My beef with this entire poll is most people pick out sappy crap like "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" or some shit about angels. Hell, if you're a white trash skinhead, 9 times out of 10 you'll say "Cemetery Gates" to be your song.
Enough with this melancholy folks; it's time to lighten up funerals. If I was going to pick a song to be played at my funeral, I'd choose something that's not only entertaining, but serve as a reminder that death can be pretty damn funny too. Also, I'd definitely pick something that matches the cause of death.
Here are a couple of songs to use in certain scenarios which your loved ones won't find you to be a gigantic tool while in death.
1. "Under the Sea" - From the motion picture The Little Mermaid
Use for: Drowning
This one works well if you got kids. If you're the type of parent who always puts things lightly with your kids like using the "Birds 'n Bees" talk for sex, this one will work like a charm. Don't worry if your spouse has to explain to your kids that daddy lost his job, got shitfaced, and drove his car into the lake. She can tell them you're taking a indefinite vacation in the sea to hang out with Ariel, Flounder, and all the other lovable characters from Little Mermaid. You know what they say, "Let Disney do the sugarcoating for you."
2. "Rock 'n Roll McDonald's" - Wesley Willis
Use for: Health problems associated with obesity.
People will literally see it come a mile away. No one will be shocked to learn about your fatal heart attack because your fat ass goes to Arby's, KFC, Burger King, and Taco Bell on a daily basis. It's pretty much a given they'll be laughing at your lard ball carcass during the funeral, so why not laugh with them? "Rock 'n Roll McDonald's" sets the mood right as everyone will boogey down to the music and forget about that time you accidentally sat on and killed your grandma's poodle. Another good thing about "Rock 'n McDonald's" is that the late Wesley Willis reminds us about the fatty Big Macs and Quarter Pounders to serve as a warning for all you other obese people out there to stay away from the fast food joints.
3. "I Believe I Can Fly" - R. Kelly
Use for: Plane/helicopter crash
I've always been told that I should remain optimistic. Perhaps that drunken pilot can get us to our destination! Perhaps we can fly through that Category-5 hurricane! Perhaps we can fly that helicopter without a license! What's the point being all negative about flying when you can sit back, relax, and enjoy that nosedive 20,000 feet to the ground?
4. "Electric Boogie" - Marcia Griffiths
Use for: Struck by lightning, electrocution
This one applies a little bit more for lightning victims, but hey, let's throw in people killed by all types of electrocution as well.
Scientists say the odds of getting struck by lightning are about half a million-to-one. So basically, if you get killed during a lightning storm, you might consider you just won the lottery! Everyone celebrates when someone wins the lotto, so why let your family and friend party away at your funeral after you have struck it rich. Now let's do the Electric Slide!
5. "Pour Some Sugar On Me" - Def Leppard
Use for: Complications from diabetes
Diabetes sure suck. Go ask Wilford Brimley. No wonder he looks pissed off whenever he hawks insulin needles. You'd be sore too if you had to jab yourself every day with a pointy needle. So why not when the diabetes takes its toll and everyone's at your funeral, you show them what kind of torture you had to endure with diabetes. Well, I think "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is a crappy song. That should be torture enough for everyone else listening to it.
6. "Shake" - Sam Cooke
Use for: Parkinson's Disease/Shaken Baby Syndrome
There's actually two options you can use this classic Sam Cooke hit to be used at a funeral. First, if you happen to be on the same boat as Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali (and lord knows that boat be-a-rockin'), you shouldn't have to look at all that excessive shaking to be a negative. Michael J. Fox and television networks wants you to think you should be all mopey and emo that you caught Parkinson's and need to cough up money to them to find a cure for Parkinson's Disease. I say "screw that". There are plenty of things you can do with Parkinson's for your advantage. You can dominate the dance floor in dance competitions, be the world's best maraca player, make the best damn martinis, and so on. Let your friends and family at your funeral know Parkinson's wasn't a debilitating handicap that everyone else claims to be and spread the joy.
Meanwhile, 99.9% of the times a baby dies from shaken baby syndrome is usually the result of a babysitter trying to get the kid to shut up. The other .1% is Michael J. Fox holding a baby, so you're pretty much screwed from getting your ass hauled to jail. BUT WAIT! There is hope by using Sam Cooke's song as your alibi. Crank "Shake" up at the funeral and show that the song's pretty damn addicting and you can loose yourself to the music by grabbing a nearby infant and shaking it like a tambourine.
7. "That Smell" - Lynyrd Skynyrd
Use for: Carbon Monoxide Poisoning
It's not just the irony that is great, but this will especially work like a glove if you ever want to get back at your enemies who happen to ignore those fire safety classes at school. It wasn't your fault you forgot to buy yourself a carbon monoxide detector, but hopefully your bitter rivals will hear the tune during your funeral and presume its a warning that you gotta watch out for the smell in detecting CO2.
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