Nowadays, it's not as popular as it was with WWE (had to ditch the WWF name in 2002 because the World Wildlife Fund gave the "smackdown" over trademark rights) aiming for a PG-theme and TNA (yes, it's a wrestling company that uses the same friggin' acronym for tits & ass) is just not worth the trouble. However, even before, during, and after the Monday Night Wars era, I do know one thing: there has been a fair share of pro wrestlers who flat out suck.
Whether it was a horrible gimmick like a wrestler dressing up as a Thanksgiving turkey to awful performers who can't work in and outside the ring for shit, there were quite a few individuals that made wrestling unwatchable. Before I was making out this list, I was debating whether to include wrestlers with sucky gimmicks or people who couldn't perform in the ring and raped the English language behind the mic. But I figured "fuck it" and just throw them both in because crap has no limitations.
14. Phantasio (WWF; 1995)
Although he has appeared in about one or two matches in his rather short WWF career, this Phantasio fellow has definitely left a mark on me. Phantasio (aka Harry Del Rios) looks like if Sting and Chuck Zito had a kid and got himself a magician's license. It became apparent he was suppose to be a magician as he hurled confetti and streamers out from his magic wand as he made his way down the ring. Not only that, but he was all tricked out with his own magic hat inside the ring.
To give Phantasio credit, his gimmick wasn't as offensively bad as the other second-job wrestlers that competed in the WWF during 1995 (there were an evil dentist and evil plumber!), but it's his finishing move that will go down as the most absurd move ever: The Magic Wedgie.
Yes folks; Phantasio's finishing move is basically giving his opponent an Ultimate Wedgie to a point where he rips of the opponent's underwear and said opponent would faint from such a magical feat being performed. After his first (and only) televised wrestling match, Phantasio did his favorite Houdini trick and vanished into thin air.
13. Adam "Pacman" Jones (TNA; 2007)
Yes, you're seeing this correctly. I didn't switch over to a "Least Likely Athletes To Be Role Models" list. While serving his season-long suspension from the National Football League, Adam "Pacman" Jones decided to step into the squared circle and join Total Nonstop Action (or TNA *snickers*). Pacman may have gotten the same idea as The Rock, Goldberg, and many other former football players who found success in pro-wrestling, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
So when the contract was signed, Pacman was all set to go for a run for the TNA World Championship...but there was one catch. You see, Pacman still under contract with the Tennessee Titans and there was a clause within his Titans contract that prohibited him for engaging in "physical contact" in TNA. Instead of just throwing him in a managerial role to save him the trouble, TNA insisted he get inside the ring; so lo and behold he went on to become TNA Tag Team champion by beating pro wrestling veterans Kurt Angle and Sting...without lifting a single finger.
Well, actually, he did pull off one offensive move by spray painting Angle's back after the match. Pacman would go on to have a month-long title reign; while along the way, he did get involved in a spot where he made it "rain" money and longtime referee Earl Hebner went on a frenzy in grabbing the money like a Las Vegas stripper. Luckily, no innocent bystanders were harmed this time around. To give Pacman credit, at least he's not the worst football player-turned-pro wrestler as you'll see later on...
12. Ted Arcidi (WWF; 1985-1987)
Don't get me wrong: unless I had some fucking deathwish, I would DEFINITELY not want to piss off this guy inside a bar and get beaten into a coma. Arcidi was a legitimate tough guy in his prime as he has bench pressed over 700 pounds and made a name for himself in powerlifting. But for one thing, Arcidi is living proof in pro wrestling that just because you got the looks, doesn't mean you got the goods. As Gorilla Monsoon best puts it, watching Arcidi wrestle was like waiting for rigor mortis to set in. This guy had no clue what he was doing inside the ring and always got winded after a minute has passed in the match. Hell, watching him move is like watching a sloth try to win a damn marathon.
11. Heidenreich (WWE; 2003-2005)
A lot can be said about John Heidenreich's run in the WWE, but no matter where you look at, they all sucked.
Before making his debut, there was a rumor going around that Heidenreich's gimmick was going to be a frozen Nazi thawed out to wreck havoc in the WWE. Knowing Vince McMahon, I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. Thankfully, good taste prevailed (for the time being though) when John Heidenreich debuted as just a regular joe trying to make it to the top with his "Little John". Now, we never quite learned what his "Little John" was -- probably just a pet name for his dick -- as he was way too green in the ring and almost nearly damn killed Stevie Richards in botching his moves.
So Heidenreich got shipped down to the minor leagues to brush up on his in-ring skills for about a year and returned as a psychopathic lunatic who loved to give...poetry? Yes, the crazed poet laureate in the making would deliver his works of art before beating down his opponents. The coup-de-grace came during an episode of WWE Smackdown when Heidenreich abducted play-by-play announcer Michael Cole in the middle of broadcast and preceded to rape him. Of course I'm being serious.
In order to win over fans, Heidenreich then developed a love and appreciation for children that matched of one from a pedophile. Believe it or not, people actually got behind him for his efforts, not being troubled by his actions at all. Hell, by around the end of his WWE run, he was awarded for all his humanitarian and artistic musings by becoming the newest member of the Legion of Doom. I'm sure Road Warrior Animal spun all the way around his grave when that occurred.
While Heidenreich hasn't been seen in WWE for awhile, he will however go down as the greatest poetic, pedophile Road Warrior rapist of all time.
10. Tank Abbott (WCW; 1999-2000)
Ask any sports fan today and they will tell you mixed-martial arts (MMA) is a hot commodity these days. Thanks to UFC stepping up its game, fans all over the world have gotten into the sport and it certainly has taken a bit of WWE's thunder away. Hell, even pro wrestlers like Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashely have jumped ship from WWE to MMA to find success in mixed-martial arts.
But that wasn't the case ten years ago. MMA was in the early stages of blowing up onto the scene, so a good number of MMA fighters took part in pro wrestling to pay them bills. Ex-UFC champ Ken Shamrock had relative success while wrestling for WWF in the late 90's, so WCW decided to take a page from WWF's book and bring in one David Lee "Tank" Abbott.
Like with Arcidi, I would never want to get on Abbott's wrong side. But as he was suppose to be one of the toughest suvofabitch, the dude wasn't quite the sharpest knife in the drawer. As it became clear he looked like a bumbling fool in the ring, Abbott was pulled back into the undercard before he even got a main event push. His WCW career can best be highlighted as becoming the lead groupie for the boy band tag team, 3 Count. Think about it; that's like watching Kimbo Slice prancing around on-stage during a Justin Bieber concert. Perhaps Abbott was a huge Backstreet Boys and N*Sync fan, but otherwise I'll never know how the hell he agreed to stick with that.
9. Greg Gagne (AWA; 1980's)
If you happen to live in the Minnesota area or know a great deal of pro wrestling history, then you know Verne Gagne is one of the biggest legends in pro wrestling. Before World Wrestling Federation dominated the scene, there was the American Wrestling Association which was perhaps one of the biggest wrestling companies at that time. So with Verne passing the torch to his son, Greg, during AWA's prime, you figured it be like the saying, "Like father, like son," right?
The problem with Greg Gagne is that he looked like a total dweeb and far from being an actual wrestler. Watching him wrestle was like watching the President of the High School Chess Team step into the ring and take on the likes of Blackjack Lanza, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Plus, with his dad calling the shots in AWA, Greg was elevated to main event status and headlined shows.
Around the mid 1980's, someone figured Greg had to "toughen up", so he was paired up with the one and only Sgt. Slaughter for some boot campin' as if it was all set up like Greg was going to become the newest member of G.I. Joe. Can you imagine some nerd joining the elite ranks of Joes like Snake Eyes, Hawk, and Gung-Ho and taking down Cobra? I think not.
Like father, like son? More like...
8. Dave "Evad" Sullivan (WCW; 1994-1995)
For those of you who bore witness to Hulk Hogan's early years in WCW, you know how ridiculously bad it was with the types of gimmicks and story lines that took place during that time with Hulkster in control. This was one of the byproducts of Hogan's backstage power.
Dave (or Evad because he's, you know, dyslexic) came roaring onto the scene when Hogan made his WCW debut in 1994 and the lovable tard established himself as the "World's Biggest Hulk Hogan Fan". Talk about art imitating life. Like a Special Olympian getting a chance to spend a day with his hero, Evad would pair up with Hogan and Sting to fend off his evil brother, Kevin Sullivan and the Dungeon of Doom. When in the ring, the dyslexic one would wrestle on the same level like he would trying to pass a 3rd grade English exam. I should mention he was voted "Worst Wrestler" two years in a row from 1993 to 1994.
Oh, the highlight of his career came when he feuded with Diamond Dallas Page and DDP stole his pet rabbit and killed it. I'd tell you more about it, but just recalling this stupid angle will give migraines.
7. The Yeti (WCW; 1995)
Another WCW Hulkster byproduct that really reeks of shit. No really, it does smell like shit. Why else would Ron Reis be covered in toilet paper that looks like been stained with dog shit?
As if Hulk Hogan wasn't satisfied enough by bodyslamming Andre the Giant, Hogan bought in Paul Wight as The Giant to feud along with him like it was "Hogan-Andre II". The height of their battle occurred during Halloween Havoc '95 when both the Hulkster and Giant, aka Big Show, faced each other in a "Sumo Monster Truck Battle" which saw the two of them drive trucks on top of the Cobo Hall arena in Detroit; which I like to know how the hell they managed to get those trucks on top of the roof. Anyway, after a couple of retarded moments like Hogan pushing Giant off the roof and presumably killing him, Hogan was set up for an attack by the YET-TAYYYY and both Giant and Yeti went on to gang rape him. Once again, I am being serious.
Look kids, rape may not be funny...unless it occurs in pro wrestling.
6. El Gigante/Giant Gonzales (WCW/WWF; 1990-1991, 1992-1993)
It's kind of a rarity for a pro wrestler to suck up the joint in not one wrestling company, but two. Jorge Gonzalez was an Argentinian basketball star that was drafted by the Atlanta Hawks in 1989. Thanks to billionaire Ted Turner, who happened to own both the Hawks and Dubya-See-Dubya at the time, Gonzalez was given a career change and ended up lacing up dem wrasslin' boots as "El Gigante". Certainly he was a skyscraper while measuring over 7 feet tall, but that seemed like to be the only thing he got going on for him. He no sold moves and couldn't even perform the most basic of wrestling moves like the arm toss and kicks. While WCW did give him a main event push, they saw the writing on the wall that he really couldn't wrestle for jack shit and released him.
However, in an odd move, WWF came calling and decided to give Gonzalez another chance. But for some reason, Vince McMahon came up with a "brilliant" plan to make the tall, but scrawny Argentinian look stronger by placing him in a bodysuit with airbrushed muscle lines and patches of hair glued onto it.
OK, OK...hold up. Just WHAT THE FUCK is that?!?! That's sure gotta be the biggest and hairiest gooch I've ever seen. I'd like to see the look on Undertaker's face when he took one good look at Gonzalez's monstrous bush at Wrestlemania. Even with a suit that made him look like the world's tallest transgender Amazonian, Giant Gonzalez's feud with Taker was considered to be the worst feud of 1993 and the last feud he's been in.
5. Jenna Morasca (TNA; 2009)
I think it should be common knowledge by now that just because you appeared on a reality TV show doesn't automatically mean you're now a celebrity. For no good reason whatsoever, TNA decided to bring in former Survivor contestant Jenna Morasca to start a feud with Booker T's wife, Sharmell...which makes me wonder; would that make her Mrs. T?
Anyway, a match was signed for TNA Victory Road '09 between the two and the best way how this match went down was like watching a orphanage burn down after a bus full of nuns crashed into it. This by all means was the worst wrestling match you'll ever witness.
In most cases, all (or most) is forgiven if the two female wrestlers fighting are hot, but with a good look at Morasca's Arby's Roast Beef Curtain Sandwich as she got into the ring, that unfortunately wasn't the case. What we got was 8 minutes of pure torture that was topped off by god awful offensive by Morasca's pansy slaps. I should mention that people actually paid 50 hard-earned dollars to watch this on pay-per-view. Imaging blowing $500 on buying a cold remedy that's suppose to cure everything; only to find out it's just hobo's piss.
Thankfully on TNA's part, Morasca was never seen in another match and her contract was terminated two weeks later. But what's scary is to think that people could have wasted 50 more dollars with the possibility of another Jenna Morasca PPV match.
4. Uncle Elmer (WWF; 1985-1986)
I think it's safe to say that rednecks all around love pro wrestling. How else can you explain how Stone Cold Steve Austin, the self-proclaimed Bionic Redneck, became so friggin' popular in the WWF? But before Vince McMahon made Stone Cold a representative of the redneck population, McMahon did something similar back in the mid 80's by trying to appease the "other" redneck; hillbillies.
While Austin easily clicked with the rednecks, not so much with the hillbillies as we were introduced to a gang of hillbillies led by the one and only Uncle Elmer. This country bumpkin managed to shit up television sets all across the country as he was likely to be on Saturday Night Main Event nine times out of ten during the mid 80's. In fact, Uncle Elmer's chance in the spotlight came during an episode where the whole entire show was devoted to the wedding ceremony between Elmer and his lovely bride, Buddy Hackett in drag. The audience loathed the whole thing and started throwing garbage at the newly weds.
As for his wrestling goes, Uncle Elmer was like watching two people dressed up in those sumo suits bounce into each other on bar night. I don't know if he was tanked up on moonshine, but Elmer's match with Adrian Adonis (stuck with a gay flower shop owner gimmick) in Wrestlemania 2 was a mess.
3. Goobledy Gooker (WWF; 1990)
It's a fucking Thanksgiving turkey that wrestles, NEED I SAY MORE?
2. Zeus (WWF; 1989-1990)
If you've followed my blog before, then you already know about the atrocity of the No Holds Barred movie featuring Hulk Hogan. B-movie veteran Tiny Lister took on the role of antagonist ZEEEEEEEEEUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS (as Vince McMahon would announce him) in No Holds Barred and actually appeared in WWF to wrestle in a couple of matches. But hold on one second. Instead of facing off with Hulkster in order to promote No Holds Barred, he showed up AFTER the movie was released in theaters. Plus, with the video release of No Holds Barred far away, I would consider Zeus' appearance in the WWF as sort of a "post" promotion for the movie release.
A thing to realize about WWF is that Vince McMahon loved big, muscular men; even if they had no business to be in the ring. Zeus was such the case. In the grand scheme of things, McMahon envisioned Zeus to be headlining the main event at Wrestlemania VI against Hulk Hogan. But seeing how Zeus only knew two wrestling moves, the bear hug and illegal chokehold, McMahon was stuck with a flop that's worth $500K. He would be limited to doing only run-ins and managerial roles during his time in WWF. When he actually got in the ring to wrestling, he would be paired up with someone else like Randy Savage or Ted DiBiase to do all the work for him.
As much as I like Tiny Lister as an actor, the thought of witnessing a 30-minute match between Zeus and Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI makes you wonder if that could have been the worst Wrestlemania match ever.
1. Steve "Mongo" McMichael (WCW; 1995-1999)
As you've probably figured out by now with this list, chances are pretty high that you'll suck as a pro-wrestler if you came from a second background like acting, football, power-lifting, and so on. If there was one person who really should have stuck to their day job, Chicago Bears lineman Steve "Mongo" McMichael takes the cake.
McMichael first dabbled in pro-wrestling back in early 1995 as part of Lawrence Taylor's entourage in his Wrestlemania XI main event match against Bam Bam Bigelow. It appeared he had a blast getting involved with pro wrestling, so he headed down to Georgia and signed a hefty contract with WCW. As the Monday Night Wars officially began with the debut of WCW Nitro, someone thought it would be a wonderful idea to feature McMichael as a part of the announce team. Here's where we get the first taste of the atrotious shit storm known as "Mongo". (Just watch the intro)
Those with English majors would go into epileptic seizures by hearing Mongo's raping of the English language. It was both funny and pathetic at the same time to hear him insult Bobby "The Brain" Heenan when he was only insulting himself whenever he opened his mouth. Hell, the way he called the action in the ring would make Evad Sullivan seem like the captain of the Harvard debate team.
After failing to pronounce big words like "magnificent" and "athlete", McMichael finally got his chance to shine in the WCW ring by 1996....did I say shine? I meant fuck up royally.
Yes, Mongo wasn't the best of performers in professional wrestling. There wouldn't be a Steve "Mongo" Michael match without him messing up at least one or two moves. I know actions speak louder than words, so here's a sample of Mongo McMichael in action:
During the height of his WCW career, McMichael managed to bring some of his NFL buddies in to help shit things up in the ring. With the likes of Kevin Greene and Reggie White, it seemed like half of NFL's roster began to show up in WCW. With Mongo in the wings, he made sure that his matches with NFL talent were embarassingly bad.
However, if there is one thing we can all thank Mongo for, that would be getting Goldberg into WCW and go on his monstrous undefeated streak and become the top dog in the company. BUT not before Mongo wrestled him in one of Mongo's crappiest matches.
Perhaps his biggest moment in his wrestling career was his induction to the Four Horsemen group. Now for you wrestling fans out there, I know that's something you cannot possible stomach. Here was a man who had difficulty with phonics and delivered sloppy matches become a part of a group of legendary wrestlers like Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, and Tully Blanchard. To give McMichael credit, at least he wasn't the worst Four Hoursemen member (that dubious honor goes to Paul Roma).
His WCW career was coming to a close in 1999 as the WCW roster was already bloated to the rim and it was time to let him go of his contract. In order to write him off, the WCW writing team gave him a "valiant" sendoff.
Yeah, that was pretty damn stupid. Having the Hulkster finish you off by throwing water from a janitor's mop bucket is like an entire accumulation of Steve "Mongo" McMichael's professional wrestling career. So here's to you Mongo; for giving us reason to believe you are the most ridiculously bad pro wrestler ever.
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