The Top 20 "Best" Worst Halloween Costumes of 2019

Holy smokes, it's been over five years since my last blog?  I must correct this.

Halloween is usually a time most kids enjoy where they get to dress up in costumes and go to strangers' houses to get candy (or chips if they're cheap bastards) every October 31.  But once those strangers tell you you're too old to be trick-or-treating, you still dress up in costumes as an excuse to go drinking every October 31.  

Imagine - grown adults - still putting on costumes to validate drinking on a holiday they yearn to relive like a kid.  Not sure if booze is considered a good substitute for candy, but whatever rocks your boat as an adult.

Not to knock on the cosplay community, which I have much props for, but spending ridiculous amounts of money over a piece of clothing only to wear it perhaps once in your life seems a bit odd.  What makes it worse is paying extraordinary amounts for crappy costumes.

I'm sure you've seen Halloween stores pop up every September in your town, so you've probably heard of Spirit Halloween.  They've already assaulted Internet browsers with ads to buy their costumes.  I got to admit some of the costumes are pretty neat for the kids such as their dinosaur and super hero costumes.

If you owned a Dinosaurs Attack trading card, you know this kid is fucked.

But the most surprising thing about Spirit Halloween's website is there are more choices for adult costumes than there are for kids.  You would think Halloween should be more geared towards kids, but not in Spirit Halloween's eyes.  Well...so you would think.

The women's costumes are nothing more than sluts dressing up as whores and whores dressing up as sluts, but it's the men's selection that is rather intriguing.  You see, it's like Spirit Halloween wants to give you the hint that if you're a grown man, you shouldn't be dressing up on Halloween.  To bring that point home, Spirit not only made their men's costumes obnoxiously bad, but also chose the most obnoxiously bad models.  These douchebags must've gotten their certification in modeling from their local community college and could only find work modeling for an online Halloween catalog.

Some of their costumes are dorky, while there are others that are stupid.  But here we are going to show you some of their...well..."best" picks that will make you a true star of the show.

20. Astronaut

*kzzzz* Mission control, your chucklefuck brother is ready for liftoff *kzzzzz*

Yeah, definitely getting a liftoff from getting a swift kick to his ass.  I don't know why this guy is so friggin' happy to be in that inflatable costume.  Usually very large costumes like that is a sign for "please beat me up".  Its standard rule that if you're going to wear something absurdly large for Halloween, you will get punched, tackled, trampled, set on fire, assaulted, and so on.  Speaking of getting set on fire, Mr. Chucklefuck here will learn the hard way that inflatable costumes are VERY flammable, so don't flick that cigarette.  Better yet...do flick that cigarette towards his direction.

19. The Wizard from Where's Waldo

Looking like a methed-out wizard carrying a barber's pole is probably way down on the list for most wanted Halloween costume.  But dressing up as obscure characters from 30 year old children's book is even lower.  It's like the factory workers for Spirit Halloween ran out of ideas, so they did a "I'm Feeling Lucky" search on Google.  Why anyone would have a burning desire to dress up as the wizard from Where's Waldo is beyond me, but I'm sure you'll feel like a jackass just like this guy when you have to explain to every person you encounter who you're dressed up as.

18. Half-Assed Thor

If you were one of the kids whose parents were really dirt poor or just lazy to give you a decent Halloween costume, then this one is for you.  Relive your tragic childhood when dad was too busy drinking whisky and blowing his money on hookers while neglecting to buy your Halloween costume in time to go trick-or-treating.  That look on Johnny Schmuck's face says it all.  He wants you to take his hammer and bash his skull in to put him out of his misery as a manchild who still can't afford a decent Thor costume.

17. Light-Up Stick Figure

I'm guessing the original intention for this costume is to be some sort of neon-colored stick figure when the lights are turned off.  But considering this would only work if it was absolute pitch-dark, 99.9% of the time you'll look like a creepy-as-fuck Eastern European stalker who's on the prowl for young trick-or-treaters.

16. A Box of Wine

Congratulations!  Your son is a perverted alcoholic!  Did I also mention he's a complete dolt?

15. This is a Costume?

Did you really even attempt to buy a costume?  Because all I see is a $30 t-shirt with...I think...some really god-awful buzzword for sex.  Don't let that fake smug mug fool you.  You know this bastard is crying for help.  He wants the whole world to know that his whole entire modeling career has been riding on this gig with Spirit Halloween and the best he could do is wear a dopey t-shirt.  

14. Q*Bert

Q*Bert was already a sorry, little bastard, so let the whole world know you really are a sorry, little bastard by dressing up as him.  Thankfully this costume makes it easy to get punched in the gut as the hole where the mouth is makes it an extremely easy target.

13. Apu

Spirit Halloween should really subtitle this one, "Or That Simpsons Character Who's Not Politically Correct Anymore and Has Been Hiding in the Darkest Corner of Your Mind".  Every Simpsons fan is torn between seeing Apu as a lovable secondary character or horribly racist, but wearing this will win the argument for those against Apu.

12. A Yellow Shirt (???)

Nice try Spirit.  You thought you could pull a fast one on me by selling this as a "Despicable Me" Halloween t-shirt.  It's a god damned yellow t-shirt, do I really have to say more?

11. Breathalyzer

Lucas was a hit with the ladies when he wore this hilarious and sexy costume at the bar during Halloween.  His dreams were dashed before any of that could happen when a drunken hobo blew into his tube and Lucas contracted fatal herpes.

10. Pumpkin Shirt

Oh look, it's the same nimrod from #15.  He's at least starting to get idea of what a Halloween costume should be, but still fails miserably.  Perhaps this model was born and raised in a country where Halloween is considered satanic and this is the most extreme he could get?  In any case, all he's wearing is a shirt that reinforces his cry for help that yes he is a raging alcoholic and wants to suffocate his liver with vodka on Halloween.

9. The Grim Pedophile

Not sure what Spirit Halloween is trying to convey with this picture.  Is this suppose to be a towering Grim Reaper costume that terrifies children?  Or is this suppose to be the photographer's excuse to throw in a prepubescent girl to show the costume to scale?  In theory it would be cool to have a 10-foot tall Grim Reaper haunting the streets on Halloween.  However, the company wants to make sure that you'll be the creepiest and coolest pedophile on the block.

8. I Give Up

Oh fuck you too.

7. Questionably Racist Mexican

In today's politically correct world pushed to the extreme, anything that's remotely racist is a big fucking problem.  Sure, go ahead and be the life of the party at the frat/sorority house hoopla, but don't come crying to me if someone takes a snapshot of your costume and posts it on Twitter so that social justice warriors will bombard you with death threats.  Also, the costume itself sucks as you're paying $33 for just a blanket.

6. The Easter Bunny 

How cute, the Easter Bunny.  But it's the wrong holiday, asshole.

5. Colonel Sanders

Thanks to you millenials, I don't even know what irony is anymore.  Is the irony you're a rebel-rousing, young adult who hates corporate America but dresses up as a symbol of corporate America?  Is it you're a PETA member that's dressed up as a chicken murderer?  Or is the irony is that you're a walking, talking billboard of a Kentucky Fried Douchebag? 

4. Half-Assed Joker

It's one thing to half-ass dress up as a comic book character.  But it's another thing to half-ass dress up as a comic book character on purpose.  While you can blame DC Comics and Hollywood for not making up their minds on what Joker should look like, there's no excuses for this pathetic display that will more than certainly guarantee a dipshit beatdown.

3. The Tooth Fairy

Wife: "Honey, remember I told you to keep an eye on my father while sitting next to the lead paint chips?

Husband: "Yes."

Wife: "Look what you have done.  You are a terrible husband.  My father ate all the chips and has gone to the deep side.  Putting him in a nursing home is now out of the question.  We have to euthanize him.  

Husband: "My God, what have I done?"

2. Sonic the Impaired Hedgehog

If some of your friends (thankfully) haven't heard of DeviantArt yet, all you need to do is to wear this costume and tell them you're actually dressed up as the notorious website that hosts horrible, terrible artwork of cartoon characters performing weird fetishes.  Otherwise, it's just frightening to even think people really want to dress up as the hideous Sonic the Hedgehog from the new live-action movie.

1. Dragon Balls Man

I wouldn't even be able to tell you what exactly Dragon Ball Z is even if my life depended on it.  The only thing I know about this anime the kids in my class wouldn't stop yapping about is it's a cartoon geared for people who need a really long time to process a story.  In any case, here is a model dressed up as the character "Vegeta" with neon blue hair.  Not only is this model thinking how his life has come to this, but also wondering who the fuck he's suppose to be dressed up as.  Remember that Dragon Ball Z is a anime mostly geared for children 8 to 13, so not all adults will get the hint you're suppose to be a fabulously-dressed disaster.  No longer will you tell yourself, "Boy, do I feel silly," when you wear this costume.  You will now be telling yourself and others, "My life is a mess, please kill me."