie is all grown up (played by Dennis Quaid in his first major role) and is present at Sea World at the time of the attacks.

If that doesn't get your head scratching, top the rest of the mind-numbing plot with special 3-D effects that movie audiences sat through while watching Jaws 3-D.  Remember those red and blue 3-D glasses that were the craze back in the 80's?  Not only did the movie look stupid, but the audience watching this looked stupid as well.

7. Batman & Robin

Wouldn't it be ICE if we painted Arnold Schwarzenegger blue and have him spout off puns after puns after puns as Mr. Freeze?  Well, Joel Schumacher thought that it was FROSTastic.  

If you needed any reason to believe that Batman & Robin is undoubtedly the goofiest comic book based movie of all time, look no further then who's cast as Batman.  I mean, c'mon, George Fucking Clooney?  He certainly doesn't fit the description of a man who saw his parents murdered in cold blood as a kid.  Nor does he appear to be the tortured soul Batman is suppose to be.  In fact, he looks more like a smug asshole who seems like he just fucked your girlfriend (basically, he was playing the role of himself).  In any case, we have Mr. Schwarzenegger to thank for ruining puns for the rest of the world.  Now that's just COLD.

6. Son of the Mask

That's right; another sequel in which Jim Carrey starred in the original that totally sucks.  You're probably thinking, "How could this get any worse?"  Well, fortunately it can't, so step on up and claim your prize.  Son of the Mask is New Line Cinema's ultimate display of grief that Jim Carrey won't do any more sequels for them.  What makes this one much more dreadful than the rest of the other Jim Carrey-less sequels is an extremely retarded storyline and horrid CGI animation.  Back when the original Mask movie came out, CGI wasn't used as much in films and was considered to be a luxury.  You would think that with CGI animation being more used widely in movies now that Son of the Mask would have an edge over the original Mask movie.  Let me stress the point you would think.  You definitely want to gouge your eyes out on how atrociously crude these CGI effects are.  I've seen amateur 3D animations from community college students much better than what's being used in Son of the Mask.

Terrible animations aside, Son of the Mask also suffers the same fate that Caddyshack II did by toning it down to appease a "family-friendly" audience.  Producers think that by making a movie "PG" when it's intended to be more dark and mature, they'll get make more by letting a wider audience be able to watch the movie.  The downfall of this mentality is that while it may work in theory, it definitely will not work if you half-ass it in writing and producing the movie.  Thanks to this, it shouldn't be any surprise that Son of the Mask lost $30 million in the box office.


5. Blues Brother 2000

Last time I recalled, didn't the blues suppose to have soul in it?  That's funny, because Blues Brothers 2000 has zero soul.  I'll bet you can find more soul in John Belushi's lifeless corpse than this movie.  Someone decided it was time to bring back the Blue Brothers franchise to life in 1998, but as you'll see, John Goodman is absolutely no substitute for the late, great John Belushi.  Despite that, Blues Brothers 2000 was definitely a heart wrencher for blues fans as the movie did feature a Who's Who list of the greats in soul and blues like James Brown, Eric Clapton, Aretha Franklin, Bo Diddley, Lou Rawls, Isaac Hayes, and B.B. King, but unfortunately these great are trapped inside quite a soulless experience.

Here's an (un)interesting fact: in order to promote Blues Brother 2000, the producers decided that we would be subjected to Dan Akyroyd, Jim Belushi, and John Goodman singing and dancing their way right on stage at the Halftime Show at Super Bowl XXXII.  Granted this wasn't the worst Halftime Show ever - that dubious honor goes to Ashlee Simpson sounding like a strangled peacock at the Rose Bowl - but it certainly made people switch the channel to watch something better like a Golden Girls rerun.


4. Star Wars Episodes I & II

  Let's get this out of the way first: Jar Jar Binks was a really annoying character.  Yeah, Double Jar was certainly a heat magnet for many fans on why the Star Wars prequels sucked, but if you look at the Star Wars prequel trilogy as a whole, there were plenty of things beside Jar Jar Binks that made it an utter mess.

To start, Episode I: The Phantom Menace was considered to be the least popular, but it did present some pretty badass elements to the series.  On one hand, we were introduced to Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn, but on the other, we were slammed with obnoxious alien characters like Jar Jar and Watto that made watching Episode I unbearable.  Also, there was a crap load of marketing and promotion for The Phantom Menace as everywhere you looked there were advertisments for the film all over the god damn place.  You name it; TV, radio, newspapers, billboards, soda cans, condoms, etc., they were hyping this up to be the best movie in the existence of mankind.  Of course when the movie came out, it never lives up to its hype and wound up being the lowest rated Star Wars movie ever.

While Episode II was somewhat of an improvement over Episode I, you knew something was amiss when you saw the title.  Attack of the Clones?  I had to verify this was actually the real title to Episode II because this sounded like a bad 50s sci-fi movie.  Not that the movie was horrible, but it was somewhat unremarkable to say the least.  There weren't really much memorable moments in Attack of the Clones except some dopey romantic scenes between a pre-Vader Anakin Skywalker and Padame and also the revelation that every Stormtrooper employed by the Empire is a clone of Boba Fett's daddy.  In fact, some could say that the whole Vader/Natalie Portman romance was a precursor to Twilight's whole deal with sparkly vampires and vampire/werewolf love triangles, which of course is a terrible thing.

Luckily, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (although it still had a crummy title) wasn't too bad except for one minor detail....

3. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

Is there anyone out there that can explain to me how the hell did this was ever made?  In all seriousness, this goes to show that there's enough pedophiles out there who want to see a movie about babies prancing around in nothing but diapers to a completely incoherent storyline.  But even for a kids' movie, I bet if you get your three year old kid to watch this, he or she will probably commit suicide.   

Seeing how Jon Voight is the star of this unfortunate mess, I rather be stuck in the same "Squeal Like a Pig" scene in Deliverance than ever watch Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.  And what do you know?  This is a nice segway to our next entry...

2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

 

Let's look at it this way.  Were Star Wars Episodes I through III necessary?  I'd say so considering George Lucas set himself up for prequels by making the first Star Wars the fourth episode.  But was making a fourth Indiana Jones movie necessary?  Absolutely friggin' not.

I may not be the biggest Indiana Jones fan ever, but I still cannot grasp how much of a clusterfuck Steven Spielberg and George Lucas made Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  There were just so many things wrong about this movie.  Grovel as good ol' Indy locks himself inside refrigerators, escape the clutches of evil Commies, and mingle with aliens.  Yes, aliens.  You know as well as I do that aliens and Indiana Jones have no business being together.

From the most die-hard Indiana Jones fan to the casual viewer, everyone will sheath with rage to see Shia LaBeouf being groomed as the next Indy throughout the entire film.  I consider Mr. LaDouche to be the murderer of franchises (see: Transformers, Wall Street).  It doesn't help that he's in unarguably the worst scene in any Indiana Jones movie as he's swinging from tree to tree with some poorly animated CGI monkeys.  Oh yes, the CGI.  I'm surprised that even that Spielberg and Lucas have a huge hard-on for CGI technology these days, it was goofy as fuck when it was used in Crystal Skull.   




1. Every American Pie Sequel

 

To being, I think I'll need a chart to show you the levels of rage when watching American Pie and its sequels.

 Poor Eugene Levy.  He must have done something extremely awful in his past life to be subjected in appearing every single American Pie movie since the beginning.  

It's amazing how many American Pie films were produced since 1999 when the original came out.  Who knew when we all laughed away at Jason Biggs raping an apple pie would cause a chain reaction so unfathomable that it makes MeatbaIlls 4 with Corey Feldman seem like Gone With the Wind?    I don't know how many times you can appease the same target audience -- 14-16 year old boys who are the horniest little bastards in the world -- by giving them the same worn-out jokes and horrible comedy.  

Things were just fine with the first American Pie movie, but when American Pie 2 came out, it was pretty much the same exact movie we saw before.  Both had band camp references, both had Stifler drinking piss, and both had Eugene Levy walking in on Jason Biggs going buck wild.  Rinse and repeat for American Wedding and we got the same exact results.  However, when the first Direct-To-DVD American Pie hit shelves, things really got out of hand...

There's not much to write about it terms of storyline with Band Camp, Naked Mile, Beta House, or The Book of Love, but the comedy in them is just as funny as Henry Kissinger cracking a joke.  And as for the gratuitous amounts of sex and nudity?  If you really need a porn fix for your masturbation session, just go on the Internet.  In fact, there's really nothing special except for a few boob shots, so you can do a lot better than the American Pie videos.


Also, I'd avoid The Book of Love at all costs.  There's something rather awkward seeing the kid who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie all grown up and trying to score with chicks.



 I'd really love to see someone take the so-called advices from the American Pie series and try them out to get girls.  Probably the first reaction you'll get is a felony for attempted rape.