Sequels and prequels are solely designed to make a quick cash cow off of successful originals. Yes, I know that not all sequels are bad - for example, Godfather Part II and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are arguably better than the original - but unfortunately the majority of them flat out suck. However, we can't put all the blame on Hollywood for bringing out sequels and prequels to beloved movie franchises. The audience can be blamed as well as they demand to see more or they'll have to resort to creating fanfictions with horrible results. I'll betcha that if you go to Google, you'll find multiple erotic stories involving the characters from Avatar and Harry Potter. This is why Hollywood needs to have sequels so that we don't have to have our minds scarred for life.
Anyway, sit back and relax as I'll go over some of the most god awful se/prequels that have graced our weary eyes.
1000-21. Every Direct-To-Video Movie
Isn't it kind of obvious why studios send sequels and prequels direct to video and not in theaters? That's because THEY FUCKING SUCK
The amount of direct-to-video sequels/prequels is staggering and I could be here until the next century naming out all of the D2V movies that are bad. Whether it be a halfassed sequel to a highly-praised Disney animated film or the 27th sequel to some dipshit teen comedy, these DVD shit jobs are only polluting Netflix and Blockbuster. Besides parents and babysitters purchasing crappy Disney sequels like Mulan 2 or Lion King 2 to shut the kids up for an hour or two, there's no excuse why anyone would want to watch a direct-to-video sequel or prequel. The only real demographic of people I can think of who actually watch them are pothead teens trying to waste a Saturday or Sunday. Now that I think of it, it makes perfect sense to be stoned off your ass in order to watch Save the Last Dance for Last 3 or Home Alone: Wacky Molestation Times because I'd get the hell out of there and leave if someone put it on.
Before I go on with my list, I would like to mention that there are a couple of direct-to-video sequels that are particularly so bad that they deserve their own mentions, such as...
19. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr.
If there's one positive thing that I can say about this movie, it's that Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. is not the worst sequel/prequel in which Jim Carrey starred in the original. Otherwise, everything else is negative. This stinker of a turd was directed by David Mickey Evans who happens to have a long list of bad movies under his belt (Sandlot II, Ed, First Kid, and some stupid National Lampoon teen comedy). It's almost like Warner Bros. wanted to make this one so inconceivably awful that they needed an awful director to make it. Instead of the wacky and zany antics of Jim Carrey playing the role of the title character, what we get is some pudgy little Nickelodeon reject who does perhaps the worst Jim Carrey impersonations ever. I had to double check what the actual genre of this movie was because even though its listed as a comedy, I could've swore this was actually a tearjeaker because how terrible this movie is.
18. Legally Blondes
Oh I get it! They're twins! And they're both blonde!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
But seriously, that's the entire movie. Let's move on.
17. Rocky V
16. Hannibal Rising
I think it would be kind of unfair to include Hannibal Rising on my list because it was actually based off the novel written by Thomas Harris; who wrote Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon, and Hannibal. However, while the movie did directly follow Harris' novel, I think we should put blame on Harris for bringing this unnecessary prequel out there.
To me, Hannibal Rising kind of shits on what everything the Silence of the Lambs series was all about. It's hard to swallow seeing Hannibal Lector being a whiny little prick while dealing with some asinine plot about cannibalistic Nazis and a Japanese aunt he tries to mack with.
I'll give Harris credit though. At least he admitted that the only reason he made Hannibal Rising was to make sure that no one else would do it. You heard right; if something is going to suck badly, might as well do it yourself.
15. The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas
I'll give Harris credit though. At least he admitted that the only reason he made Hannibal Rising was to make sure that no one else would do it. You heard right; if something is going to suck badly, might as well do it yourself.
15. The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas
If you needed any indication that this prequel to the Flintstones live-action movie is horrible, look no further than the star of the movie Stephen Baldwin. No, not Alec, but the other one who's not so popular. While the 1994 original was pretty dopey and goofy, at least they had star power in the film like John Goodman, Halle Berry, Elizabeth Taylor, Rick Moranis, and Elizabeth Perkins. Here we got...ummm...Stephen Baldwin? Joan Collins? That guy who played Boris in Goldeneye? Yeah, not much to work with here folks. Best way to describe Viva Rock Vegas is like watching those cheesy, mediocre Flintstones movies from the 70s, but just more awful.
Hey, at least Viva Rock Vegas has an edge over the original 1994 film as Betty Rubble was hot in Viva Rock Vegas while in the other one....well.....let's put it this way: she was played by someone whose name rhymes with "Osie" and "Rodonnell".
14. Basic Instinct 2
Hey, at least Viva Rock Vegas has an edge over the original 1994 film as Betty Rubble was hot in Viva Rock Vegas while in the other one....well.....let's put it this way: she was played by someone whose name rhymes with "Osie" and "Rodonnell".
14. Basic Instinct 2
In 1992, Basic Instinct was a box office hit with one of the most memorable film sequences involving Sharon Stone spreading her "goods" while being interrogated. Fast forward 14 years later to the sequel and we managed to get a box office bomb and an unmemorable Sharon Stone who looks like an aging prostitute from the Red Light District. How did this happen?
For starters, Basic Instinct 2 is an exact carbon copy of the original. Seductive woman that's the key suspect? Check. Detective who goes after her and ends up being her sex toy? Check. Explicit scene where Sharon Stone spreads her legs? Che....well, half check really. In the sequel, it makes you want to gag when Stone shows her roast beef curtains. I think you get the point that Basic Instinct 2 is more or less a remake of the original Basic Instinct movie. The only difference is it's 10x more mind numbing and retarded.
It's a shame MGM Studios (who released the film) should've just put the kibosh on this fiasco of a sequel as they wound up losing $27 million on making this film. Then again, you can't blame them for releasing Basic Instinct 2 because the damn movie had been in development for over 6 years and Sharon Stone threw a shit fit when they were about to pull the plug on the project and threatened to sue.
Hold on to your asses though, there's rumors swirling around that Stone wants to direct a third Basic Instinct movie. Pray to Buddha she doesn't pull this one off by spreading her maligned ladies to potential suitors.
13. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
I'm certain I wasn't the only one who couldn't stand all the damn buzz and hype about the Blair Witch Project when it came out in 1999, but it looks like Book of Shadows was punishment for all of those who were giving Blair Witch Project the proverbial blowjob.
The only reason Book of Shadows: Blair Witch ever got released is to cash in on the monster success the original Blair Witch movie did in theaters. It's like the studio heads were in a meeting and said, "HEY! Let's make a sequel!" And so they did, but then forgot to actually make a story or plot for the movie. Instead, they just transplanted a generic made-for-TV SyFy Channel movie and put it in Blair Witch 2. OK, that was a low blow. I've seen way much better SyFy Channel movies than Blair Witch 2.
12. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace
I don't know what was more torturous for Christopher Reeve; being paralyzed from the neck down for the last years of his life, or going through in acting in Superman IV.
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace feels like it was written by a fourth grader who's trying to win an essay contest for Earth Day. The most faithful of Superman fans would cringe watching a retarded plot involving Supes calling for world peace and destroying every single piece of nuclear weapon on the face of the Earth. Now if you know this movie was kosher to the comic book, that would've made Superman the biggest jerk ever as we all well know there's intergalactic threats lurking out there.
However, despite all the really bad special effects and convoluted plot, what makes Superman IV really shine is the introduction of NUCLEAR MULLET MAN.
For starters, Basic Instinct 2 is an exact carbon copy of the original. Seductive woman that's the key suspect? Check. Detective who goes after her and ends up being her sex toy? Check. Explicit scene where Sharon Stone spreads her legs? Che....well, half check really. In the sequel, it makes you want to gag when Stone shows her roast beef curtains. I think you get the point that Basic Instinct 2 is more or less a remake of the original Basic Instinct movie. The only difference is it's 10x more mind numbing and retarded.
It's a shame MGM Studios (who released the film) should've just put the kibosh on this fiasco of a sequel as they wound up losing $27 million on making this film. Then again, you can't blame them for releasing Basic Instinct 2 because the damn movie had been in development for over 6 years and Sharon Stone threw a shit fit when they were about to pull the plug on the project and threatened to sue.
Hold on to your asses though, there's rumors swirling around that Stone wants to direct a third Basic Instinct movie. Pray to Buddha she doesn't pull this one off by spreading her maligned ladies to potential suitors.
13. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
The only reason Book of Shadows: Blair Witch ever got released is to cash in on the monster success the original Blair Witch movie did in theaters. It's like the studio heads were in a meeting and said, "HEY! Let's make a sequel!" And so they did, but then forgot to actually make a story or plot for the movie. Instead, they just transplanted a generic made-for-TV SyFy Channel movie and put it in Blair Witch 2. OK, that was a low blow. I've seen way much better SyFy Channel movies than Blair Witch 2.
12. Superman IV: The Quest For Peace
Superman IV: The Quest For Peace feels like it was written by a fourth grader who's trying to win an essay contest for Earth Day. The most faithful of Superman fans would cringe watching a retarded plot involving Supes calling for world peace and destroying every single piece of nuclear weapon on the face of the Earth. Now if you know this movie was kosher to the comic book, that would've made Superman the biggest jerk ever as we all well know there's intergalactic threats lurking out there.
However, despite all the really bad special effects and convoluted plot, what makes Superman IV really shine is the introduction of NUCLEAR MULLET MAN.
God damn, now doesn't that scream the 1980s or what? Just one look of his nucleolus mullet and tight-as-hell asscrack spandex would definitely make Superman fall on his knees like being shot by a Kryptonite bullet.
11. Caddyshack II
File this one under "Why Mess Around with a Good Thing?" The original Caddyshack is undoubtedly one of the best golf movies of all time. Who can't forget Bill Murray's role as the slow, but lovable Carl Spackler who's hellbent on getting that gopher? Or what about Rodney Dangerfield's famous quote, "HEY EVERYBODY! We're all gonna get laid!"? Unfortunately, like most good movies, the inevitable sequel was right around the corner and boy did it completely shit on the original.
Kiddied down to a PG-rating, Caddyshack II features Jackie Mason telling the same boring Jew jokes that aren't even funny. Plus, our good friend Spackler is nowhere to be found as he's been replaced by a cheap knockoff played by Dan Aykroyd. Chevy Chase is the only returning character from the original film, but he looked like he wants to be anywhere else but here. Best way to describe Caddyshack II is Warner Bros. wanted to give a big middle finger to the original Caddyshack and made the sequel so horribly wrong.
10. Speed 2: Cruise Control
As if strapping a bomb on a bus which would exploded if it goes under 50 miles per hour wasn't absurd enough, Speed 2 raises the bar even higher by strapping a bomb on a mother fuckin' boat!
Like many other bad sequels, Speed 2: Cruise Control suffers from horrible acting and an inexcusably moronic plot. Props to Keanu Reeves for turning down a part in this movie, making him not the dumbest actor of all time. Among the absurdity of Speed 2: Cruise Control includes William Dafoe rigging up a complex bomb system all for just a couple pieces of jewelry, Sandra Bullock wooden acting, and also some deaf girl thrown in there that makes Helen Keller seem like a Harvard graduate. I know I usually say "It's a movie stupid" when someone questions the logic of a movie, but with Speed 2, there is absolutely no logic to be found.
9. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
The first Jaws was definitely a classic hit and is considered to be one of the greatest movies of all time. In fact, it was also nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. When the second Jaws came out, it wasn't as great as the original, but it wasn't bad either. Most people seem to agree that for a sequel, Jaws 2 wasn't that bad at all. But when the third one came out....well....things just got very silly. To start, Jaws 3-D takes place in none other than Sea World. Yes, that Sea World. The same amusement park when you can squeal at Shamu the Killer Whale while you can enjoy tuna sandwiches at the food court. In case if you needed some spoilers on what happens in Jaws 3-D, a great white shark wrecks havoc at Sea World and kills people. It just so happens that the kid from the original movie is all grown up (played by Dennis Quaid in his first major role) and is present at Sea World at the time of the attacks.
9. Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd
Egads, another crappy sequel based on a movie that starred Jim Carrey? Not only that, but it's still not the worst Jim Carrey-based sequel of all time? Yup, it's true. You'll find out soon enough what is the worst Jim Carrey-based sequel of all time is, but right now let's focus on what went wrong with this one.
While I got to give credit to Eric Christian Olsen for doing a bang-up job in playing the role of Harry Christmas, the rest of the movie fails. If you think about it, Dumb & Dumber never really had source material to begin with as it's just two dopes fucking things up wherever they go. So why waste your time with Dumb &Dumberer as all you're getting is obnoxious poop and fart jokes that even your 8 year old brother will find stupid.
8. Jaws 3-D
Thanks to the technology of 3-D, now the shit flies right at your face!
The first Jaws was definitely a classic hit and is considered to be one of the greatest movies of all time. In fact, it was also nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. When the second Jaws came out, it wasn't as great as the original, but it wasn't bad either. Most people seem to agree that for a sequel, Jaws 2 wasn't that bad at all. But when the third one came out....well....things just got very silly. To start, Jaws 3-D takes place in none other than Sea World. Yes, that Sea World. The same amusement park when you can squeal at Shamu the Killer Whale while you can enjoy tuna sandwiches at the food court. In case if you needed some spoilers on what happens in Jaws 3-D, a great white shark wrecks havoc at Sea World and kills people. It just so happens that the kid from the original movie is all grown up (played by Dennis Quaid in his first major role) and is present at Sea World at the time of the attacks.
If that doesn't get your head scratching, top the rest of the mind-numbing plot with special 3-D effects that movie audiences sat through while watching Jaws 3-D. Remember those red and blue 3-D glasses that were the craze back in the 80's? Not only did the movie look stupid, but the audience watching this looked stupid as well.
7. Batman & Robin
6. Son of the Mask
Wouldn't it be ICE if we painted Arnold Schwarzenegger blue and have him spout off puns after puns after puns as Mr. Freeze? Well, Joel Schumacher thought that it was FROSTastic.
If you needed any reason to believe that Batman & Robin is undoubtedly the goofiest comic book based movie of all time, look no further then who's cast as Batman. I mean, c'mon, George Fucking Clooney? He certainly doesn't fit the description of a man who saw his parents murdered in cold blood as a kid. Nor does he appear to be the tortured soul Batman is suppose to be. In fact, he looks more like a smug asshole who seems like he just fucked your girlfriend (basically, he was playing the role of himself). In any case, we have Mr. Schwarzenegger to thank for ruining puns for the rest of the world. Now that's just COLD.
6. Son of the Mask
That's right; another sequel in which Jim Carrey starred in the original that totally sucks. You're probably thinking, "How could this get any worse?" Well, fortunately it can't, so step on up and claim your prize. Son of the Mask is New Line Cinema's ultimate display of grief that Jim Carrey won't do any more sequels for them. What makes this one much more dreadful than the rest of the other Jim Carrey-less sequels is an extremely retarded storyline and horrid CGI animation. Back when the original Mask movie came out, CGI wasn't used as much in films and was considered to be a luxury. You would think that with CGI animation being more used widely in movies now that Son of the Mask would have an edge over the original Mask movie. Let me stress the point you would think. You definitely want to gouge your eyes out on how atrociously crude these CGI effects are. I've seen amateur 3D animations from community college students much better than what's being used in Son of the Mask.
Terrible animations aside, Son of the Mask also suffers the same fate that Caddyshack II did by toning it down to appease a "family-friendly" audience. Producers think that by making a movie "PG" when it's intended to be more dark and mature, they'll get make more by letting a wider audience be able to watch the movie. The downfall of this mentality is that while it may work in theory, it definitely will not work if you half-ass it in writing and producing the movie. Thanks to this, it shouldn't be any surprise that Son of the Mask lost $30 million in the box office.
5. Blues Brother 2000
To being, I think I'll need a chart to show you the levels of rage when watching American Pie and its sequels.
Poor Eugene Levy. He must have done something extremely awful in his past life to be subjected in appearing every single American Pie movie since the beginning.
It's amazing how many American Pie films were produced since 1999 when the original came out. Who knew when we all laughed away at Jason Biggs raping an apple pie would cause a chain reaction so unfathomable that it makes MeatbaIlls 4 with Corey Feldman seem like Gone With the Wind? I don't know how many times you can appease the same target audience -- 14-16 year old boys who are the horniest little bastards in the world -- by giving them the same worn-out jokes and horrible comedy.
Things were just fine with the first American Pie movie, but when American Pie 2 came out, it was pretty much the same exact movie we saw before. Both had band camp references, both had Stifler drinking piss, and both had Eugene Levy walking in on Jason Biggs going buck wild. Rinse and repeat for American Wedding and we got the same exact results. However, when the first Direct-To-DVD American Pie hit shelves, things really got out of hand...
There's not much to write about it terms of storyline with Band Camp, Naked Mile, Beta House, or The Book of Love, but the comedy in them is just as funny as Henry Kissinger cracking a joke. And as for the gratuitous amounts of sex and nudity? If you really need a porn fix for your masturbation session, just go on the Internet. In fact, there's really nothing special except for a few boob shots, so you can do a lot better than the American Pie videos.
Also, I'd avoid The Book of Love at all costs. There's something rather awkward seeing the kid who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie all grown up and trying to score with chicks.
I'd really love to see someone take the so-called advices from the American Pie series and try them out to get girls. Probably the first reaction you'll get is a felony for attempted rape.
5. Blues Brother 2000
Last time I recalled, didn't the blues suppose to have soul in it? That's funny, because Blues Brothers 2000 has zero soul. I'll bet you can find more soul in John Belushi's lifeless corpse than this movie. Someone decided it was time to bring back the Blue Brothers franchise to life in 1998, but as you'll see, John Goodman is absolutely no substitute for the late, great John Belushi. Despite that, Blues Brothers 2000 was definitely a heart wrencher for blues fans as the movie did feature a Who's Who list of the greats in soul and blues like James Brown, Eric Clapton, Aretha Franklin, Bo Diddley, Lou Rawls, Isaac Hayes, and B.B. King, but unfortunately these great are trapped inside quite a soulless experience.
Here's an (un)interesting fact: in order to promote Blues Brother 2000, the producers decided that we would be subjected to Dan Akyroyd, Jim Belushi, and John Goodman singing and dancing their way right on stage at the Halftime Show at Super Bowl XXXII. Granted this wasn't the worst Halftime Show ever - that dubious honor goes to Ashlee Simpson sounding like a strangled peacock at the Rose Bowl - but it certainly made people switch the channel to watch something better like a Golden Girls rerun.
4. Star Wars Episodes I & II
3. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Here's an (un)interesting fact: in order to promote Blues Brother 2000, the producers decided that we would be subjected to Dan Akyroyd, Jim Belushi, and John Goodman singing and dancing their way right on stage at the Halftime Show at Super Bowl XXXII. Granted this wasn't the worst Halftime Show ever - that dubious honor goes to Ashlee Simpson sounding like a strangled peacock at the Rose Bowl - but it certainly made people switch the channel to watch something better like a Golden Girls rerun.
4. Star Wars Episodes I & II
Let's get this out of the way first: Jar Jar Binks was a really annoying character. Yeah, Double Jar was certainly a heat magnet for many fans on why the Star Wars prequels sucked, but if you look at the Star Wars prequel trilogy as a whole, there were plenty of things beside Jar Jar Binks that made it an utter mess.
To start, Episode I: The Phantom Menace was considered to be the least popular, but it did present some pretty badass elements to the series. On one hand, we were introduced to Darth Maul and Qui-Gon Jinn, but on the other, we were slammed with obnoxious alien characters like Jar Jar and Watto that made watching Episode I unbearable. Also, there was a crap load of marketing and promotion for The Phantom Menace as everywhere you looked there were advertisments for the film all over the god damn place. You name it; TV, radio, newspapers, billboards, soda cans, condoms, etc., they were hyping this up to be the best movie in the existence of mankind. Of course when the movie came out, it never lives up to its hype and wound up being the lowest rated Star Wars movie ever.
While Episode II was somewhat of an improvement over Episode I, you knew something was amiss when you saw the title. Attack of the Clones? I had to verify this was actually the real title to Episode II because this sounded like a bad 50s sci-fi movie. Not that the movie was horrible, but it was somewhat unremarkable to say the least. There weren't really much memorable moments in Attack of the Clones except some dopey romantic scenes between a pre-Vader Anakin Skywalker and Padame and also the revelation that every Stormtrooper employed by the Empire is a clone of Boba Fett's daddy. In fact, some could say that the whole Vader/Natalie Portman romance was a precursor to Twilight's whole deal with sparkly vampires and vampire/werewolf love triangles, which of course is a terrible thing.
Luckily, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (although it still had a crummy title) wasn't too bad except for one minor detail....
3. Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2
Is there anyone out there that can explain to me how the hell did this was ever made? In all seriousness, this goes to show that there's enough pedophiles out there who want to see a movie about babies prancing around in nothing but diapers to a completely incoherent storyline. But even for a kids' movie, I bet if you get your three year old kid to watch this, he or she will probably commit suicide.
Seeing how Jon Voight is the star of this unfortunate mess, I rather be stuck in the same "Squeal Like a Pig" scene in Deliverance than ever watch Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. And what do you know? This is a nice segway to our next entry...
2. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Let's look at it this way. Were Star Wars Episodes I through III necessary? I'd say so considering George Lucas set himself up for prequels by making the first Star Wars the fourth episode. But was making a fourth Indiana Jones movie necessary? Absolutely friggin' not.
I may not be the biggest Indiana Jones fan ever, but I still cannot grasp how much of a clusterfuck Steven Spielberg and George Lucas made Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. There were just so many things wrong about this movie. Grovel as good ol' Indy locks himself inside refrigerators, escape the clutches of evil Commies, and mingle with aliens. Yes, aliens. You know as well as I do that aliens and Indiana Jones have no business being together.
From the most die-hard Indiana Jones fan to the casual viewer, everyone will sheath with rage to see Shia LaBeouf being groomed as the next Indy throughout the entire film. I consider Mr. LaDouche to be the murderer of franchises (see: Transformers, Wall Street). It doesn't help that he's in unarguably the worst scene in any Indiana Jones movie as he's swinging from tree to tree with some poorly animated CGI monkeys. Oh yes, the CGI. I'm surprised that even that Spielberg and Lucas have a huge hard-on for CGI technology these days, it was goofy as fuck when it was used in Crystal Skull.
1. Every American Pie Sequel
1. Every American Pie Sequel
To being, I think I'll need a chart to show you the levels of rage when watching American Pie and its sequels.
It's amazing how many American Pie films were produced since 1999 when the original came out. Who knew when we all laughed away at Jason Biggs raping an apple pie would cause a chain reaction so unfathomable that it makes MeatbaIlls 4 with Corey Feldman seem like Gone With the Wind? I don't know how many times you can appease the same target audience -- 14-16 year old boys who are the horniest little bastards in the world -- by giving them the same worn-out jokes and horrible comedy.
Things were just fine with the first American Pie movie, but when American Pie 2 came out, it was pretty much the same exact movie we saw before. Both had band camp references, both had Stifler drinking piss, and both had Eugene Levy walking in on Jason Biggs going buck wild. Rinse and repeat for American Wedding and we got the same exact results. However, when the first Direct-To-DVD American Pie hit shelves, things really got out of hand...
There's not much to write about it terms of storyline with Band Camp, Naked Mile, Beta House, or The Book of Love, but the comedy in them is just as funny as Henry Kissinger cracking a joke. And as for the gratuitous amounts of sex and nudity? If you really need a porn fix for your masturbation session, just go on the Internet. In fact, there's really nothing special except for a few boob shots, so you can do a lot better than the American Pie videos.
Also, I'd avoid The Book of Love at all costs. There's something rather awkward seeing the kid who played Alfalfa in the Little Rascals movie all grown up and trying to score with chicks.
I'd really love to see someone take the so-called advices from the American Pie series and try them out to get girls. Probably the first reaction you'll get is a felony for attempted rape.
