Top 10 Absolutely Unnecessary Film Adaptations

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Hollywood has officially run out of ideas. By looking last two months alone, about 10 movies were released that were either remakes or based off of something like a comic book or novel. That's about one every week among the 3 or 4 releases they put out every Friday.

Most remakes are bad, but what really irks people the most is what Hollywood decides what they'll make a movie out of. Historically, many films based off of books have been successful, but as people begin to distract themselves with other things like video games and toys, movie studios needed to find a solution. As you'll see here, it's not always a surefire winner if you decide to produce a movie based off a line of slutty toy dolls or unfunny comic strips.

Note: You'll probably notice that I haven't included any movies from notorious German director Uwe Boll. Granted many of his films truly deserve to be on this list, I'd figure I only be beating the far beyond decomposed dead horse by knocking on the poor kraut.

Dis-honorable Mention: No Holds Barred (1989)



Not a direct adaptation, but a more loose adaptation of how things were in the World Wrestling Federation during the late 1980's. In order to appease Hulk Hogan's Jupiter-sized ego, Vince McMahon order a movie to be produced to feature none other than -- who else? -- Hulkster himself. The entire film was written out to be like a typical, cheesy WWF storyline, which isn't necessarily a good thing for a 93 minute movie that's crudely written and features a half-naked Hulk Hogan *shudders*

10. Magic 8 Ball (2011)



Even though its in the beginning stages of filming, this one will definitely be a stinker. I can already see the plot from a mile away: it's about a Magic 8 Ball that predicts the future and comes true! If you didn't see that coming, you must be either under 7 years old or the world's most naive person.

9. Garfield: The Movie (2004)



Jim Davis is one slick bastard. Over the past 30 years, Mr. Davis has disguised a serial novella about a man suffering from a cocktail of schizophrenia, narcissism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression into a comic strip involving a fat cat who likes lasagna. The ever funny Garfield Minus Garfield peels away the skin to show what Garfield's true nature is.

However, the bubble-headed producers at 20th Century Fox never got clued in about this and made a dumb movie that was about "HURRRR DURRRRRRR, WHAT A LAZY CAT, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!11!!" The confusing casting call is what makes the Garfield movie mind numbing. It would've made much more sense to cast Bill Murray as Jon Arbuckle as he better fits the description of a man who suffers such mental and emotional disorders and lives with a cat to channel his emotions towards. But instead, we got the perky as ever Breckin Meyer to play Jon. The only explanation that Meyer got the role is the audience is suppose to believe Jon's awash in prescription medicine to combat his disorders. Also, when the fuck did Jon become a hit with the ladies? If you've followed the comic, you see that no matter what -- even if he pays for sex -- he's still a lonely virgin loser.



8. Bratz (2007)



Don't get me wrong; it's not the notion these dolls are promoting that little girls should dress up like sluts that bothers me the most. What bothers me is kids these days want to have dolls that look like freakish aliens with a tragic botox accident known as their lips. Luckily we're spared the hideousness in form of a live-action movie, but it still preaches that every girl between the ages of 7 and 14 should be a "classy" whore.

7. The Country Bears (2002)



Back in 2001, Disney ordered to have movie adaptations made based on two of their attractions found in Magic Kingdom. One of them was Pirates of the Caribbean, which became a huge success thanks to Johnny Deep's leading role as the lovable Captain Jack Sparrow. Pirates of the Caribbean would spawn several sequels and a huge source of revenue for Disney. The other movie...well, it didn't really get off the ground at all and just faltered big time.

I don't remember much about the Country Bears show in Magic Kingdom, but I think I do recall that it was one of those attractions full of animatronic bears and no one gave a damn about. I think it had to do in part that it was located next door to one of the restaurants and everyone wanted them to shut the hell up so they can eat their rat burgers and greasy fries in peace.

Also, Haley Joel Osment (the kid from Sixth Sense) provided the voice for the lead character as this would be one of his last major role in a movie. Reason why? Puberty has been such a bitch for Haley, I mean take a look at him now...



Don't you just want to punch him in the face? Guess the stress of being in a movie about Disney's least-favorite attraction got to him.


6. Howard the Duck (1986)



This movie would have been off the hook hadn't I been informed this was based off of a Marvel comic book, so no free pass for you! Probably the dumbest character Marvel has created, Howard the Duck is simply a direct ripoff of Donald Duck. While Marvel originally intended Howard the Duck to be all about fun and games with a side of comic relief, a multimillion dollar budget film seemed like a rather odd choice considering this was Marvel's first stab at the film market. That's right; before we all came to love the string of Marvel Comic flicks like Spider Man, X-Men, and Iron Man, Stan Lee and crew chose the anthropomorphic duck to represent the M.

OH, guess who wanted to adapt Howard the Duck into a movie in the first place? George Lucas of course (makes sense).

Interesting Fact: Looks like one of the producers for the movie would totally agreed with my title of "Absolutely Unnecessary Film Adaptation". There is a rumor that Universal Pictures producers Frank Price and Sidney Sheinberg engaged in a fistfight while arguing over which one of them actually green lighted this piece of turd. Only in Hollywood.


5. Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)



I think this one should have been called "My 90 Minutes Back, Where Are You?" Good lord did this adaptation of the classic TV show sucked hard. When you got a cast that consists of Buster Pointdexter, Rosie O'Donnell, Daniel Baldwin, and Fran Drescher; you know you're in for an absolute terrible time in watching Car 54. Joe E. Ross and Fred Gwynne certainly didn't deserve this sort of treatment as you'll probably want to punch babies after sitting through maybe 5 or 10 minutes of this treachery. Hell, this was originally going to be released in 1990, but after Orion Pictures went bankrupt, Car 54 never saw the light of day until 4 years later. Why they didn't just leave it on the shelf is beyond me.

Interesting Fact: Al Lewis (better known as Grandpa Munster) reprised his role from the original show, but he should have done his best Grandpa Munster impersonation and stayed in the casket.




4. It's Pat: The Movie (1994)



If you happen to look up "one-dimensional" in the dictionary, you'd probably find It's Pat: The Movie as one of the definitions.

The whole "Pat" routine by Julia Sweeney is arguably the worst reoccurring sketch in Saturday Night Live's history. You can do so much (or so little) with a premise that involves guessing the character's gender as the entire punchline. It should have been left as a single 5-minute sketch and call it a day, but someone thought it should be brought on as an 80-minute dudfest of a film. I can only recommend this movie if you happen to suffer from severe short-term memory loss.

Interesting Fact: Julia Sweeney now has her own one-woman standup shows which are about her conversion to atheism. I'm guessing with It's Pat: The Movie, she thought there was no god if something like this was allowed to happen.


3. The Cat In The Hat (2004)



Haven't Universal Pictures learned their lesson from the amount of backlash in releasing the terrible How The Grinch Stole Christmas movie in 2000 featuring Jim Carrey? It's one thing to rape the good name of Dr. Seuss, but Universal's Cat In The Hat goes beyond necrophilia.

I'd like to know who exactly thought it was a wise move to bring back the creepy makeup and visuals from the Grinch for The Cat In The Hat. I mean, what came first -- Universal's plan to adapt Dr. Seuss' Cat In The Hat or their insistence to rehire the same production designer from The Grinch?

I'm all for sharing with our kids some of the classics we grew up with, but this will scare them permanently from letting you read any more Dr. Seuss books to them.


2. Super Mario Bros. (1993)



This movie adaptation of the world's most beloved video game franchise beloved is proof some things shouldn't necessarily be produced into a movie just because it made a lot of friggin' money.

Things would have been easier for Hollywood Pictures, the film company who made Super Mario Bros., to have made this one a full-length cartoon and called it a day. But instead, they thought it would be better if they converted Nintendo's benchmark title into a live-action film. The downfall behind that logic is by taking one look at the "plot" behind Super Mario Bros., you'll see that it looks like a one big psychedelic acid trip.

In the Super Mario Bros. game, there's two Italian plumbers from Brooklyn who get transported through plumbing pipes to a far away kingdom inhabited by mushroom people and are called upon to save a princess from a massive turtle-like creature. Also, said plumbers can grow to larger size by ingesting mushrooms and achieve temporary invincibility by touching stars with eyeballs.

Now that's a helluva lot of stuff to digest for an average moviegoer, but Hollywood Pictures made things even worse by taking the game's "plot" and other references from the series and sticking it in a blender. I would love to see the look of Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo's faces when the studio pitched their version of Super Mario Bros. to them.

Interesting Fact: In order to make it through filming, Hoskins and Leguizamo would get drunk before they went to work. Hey, I'd probably do the same thing too if I was put in that situation.


1. The Honeymooners (2005)



Seriously, what the fuck. As a fan of the original Honeymooners sitcom, this blasphemy makes me question if God truly exists. So move over Julia Sweeny, I'm starting my own one-man atheist show.

The biggest problem about this half-baked adaptation is Cedric the Entertainer plays the role of Ralph Krandem who should and only be played by the legendary Jackie Gleason. Cedric the Entertainer is neither funny or entertaining, so I don't how he's been living his lie for such a long time with his title.

The douchebag who directed this, John Schultz, had his first big break by directing "The Making of Jurassic Park". Think about it; if you're head of a movie company and go after a guy who directed a movie about the making of someone else's movie, you've just shown you don't give two shits about the project.

Another asinine thing about this whole disaster was that in order to recapture the charm of 1950s Queens, NY, Paramount Pictures decided it made sense to film on location in Ireland. Yes, Ireland. Reminds me of that time they filmed Scott of the Antarctic at the beach. I'm sure Paramount feared that if they filmed the Honeymooners movie in the States and word got out on the streets; there would be a riot on our hands.

The funny thing about this giant piece of shit movie is if you strip away any reference to The Honeymooners, it would probably be the dullest comedy ever made. Also, most comedies that's suppose to be geared towards black people (in truth, mostly white people enjoy it more) usually fall flat on their face, and this one is no exception. Well, no matter what race, religion, or complexion you are, you'll find this movie to be not funny at all.