Top 10 Musical Fiascos of the 90's

Looking back at the 1990's, there was quite a variety of music to listen to during that decade.  There were genres like grunge, gangsta rap, nu-metal, boy band pop, teenie bopper pop, smooth jazz, alternative rock, techno, and so much more.  It wasn't hard to find your cup of tea depending on what kind of music you listened to.

But no matter the decade, you always have the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to music.  Of course with this being List Hell, we're gonna focus on the bad and the ugly of 90's music.  Disastrous concerts, annoying hit singles, horrible albums; there was no shortage of crap hitting the fan in the 1990's. 



10. Blaze Bayley and Tim "Ripper" Owens

 

The 1990's was an interesting decade for heavy metal to say the least.  Thrash metal bands of the 80's like Slayer, Exodus, Megadeth, and Anthrax were taking the backseat to nu-metal acts like Korn, Tool, Coal Chamber, and Deftones.  Meanwhile, legendary metal band Black Sabbath finally reunited with its original lineup (Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, and Bill Ward) in the 90's.  However, both Judas Priest and Iron Maiden took a hit that decade when their popular singers, Rob Halford and Bruce Dickinson respectively, left their bands.

Replacing Halford and Dickinson was no easy task for Iron Maiden and Judas Priest.  Whomever the bands chose to replace the vocalists had pretty big shoes to fill.  Talk to any heavy metal fan and they will most likely tell you that Judas Priest and Iron Maiden are the biggest names in metal music and undoubtedly the most influential just like Black Sabbath.  Halford sang in many of Judas Priest's best albums like Screaming For Vengeance, Stained Class, and British Steel while Dickinson has appeared in Iron Maiden's best such as The Number of the Beast, Powerslave, and Somewhere In Time.  

Iron Maiden was able to find Dickinson's replacement with one Blaze Bayley in 1994.  To give Bayley credit, he did perform in another metal band called Wolfsbane where he gained a decent reputation as a metal vocalist.  Meanwhile, Judas Priest was able to find Halford's replacement with Tim "Ripper" Owens.  The funny thing about Owens is that he was the lead singer of a Judas Priest tribute band before joining the very real Judas Priest.  In fact, he was the inspiration for the 2001 movie "Rock Star" starring "Marky" Mark Wahlberg as the movie featured the same route Owens went through in becoming a member of Judas Priest.

Now, were Bayley and Owens horrible vocalists?  Not at all.  Some say both singers were quite extraordinary singers to begin with.  However, business wise, they brought financial down ruin for their respective bands.  Iron Maiden saw their lowest selling album of all time with Blaze Bayley handling vocals while Judas Priest were dropped by their longtime label, Sony Records, while Owens was their vocalist.

Ultimately, both bands let go Bayley and Owens and brought back Dickinson and Halford.  With the classic vocalists back, both Iron Maiden and Judas Priest regained their positions as the leading heavy metal bands in the planet.  Bayley resorted to starting his own solo band and has found mild success on his own.  Meanwhile, Owens was tapped to be the lead singer of Iced Earth after longtime vocalist Matt Barlow left the band.  Ironically, Barlow returned to Iced Earth and Owens was kicked to the curb just like when Halford returned to Judas Priest.  

Again, I do not consider the singing quality of Blaze Bayley and Tim "Ripper" Owens to be musical fiascos.  However, as replacements to perhaps the most popular heavy metal singers of all time, they were definitely musical fiascos from a business perspective.   
  

9. The Macarena 

If you suffered from earworm back in the 90's, there was a good chance this unfortunate song would be playing in your head over and over again.

Like with other dance crazes such as the Electric Slide and Locomotion, the Macarena appeared out of the blue and everyone -- and I mean everyone -- started to do the Macarena.  One thing you probably didn't know about the "Macarena"; when it debuted in the U.S., the song was actually a remix when it first arrived here.  Originally, "Macarena" was just a plain rumba song that was all for fun and games when Los del Rio introduced the song to a dance party in Venezuela.  

However, shit hit the fan when someone thought it would be a great idea to bring that song to an international crowd.  From there, the "Macarena" song was remixed by one-hit wonder Bayside Boys and that's how we ended up with the "Macarena" polluting the entire nation.  Good lord, I cannot tell you how many times I was instructed how to do the Macarena dance during the mid 90's.  While the Macarena dance is not as popular these days, it should be no surprise why the song and dance were ranked as the number one "One-Hit Wonder" of all time.


8. Michael Bolton 

 
If there's one thing I can clearly remember about the early 90's (1990-1993) is that it was pretty cheesy and corny like Fritos in cheese dip.  Reason why?  People started to get into "soft rock" a.k.a. pussy rock.

For some reason I cannot fully grasp, soft rock was all the rage during the early 90's.  Singers like Phil Collins and Sting ditched their bands to capitalize on swooning hipsters and soccer moms during those time in order to cash in on the soft rock craze.  But there was no "greater" musician than Michael Bolton who enslaved the world with a form of rock music that would make kids musician Raffi seem like Slayer.

Believe or not, Michael Bolton was pretty damn popular in the early 90's.  Don't believe me?  Consider the fact he won Grammy awards as Best Pop Male Vocal Performance in the 90's.  That's right; he was considered the most popular vocalist in the world according to Grammy judges in the early 90's.  

Trust me folks; I know people say time does not age well for certain individuals, but in Michael Bolton's case, it's a god damn fiasco when the years go by listening to Michael Bolton's music.



7. Joey Lawrence - "Nothing My Love Can't Fix"

 
SPEAKING of early 90's corniness, our good friend Joey Lawrence was just as bad.  What?  You don't remember Joey Lawrence?  Well all you got to remember about him is he was the dope on the TV show "Blossom" who said "Whoa" like a million times.

During the early 90's, it was not uncommon for sitcom actors to pretend they were big time rock stars.  Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) on Full House was a major rock star while Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) dreamed of forming his own band on Saved By the Bell.  However, Jesse Lawrence, as Jesse Russo on Blossom, took it a step further by not only pretending to be a rock star on a TV show, but made an actual music CD under his real name.

 
It should be no surprise that Joey...err, Joseph as he wants to be called these days, looks like this today:

So Mr. Lawrence; did your love fix whatever it was suppose to?

6. Hootie & the Blowfish

One thing is for certain: Hootie does blow.  While some people say they're one of the best rock/alternative bands of the 1990's; there's no denying Hootie & the Blowfish are flatout corny as hell.

Look folks, I got nothing against an African-American fronting a rock/alternative band.  But when you make the band so obnoxiously bad while other rock bands with African-American frontmen (Living Colour, Jimi Hendirx, and Fishbone) have done it way much better, you know Hootie & the Blowfish sucks.  In fact, you know you band have become a complete joke when your lead man, Darius Rucker, is now doing commercials for Burger King as a country singer who's trying to hawk the chain's new chicken sandwich.

5. Michael Jackson's "Ghost" Music Video

Most Michael Jackson fans agree his "Thriller" music video was hands down the best music video ever produced in the 80's.  But in the 90's, Jackson wanted lightning to strike twice when he teamed up with creepy bastard/author Stephen King to make the music video for "Ghosts".   Unfortunately for Jacko, this Ghosts project wound up to be a big time failure.

For one thing, it's quite obvious Jackson wanted to make this the second coming of his famous "Thriller" music video.  Yes it's extraordinarily long, yes it features the most popular pop singer of all time, yes it has a horror theme to it; but it was by no means the second-coming of Thriller.  I don't think it helped Michael Jackson while dealing with his molestation trial when his music video was all about preteen boys who's wildly fascinated with Wacko Jacko.  Why Jackson had to spend a ton of money for special effects and makeup for "Ghosts" is beyond me when all he needs is just his "natural" look since he already looked like a freak.  Also, there's something eerily ironic about Michael Jackson dressing up as a white, fat, old man for the music video because with his conversion of being a black man to a white one, it's like he was fulfilling a lifelong dream.     

4. Vanilla Ice

Oh dear...this is rather unfortunate.  Not only did Vanilla Ice give white people a bad name in the 90's, but also for the entire human race.

Believe it or not, as a white boy who wanted to rap, he actually opened for N.W.A., MC Hammer, and 2 Live Crew before he made it big.  Even more crazy, his early career mirrored the same of an actual rapper when he was stabbed outside a night club and managed to get signed to a major record contract while in the hospital.  That's pretty damn impressive if you ask me, but for the rest of the sane world, seeing Vanilla Ice roll with his posse was like seeing the biggest wigger in the world pretending to be the best rapper in the world.

I'm guessing we were pretty dumb back then to allow Vanilla Ice to make such an impact in the music industry.  Throughout the early 90's, Vanilla Ice managed to score multiple platinum-selling albums, his own movie, and had his own merchandising blitz no one would have dreamed of.  Also, Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" was notorious of sampling music from Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure".  While the practice of rappers sampling lines from other rock musicians like 2 Live Krew sampling Bruce Springsteen for "Banned in the U.S.A." and Puff Daddy sampling The Police with "I'll Be Missing You", Vanilla Ice became the whipping boy for such practices.  White rappers like Eminem still manage to be a big fuckin' deal, but seeing Vanilla Ice to make it top of the world in the 90's is like witnessing the "Why did the chicken cross the road" joke being first told.
    

3. Rock and Rap Collaborations

Rock and rap musicians collaborating with each other wasn't brand new in the 90's.  In fact, Aerosmith and Run DMC did it first in 1986 when the two joined forces to remake Aerosmith's hit song, "Walk This Way", from the 70's.  But during the 90's, mixing rock and rap was like putting dogs and cats together.  In order to make amends between the two genres, music execs thought it would be a cute idea to mesh rap and rock into one opus rockus.  Therefore, we wound up with "delightful" mixups like this one with Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin.

Let's be honest; seeing rockers and rappers work together was like seeing Israelis and Palestinians coexisting with each other.  They absolutely had no business being in the same room.  Yet, throughout the 90's, we've seen countless rock and rap collaborations.  There have been instances where Ozzy Osbourne and Busta Rhymes dropped beats together,  Black Sabbath learning Wu-Tang Clan ain't nottin' to fuck with, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails laying down some tracks for the late Biggie Smalls, and Anthrax going full gangsta with Public Enemy.  I'm guessing during those years people didn't mind to such collaborations, but with today's society, it's flat out repulsive to see Ozzy Osbourne to hang out with Lil' John in remixing "Crazy Train" with "YEAH!" thrown into the mix. 



2. Milli Vanilli 

You just can't have a list about musical atrocities of the 1990's without Milli Vanilli.  If you don't remember or weren't around when Milli Vanilli became notorious in music lore, let's just say they were the classic example of "never mind the man behind the curtain" in pop music.

Those two guys you see in the picture?  They had no part in the multi-platinum selling album that made Milli Vanilli famous and earned them a Grammy award.  Their only purpose in Milli Vanilli was for stage looks.  The actual people to sing on the Girl You Know It's True record were these guys:

That's right; Milli Vanilli was mostly Brad Howell and John Davis.  If I didn't know any better, I think the reason why they didn't appear and were replaced by Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan as the face of Milli Vanilli was because of looks.  I don't think the public would be inclined to boost Milli Vanilli to stardom if your group consists of middle-aged men and one of them is overweight, sporting a hideous jheri curl, and wears glasses.

So what happened that the jig was up for Milli Vanilli?  It started back when they were doing a concert at Lake Compounce Theme Park in Connecticut.  Now hold on a minute, an amusement park doesn't necessarily sound like the appropriate venue for a wildly popular band at the time.  It probably makes a lot of sense for Milli Vanilli if this was today, but to say they were performing in front of a crowd at a theme park in 1990 would be like saying Rihanna performing live at Splish Splash Water Kingdom or Taylor Swift playing a concert at Uncle Moe's County Fairgrounds.  Anyway, Milli Vanilli were "performing" when all of a sudden, the tape got stuck and the lyrics "Girl you know it's" kept playing over and over again while Pilatus and Morvan looked like deer in headlights and danced away to the looping track.  While this incident was well-documented in Milli Vanilli's downfall, this wasn't the moment where things headed south big time for the Germans.

That particular moment would occur when one of the lip-synching Milli Vanilli members proclaimed the band as the "next Elvis" and were more talented than Mick Jagger, Bob Dylan, and Paul McCartney in a Time magazine interview.  Shortly after, one of the real Milli Vanilli singers went to the press to reveal that Pilatus and Morvan were frauds and they were the real singers behind the band.  The backlash was immediate and the pressure had gotten too much for our lip-synching duo that they finally broke and spilled the beans.  After their revelation, Milli Vanilli was stripped of their Grammy, dropped by their record label, and all further printing of their hit Girl You Know It's True album was halted.  The biggest kick in the balls to Milli Vanilli came when their record label, Arista Records and BMG Music Group, agreed to an out-of-court settlement as fans were entitled to refunds if they purchased the Girl You Know It's True album and any of their live concerts (including the infamous Lake Compounce show).  Overall, approximately 10 million people were eligible for a refund because of Milli Vanilli.

You know, I think that number should've increased by another million since Milli Vanilli was hanging out with Mario on the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon...

I'm certain Princess Peach went ballistic when she heard the news and demanded her coins back.         

1. Woodstock '99 

The original Woodstock music festival in 1969 was clearly the most influential music event that took place in modern music.  It was three days of peace, love, and good ol' rock music in upstate New York in August of '69.  Anyway, take a look at the lineup for the original Woodstock event.

Jimi Hendrix, The Who, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills & Nash, Neil Young, Santana, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Grateful Dead, Sly & the Family Stone, Jefferson Airplane, The Band, Mountain, Johnny Winter, Sha-Na-Na, Blood Sweat & Tears, Joe Cocker, Joan Baez, Country Joe McDonald, Canned Heat, The Incredible String Band, and more

30 years later, Woodstock would be brought back in 1999.  Was it the same three days of peace, love, and rock music?  Well, take a look at the lineup for the 1999 event.

Rage Against the Machine, Metallica, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Megadeth, Limp Bizkit, Korn, Insane Clown Posse, Bush, DMX, Lit, Buckcherry, The Offspring, Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock, Ice Cube, Los Lobos, Fatboy Slim, The Chemical Brothers, Creed, Godsmack, Sevendust, Jewel, Elvis Costello, Everlast, Dave Matthews Band, Jamiroquai, The Roots, James Brown, Wyclef Jean, Moby, Everclear, Alanis Morrisette, and more

Holy shit, what the hell happened?  We go from Hendrix, The Who, and Creedence Clearwater to Insane Clown Posse, Ice Cube, and L-Limp Bizkit?  Talk about the biggest antithesis in music history. 

While there have been Woodstock revivals before in 1989 and 1994, at least they were pretty much faithful to the original Woodstock event.  The 1999 Woodstock?  Not at all.  The problem was the generation of young people during the late 90's were living in the "MTV Generation".  The "MTV Generation" was corporate-fueled, loud and obnoxious, and kids were willing to spend money.  Comparing Woodstock '69 with Woodstock '99, the only common thing they shared was the name.  

With the original Woodstock in 1969, it was strictly an all-rock lineup, there was a rainy forecast that created mud fields at the venue, it was free to the public, and everyone had a good time.  Meanwhile, with Woodstock 1999, it was a varied lineup of rap, metal, techno, pop, and country bands, there was a heatwave with record temperatures reaching 100 degrees, it cost you an arm and a leg for tickets, and everyone had a miserable time.  The only plus side about Woodstock '99 is that the location was in Rome, NY where the original Woodstock festival was meant to be as the '69 event moved from the Rome location and took place a few miles away at Bethel, NY.  

The biggest problem with Woodstock '99 is that the corporate sponsors depraved all the soul of the original Woodstock festival and replaced it with 5-dollar water bottles, ATMs, and expensive merchandise.  If it wasn't obvious how ill-conceived Woodstock '99 was, consider the fact the festival ended with a riot where MTV crew members were forced to flee and there were reports of rape, arson, and assault that took place throughout the music fest.  I remember seeing Kurt Loder crapping his pants and made it seem like he was in Vietnam. 

As a kid just about to enter high school in summer of '99, I was fascinated by all the hoopla brought by the media blitz behind Woodstock '99.  I can remember listening to my local K-Rock station for coverage of the event and MTV hyping it up to be the greatest music concert of all time.  Now that I look back in 2012, I believe Woodstock 1999 is the biggest musical fiasco to occur in the 1990's.   

After what happened at Woodstock '99, I'm not surprised why most of the world hates Limp Bizkit.  Originally I thought they were just a "shits and giggles" rap metal band, but after hearing reports of rape and vandalism during their set at Woodstock '99, it's no wonder they're universally despised by most people today.  

   

Most Surreal Crossovers Ever

In comic book lore, crossovers are quite common.  Every now and then we would see Spider-Man teaming up with X-Men to take down an awesome threat or Superman pairing up with Batman to make every villains' lives miserable.  Hell, nowadays it's not uncommon to see the Marvel universe cross over into the DC universe.  

But outside the comic book medium, crossovers can range from the obvious (The Flintstones meets The Jetsons) to the absolutely bizarre (Gary Coleman prancing around with My Little Pony).  Today, we're going to focus on undoubtedly the most surreal crossovers where worlds literally collide.  I'm not talking about a simple Scooby Doo meets Three Stooges crossover.  These are the type of pair ups that will make you shit in your pants while you're watching in disbelief.

While there are plenty of fan fictions out there that has stuff like Harry Potter meeting Naruto, realize these crossovers are canon and kosher (well, mostly).

15. Howard Stern meets Billy West meets Conan O'Brien

Some of you may not recognize Billy West in person, but if I were to tell you that he is the voice of classic characters such as Ren & Stimpy, Nickelodeon's Doug, and Fry from Futurama, then you'll know how crazy this meeting of the minds was.

Most fans of the Howard Stern Radio Show will agree that the mid 90's was a great time to listen to the show thanks to Billy West's voice work as the "Jackie Puppet".

What the Jackie Puppet was all about is West's unrelenting egging on Stern show fixture Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling.  So when Conan stopped by the show in late 1994, the gang gave Conan a "farewell" party for Coco as he was rumored to be fired from his Late Night show and be replaced by Greg Kinnear (eerily similar to 2010 when he did get replaced).  As the interview went on, hearing West as the Jackie Puppet interact with Conan was simply hilarious.

For someone who grew up watching Ren & Stimpy and Doug as a kid on Nickelodeon, it makes it extra special hearing West riff on Conan O'Brien while all on the Howard Stern Radio Show.

14. Sting meets Robocop

 Now here's a crossover that would made more sense if it was some kid playing with his Sting action figure along with his Robocop action figure.  Crossovers aren't uncommon in wrestling as we've seen celebrities before mingle with wrestlers like when Mr. T teamed up with Hulk Hogan at the first Wrestlemania or recently when the Muppets invaded Monday Night Raw.  But when your special guest celebrity becomes a real integral part of the main event, you know shit's gonna hit the fan.

Back in 1990, WCW superstar Sting was embroiled in a battle with the Four Horsemen (led by Ric Flair).  So at Capital Combat '90 in Washington D.C., Sting was going bring some backup to take down the Horsemen.  Was it going to be the Steiner Brothers?  Lex Luger?  The Road Warriors?  No silly, he's got the Metal Man from Detroit, Robocop as his backup!

In the final segment of the PPV, the Four Horseman manage to capture Sting inside a "steel" cage while Robocop trots down the rampway.  After what seems like an eternity, Robocop finally comes to the aid of Sting by pulling off the cage door and the Four Horsemen cower away from the bag of bolts.  

OK, so the cage was actually made of rubber and if I'm not mistaken, it looks like OCP was broke at the time as Robocop's armor was now made of plastic.

13. "Bruce Lee" meets Popeye

China: the eternal land of bootleg where any surreal crossover is possible.  I've seen street vendors in Chinatown hawk bootleg Pokemon games that claim to have Pikachu fighting a T-Rex.   The words "copyright" and "licensed" are just as foreign to them as democracy.  There are plenty of bootleg movies out there in China that use copyrighted characters, but this one truly is a gem.


While the rest of the world mourned the untimely death of legendary martial artist Bruce Lee, it was business as usual for China as they brought in a Bruce Lee impersonator to star in a "Bruce Lee" movie.  Now this wasn't just any movie mind you.  Whoever directed "The Dragon Lives Again" wanted this one to be a blockbuster for the ages.  Hey, makes sense when the movie proclaims to be, I quote, "Dedicated to the Millions Who Love Bruce Lee".  In this film alone, we see "Bruce Lee" taking on Dracula, a Chinese Clint Eastwood, James Bond, a Chinese Michael Corleone from The Godfather, and many more.  It gets even better as Bruce Lee teams up with the ultimate sidekick, POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN

Well blow me down.  There is absolutely no denying this is the good ol' Popeye helping out the Dragon.  The trademark pipe whistle, the theme song, the spinach, the giggles; this was surely the American hero of a sailor man bringing down Dracula and the Mummy alongside Bruce Lee.  I don't know about you, but if you happen to find a copy of "The Dragon Lives Again", by all means get it.


12. Super Mario meets Sonic the Hedgehog

Now here's a case of "too little, too late".  

As a kid growing up in the 90's, it was a very interesting time to play video games.  On one hand, you had Nintendo with an iron grip on the video game market since the 1980's as an Italian plumber by the name of Mario was the face of the company.  On the other hand, Sega threw all its marbles down to go head on against Nintendo and brought out a hedgehog with attitude named Sonic to dethrone Mario and Nintendo's throne.  Mudslinging took place from both sides while both companies released new consoles throughout the 90s.  At one point, Sega seemed to have the upper hand thanks to Sonic's persona and a host of great games on the Genesis.  However, as time went by, there was no turning back for Nintendo as it gained the advantage by releasing the Super NES and Nintendo 64.  When it was all said and done, Nintendo crushed the competition and Sega eventually pulled out of the console market in 2001.

Shortly after Sega stopped making consoles, they switched gears and started making games for their once bitter rival, Nintendo.  In fact, one of their first games after they got out of the hardware market was a Sonic game for the Nintendo Gamecube.   By then, a Mario & Sonic game didn't seem out of the question and many game players were excited about the prospect.  Unfortunately, neither Nintendo or Sega capitalized on this as they waited about 7 years later to finally make a meeting of the video game mascots a reality.  So in late 2007, Nintendo's Mario and Sega's Sonic finally go head to head in....the Beijing Olympics???

It's true.  Nintendo and Sega decided it would be best for the two biggest names in video game crossover for the first time in a Nintendo Wii game that's all about the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing.  How crazy is that?  If you think about it, it's rather ironic Mario and Sonic meet each other in a game that deals with a sporting event in China because Lord knows there probably was a bootleg Mario and Sonic game already out there in the People's Republic.

Hey, as a consolation prize, you can relive your fanboyism by beating up Mario as Sonic or vice versa in Super Smash Bros. Brawl for the Wii.

 
11. Ozzy Osbourne meets The Muppets

  
If you know the Muppets, you know crossovers are nothing new to them.  Hell, The Muppet Show was all about crossovers.  During its run, Kermit and the gang have hosted a spectrum of celebrities such as Steve Martin, Vincent Price, Milton Berle, George Burns, Elton John, Peter Sellers, Bob Hope, Andy Warhol, Liberace, and much, much more.  More importantly, there was even a Star Wars and Muppets crossover when the cast from Star Wars (including Mark Hamill, R2-D2, and Chewbacca) all showed up on The Muppet Show.  For many, they would consider this to be quite a surreal crossover and possibly the biggest crossover in Muppet Show history, but I think differently.  One thing, Frank Oz was the brains behind The Muppet Show along with Jim Henson and also worked with George Lucas while playing Yoda in Star Wars.  So it wasn't necessarily a meeting out of the blue for them as Lucas probably wanted to do Oz a favor.

So what is the most surreal crossover the Muppets have ever encountered?  That would be a man who've never been on The Muppet Show, yet have met with the Muppets plenty of times -- "The Prince of Darkness" Ozzy Osbourne.

That's just insane listening to Ozzy singalong with the adorable Miss Piggy to Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild".  I'll betcha when Ozzy finally met the Muppets, he thought he came across his long lost relatives.  And why not?  People do mistake him for a muppet these days.  But what really makes Ozzy and Kermit's meeting much more important than the numerous celebrity appearances ever featured on the Muppet Show?  That's because the Ozzman and the Frog met the Queen of F'N England.

So take that Liberace and Andy Warhol.  It seems like Ozzy and the Muppets were meant for each other in a royal way.




10. Hulk Hogan meets Pokemon

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but seeing Hulk Hogan posing next to Pikachu makes it a million words.  

Just what the hell is going on here?  There's no mistaking that is the immortal Hulk Hogan donning a red Pokemon shirt while standing next to the cute and loveable Pikachu.  Plus, that Pikachu costume looks awfully official, so it's not like some random hobo dressed up in an Elmo costume looking for free publicity.  And if you look closely, you can see a giant Pikachu float in the background as it appears to be some Pokemon celebration going on.

So what the hell is going on?  Did Hogan bump his head and believes he's the best Pokemon trainer in the world?  Did Nintendo buy out the World Wrestling Entertainment and created the World Pokemon Wrestling Federation?

As the story goes, Nintendo was celebrating Pokemon's 10th anniversary with "THE BIGGEST PARTY OF THE DECADE" at New York City's Bryant Park in August 2006.  There were nerds and manchilds alike taking on each other in Pokemon tournaments, poor Pokemon NYC employees sweating their balls off wearing Pikachu and Mudkip costumes, and all the typical Pokemon fanfare and doodads.  Everything seemed to be just about ordinary as a typical fan convention until suddenly, the Immortal One showed up out of the fucking blue.

No Mildred; your eyes are not deceiving you.  Hulk Hogan appears at the Pokemon Party and chills with his buds Mudkip, Treecko, and the rest of the Pokemon gang.  In fact, once he gotten settled, Hogan got on stage and hosted the Pokemon National Championships.  But what really made Hulkster's meeting with Pokemon even more surreal is this:

 

  
Hogan cutting a Hulk-tacular promo on Pikachu????  I've seen plenty of Hulk Hogan promos before, but this has to be undoubtedly his greatest and finest promo ever.  By all means if I had to elect a president for the Pokemon Fan Club, he certainly gets my first-ballot vote.

9. Michael Jackson meets Webster meets Brooke Shields

When I first heard someone referencing Michael Jackson hanging out with Webster, I thought they were just making a joke about Jackson's molestation charges against young boys.  But as time went by, my curiosity took form and I had to look this up.  I simply typed in "Webster" and "Michael Jackson" in Google and lo and behold, this is what came up:

I couldn't believe it.  It's like my mind got raped seeing a picture of Michael Jackson cradling Webster in his arms like Bubbles the Monkey while Don King stands beside them.  No wonder people weren't surprised when they heard Jacko was allegedly molesting boys at his Never Land Ranch.  But just when you think things couldn't get any more bizarre, they actually do.  Apparently, Jackson and Ms. Brooke Shields had the hots for each other in the 80s; way before Brooke was Andre Agassi's bed notch and Michael shared the bed with Elvis' daughter and Macaulay Culkin.    

So when the 1984 Grammy Awards rolled right in, Michael was joined by Brooke Shields and Webster as they walked down the red carpet.  Hey, it looks like he needed a few extra hands that night as he went on to win a staggering 8 Grammys all because of Thriller.






8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles meet Power Rangers

I know what you're probably thinking, "Shouldn't this be way much higher on the list?"  By all means yes, but let me provide some background on this titanic meeting of childhood heroes.

Back in the late 80's, Mirage Studios unleashed the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon and took the world by storm.  Kids badgered parents to buy them TMNT toys, t-shirts, dolls, etc. as they faithfully watched every episode of the cartoon.  A couple of years later, Bandai pulled the trigger on bringing out Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers to the U.S. and took over TMNT's reign.  As years passed and the kids who grew up on TMNT and Power Rangers got older, the Ninja Turtles were seemingly dormant while Bandai/Saban kept bringing out spinoff after spinoff of the Power Rangers (such as Turbo, Rangers In Space, and Lightspeed Rescue).  

However, in 1998, Bandai/Saban brought back TMNT for a live-action TV show which was quite similar to Power Rangers.  Although it was short-lived, it gave Bandai enough time to create an ultimate meeting between the Turtles and Power Rangers during an episode of Power Rangers In Space.  Unfortunately, this crossover didn't really have much of an impact as it should have because most kids by then moved on to other things like Pokemon.  Plus, Bandai both had TMNT and Power Rangers in their pockets, so it was somewhat expected that this would occur.  Pity this didn't happen sooner because this epic crossover went largely unnoticed.  Should had this happened back when TMNT and Power Rangers were at the peak of their popularity and going head-to-head against each other, then an entire nation of kids would spaz the fuck out and undoubtedly would have been the most surreal crossover ever.

7. Ultimate Warrior meets Phil Collins

 
Even if you've taken all the drugs in the world, you would have not thought up a pairing so outrageous. Now that I think about it, this would make a very good anti-drug PSA as this will warn kids to stay away from drugs or you'll end up like them.


So how did this happen?  Did Phil Collins finally go apeshit insane and lost it?  Did Ultimate Warrior needed to make some extra cash and become Collins' personal dancing monkey?  Let's hop in the Wayback Machine to 1990 where both men were at the peak of their careers as Collins was wooing soccer moms before they were soccer moms with "Another Day In Paradise" while Ultimate Warrior was tearing shit up in WWF.


Collins was definitely on a roll in the late 80's to early 90's when he was topping charts everywhere with his album ...But Seriously.  So by 1990, NBC decided to throw away its money just to make a Phil Collins TV special.  It wasn't a one-hour special to promote a brand new Phil Collins album or a world tour.  NBC gave us an hour of Phil Collins because he's bleedin' Phil Collins.  Throughout the show, we get a whole list of A-list, have been, and never have been celebrities like John Travolta, Bruce Willis, Gilbert Gottfried, John Candy, Don Johnson, Vanessa Williams, Weird Al Yankovic, and a whole bunch more.  The concept of the show is that network execs have to come up with ideas using a TV show with Phil Collins to save a network from getting beat in the ratings every Saturday night.  That's funny, sounds like NBC in it's current state with Saturday Night Live sucking nowadays (just replace Phil Collins with any dopey celebrity).

So for an entire hour, we get Gilbert Gottfried screeching to Collins some ideas he got while Collins becomes as fruity as he can be as a blues singer, a hip-hop artist, and the bastard child of Elvis Presley.  But the real highlight of the show comes when we see Phil Collins dancing in probably the gayest wrestling attire ever along with the Ultimate Warrior.  And yes, Warrior is dancing merrily along as well.  A few seconds later, Warrior remembers that queerin' doesn't make the world go 'round and begins to demolish Collins in a squash match.  I should mention all of this occurs while in the tune of "Two Hearts".

  

6. Johnny Cash meets Oscar the Grouch

There have been a staggering number of celebrities that took a stroll through Sesame Street.  From the likes of James Earl Jones spouting out the alphabet to Rick Moranis enjoying airplane food with Ernie to Katy Perry shaking her maracas at Elmo to Ice-T droppin' beats with the Bird, it seems like Sesame Street is open to everyone.  However, the Man in Black is the last person I'd expect to stumble onto Sesame Street.

His unlikely presence was felt without warning one day on Sesame Street when he wakes up Oscar the Grouch by banging his guitar against his "house".  Immediately, Johnny and Oscar became BFFs as Johnny went on to sing about Nasty Dan which Oscar becomes memorized by Johnny's crooning.  Oh, never mind that this was suppose to be a show for kids, Cash would go on to sing that Nasty Dan would "jump for joy when a little boy would trip and fall" and went on to marry Nasty Pearl and had a nasty kid.  At the end of the song, Johnny goes on to tell Oscar to have a rotten day.


Despite Johnny pretty much telling kids to eat shit and die, Sesame Street was still open for business for the Man in Black as he went on to appear several more times on the show.

5. Gilligan meets The Harlem Globetrotters

Who would have thought that all the efforts of establishing peaceful race relations in the United States could be virtually erased in one fell swoop?  Never mind Martin Luther King's famous speech about dreaming of a nation where people of different color can get along.  We're set back 50 years in American race relations thanks to Gilligan and his gang pairing up with the Harlem Globetrotters.

Without a doubt, Gilligan has to be whitest man you'll ever meet.  He's got a dopey sailor's hat and red cardigan, plus he fucks everything up as humanely as possible.  I highly doubt Bob Denver could last at least 10 seconds moseying down the street in Harlem.  Luckily for the Globetrotters though, Gilligan and his mentally handicapped crew (yes, even the Professor who could build anything except a way off the island) managed to FINALLY get off the island and be saved.  But without bothering to see what the hell happened in the made-for-TV movies before the Harlem Globetrotters showed up, apparently the gang converted the deserted island into a destination resort and the host of Supermarket Sweep runs the joint.  

The clusterfuck train certainly runs on through as "The Harlem Globetrotters on Gilligan's Island" has some crazy and kooky storyline where Martin Landau and his wife are trying to take over the island by leading an army of basketball-playing robots.  But as if things couldn't possibly get even zanier, the NAACP implodes and race riots loom all over the nation as we are introduced to the first white members of the Harlem Globetrotters...Gilligan and the Skipper.

Somewhere, Jesse Jackson is howling in the wind.
 


4. Mickey Mouse meets Bugs Bunny

This ought to be the most unlikely pairing of animated icons.  On one hand, we have Disney's very own Mickey Mouse.  Undoubtedly the face of American capitalism, Mickey Mouse is Disney's poster mouse for wholesome good fun.  On the other hand, there is that wascally wabbit, Bugs Bunny, who's been raising hell to hunters, ducks, cowboys, and so on throughout his Looney Tunes career.  While Bugs may be a bit too hardcore for Mickey, it's kind of interesting to see how parallel how the Disney universe was with the Looney Tunes universe.


It would be a good 60 years before both universes finally collided in 1988 when Disney produced Who Framed Roger Rabbit? which was based off of Gary Wolf's Who Censored Roger Rabbit?  But don't thank Disney for managing to get Looney Tunes and Disney altogether (along with other toons like Droopy the Dog, Betty Boop, and Woody Woodpecker) for the film.  You can thank director and Indiana Jones rapist Steven Spielberg for getting them together.


But with this huge array of crossovers throughout the entire film like Daffy Duck and Donald Duck battling out on the piano, there's only one that truly matters and of course it involves Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny.

The lovable and grumpy Bob Hoskins had the privilege to be in the first ever scene with Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny, but something's not right.  I know Bugs is usually a jerk, but Mickey's a dick also?  C'mon Mickey, you know better.  It's amazing how spending a few seconds with someone can corrupt you. 






3. X-Men meets Star Trek

Now here's a shocker.  Having the X-Men team up with the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise sounds like something a 35 year old neckbeard who's bored on Sunday afternoon would come up with in his mom's basement.  Let me reiterate that all of the crossovers I've mentioned so far - with the exception of Bruce Lee/Popeye - involve all of the parties' intellectual property owners and is considered canon.  With that in mind, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Just how in the blue friggin' hell did Wolverine and Captain Kirk get tangled up with each other?"

Glad you asked.   Like most comic book crossovers that are flat out absurd, a rift in time and space causes the X-Men to enter the same universe as the Star Trek crew including Capt. Kirk, Spock, Bones, and Scotty.  The X-Men manage to get aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise, but shortly after, Spock shatters everyone's world and kicks Wolverine's ass with a Vulcan never pinch.

As a way to end hours and hours of debate by nerds and fanboys alike on whether Wolverine or Mr. Spock was the strongest, now we finally know that Spock makes Logan his bitch.  Even though we're given a nonsensical plot that bullshits its way on explaining how X-Men and Star Trek crossed over, I think the real reason we got this crossover is because of this:

 If this scene made you laugh uncontrollably, then by all means you are a nerd.  But hey, if you're more into Next Generation than the original Star Trek, there's something for you as well.

2. Archie meets The Punisher

Not in a million years would I have expected to see this crossover.  

Archie, the swooner of teenaged girls, is as American as apple pie and the bald eagle.  So when Marvel and Archie Comics came together to do a comic crossover, it would have been kind of easy to figure out who Archie would team up with.  Captain America would've been the obvious choice.  Having Capt. America and Archie in the same comic panel would have made Uncle Sam blush.  Heck, Spider-Man and Iron Man would have been great picks for Archie as well.  But out of all the characters within the Marvel universe, Archie got stuck with professional hitman Frank Castle aka The Punisher.  Jesus Archie, what the hell did you do to get Punisher on your back?!?!?

Before you can cry Archie raped Betty, you'll find out if you pick up a copy of "Archie Meets The Punisher" that it's all a case of "har-har-hardy-har-har" mistaken identity.  As you see, a notorious red-haired drug dealer by the name of "Red" makes his way to Riverdale.  With Archie the only other red-haired person in Riverdale, he's pretty much fucked when Punisher comes to town and spots Archie first.  I don't wanna spoil what happens next, but let's just say that with gay marriages and interracial love triangles going down in Archie nowadays, anything goes.

1. George Bush meets Cartoon All-Stars

 Now talk about a crossover for the ages.  We got a whole sha-bang-bang of 80's and 90's Saturday morning cartoons all in one place.  We got the Smurfs, Winnie the Pooh, Alvin & the Chipmunks, Muppet Babies, Garfield, Bugs Bunny, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, Daffy Duck, Duck Tales, and ALF all in one setting.  Now that's one hell of a crossover smorgasbord to digest.  But these guys aren't here today just to prance around in the sun and go on a picnic.  Today it's pretty darn serious.  They're here to talk to you about DRUGS.

Oh god damnit Bugs, not like that!!!

No, they're here to tell you NOT to do drugs.  So how in the world did we get all of our favorite cartoon characters get into a serious chat about not smoking or boozing up in the playground?  It's all because of this guy:

Our 41st President of the United States, George Herbert Walker Bush.  If you were a kid growing up in the 80's, you know that Ronald Reagen and the government wanted you kids out there to know that drugs were EVIL.  Disregard the fact drug dealers' target demographics aren't necessarily first graders, but the Reagen Administration wanted to use your taxpayer money to get Little Johnny and Little Suzie to put down that crack pipe and check into rehab.  So when Bush Senior came into office following Reagen, he continued to make the anti-drug movement his number one priority, but took it a step farther by calling upon the Muppet Babies and other popular cartoons at the time to get the message across.

So with the help of McDonalds, Kellogg's Cereals, and public *coughtaxpayercough* funding, Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue became reality in April 1990 and Saturday mornings were never the same again.



You know when the President is kicking things off for a special, you know this special is...well, special.  As George and Barbara opened the show, we're brought into a whole dramatic piece about this kid named Michael who smokes weed, drinks booze, and probably does a lil' coke here and there and the Cartoon All-Stars are called to action.  But as you're watching along, you begin to wonder if the All-Stars forgot this was an anti-drug cartoon or a pro-drug one.  

Don't lie to me.  We all know that Michelangelo is a notorious stoner along with Alf and Simon (how the hell Simon knows it's marijuana?) while I'm certain the Muppet Babies are avid users of LSD and ketamine in order to support their overactive imaginations.  Plus Tigger might as well be a coke fiend and Garfield has to be on downers.

So maybe Mr. Bush should do a little bit more homework on who to cast for an anti-drug special, but it's all for a good cause, right?  It's unfortunate Bush Sr. didn't do this earlier with Bush Jr. along with Fred Flintstone and Felix the Cat to get off that crackpipe.