Top 10 Musical Fiascos of the 90's

Looking back at the 1990's, there was quite a variety of music to listen to during that decade.  There were genres like grunge, gangsta rap, nu-metal, boy band pop, teenie bopper pop, smooth jazz, alternative rock, techno, and so much more.  It wasn't hard to find your cup of tea depending on what kind of music you listened to.

But no matter the decade, you always have the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to music.  Of course with this being List Hell, we're gonna focus on the bad and the ugly of 90's music.  Disastrous concerts, annoying hit singles, horrible albums; there was no shortage of crap hitting the fan in the 1990's. 



10. Blaze Bayley and Tim "Ripper" Owens

 

The 1990's was an interesting decade for heavy metal to say the least.  Thrash metal bands of the 80's like Slayer, Exodus, Megadeth, and Anthrax were taking the backseat to nu-metal acts like Korn, Tool, Coal Chamber, and Deftones.  Meanwhile, legendary metal band Black Sabbath finally reunited with its original lineup (Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler, and Bill Ward) in the 90's.  However, both Judas Priest and Iron Maiden took a hit that decade when their popular singers, Rob Halford and Bruce Dickinson respectively, left their bands.

Replacing Halford and Dickinson was no easy task for Iron Maiden and Judas Priest.  Whomever the bands chose to replace the vocalists had pretty big shoes to fill.  Talk to any heavy metal fan and they will most likely tell you that Judas Priest and Iron Maiden are the biggest names in metal music and undoubtedly the most influential just like Black Sabbath.  Halford sang in many of Judas Priest's best albums like Screaming For Vengeance, Stained Class, and British Steel while Dickinson has appeared in Iron Maiden's best such as The Number of the Beast, Powerslave, and Somewhere In Time.  

Iron Maiden was able to find Dickinson's replacement with one Blaze Bayley in 1994.  To give Bayley credit, he did perform in another metal band called Wolfsbane where he gained a decent reputation as a metal vocalist.  Meanwhile, Judas Priest was able to find Halford's replacement with Tim "Ripper" Owens.  The funny thing about Owens is that he was the lead singer of a Judas Priest tribute band before joining the very real Judas Priest.  In fact, he was the inspiration for the 2001 movie "Rock Star" starring "Marky" Mark Wahlberg as the movie featured the same route Owens went through in becoming a member of Judas Priest.

Now, were Bayley and Owens horrible vocalists?  Not at all.  Some say both singers were quite extraordinary singers to begin with.  However, business wise, they brought financial down ruin for their respective bands.  Iron Maiden saw their lowest selling album of all time with Blaze Bayley handling vocals while Judas Priest were dropped by their longtime label, Sony Records, while Owens was their vocalist.

Ultimately, both bands let go Bayley and Owens and brought back Dickinson and Halford.  With the classic vocalists back, both Iron Maiden and Judas Priest regained their positions as the leading heavy metal bands in the planet.  Bayley resorted to starting his own solo band and has found mild success on his own.  Meanwhile, Owens was tapped to be the lead singer of Iced Earth after longtime vocalist Matt Barlow left the band.  Ironically, Barlow returned to Iced Earth and Owens was kicked to the curb just like when Halford returned to Judas Priest.  

Again, I do not consider the singing quality of Blaze Bayley and Tim "Ripper" Owens to be musical fiascos.  However, as replacements to perhaps the most popular heavy metal singers of all time, they were definitely musical fiascos from a business perspective.   
  

9. The Macarena 

If you suffered from earworm back in the 90's, there was a good chance this unfortunate song would be playing in your head over and over again.

Like with other dance crazes such as the Electric Slide and Locomotion, the Macarena appeared out of the blue and everyone -- and I mean everyone -- started to do the Macarena.  One thing you probably didn't know about the "Macarena"; when it debuted in the U.S., the song was actually a remix when it first arrived here.  Originally, "Macarena" was just a plain rumba song that was all for fun and games when Los del Rio introduced the song to a dance party in Venezuela.  

However, shit hit the fan when someone thought it would be a great idea to bring that song to an international crowd.  From there, the "Macarena" song was remixed by one-hit wonder Bayside Boys and that's how we ended up with the "Macarena" polluting the entire nation.  Good lord, I cannot tell you how many times I was instructed how to do the Macarena dance during the mid 90's.  While the Macarena dance is not as popular these days, it should be no surprise why the song and dance were ranked as the number one "One-Hit Wonder" of all time.


8. Michael Bolton 

 
If there's one thing I can clearly remember about the early 90's (1990-1993) is that it was pretty cheesy and corny like Fritos in cheese dip.  Reason why?  People started to get into "soft rock" a.k.a. pussy rock.

For some reason I cannot fully grasp, soft rock was all the rage during the early 90's.  Singers like Phil Collins and Sting ditched their bands to capitalize on swooning hipsters and soccer moms during those time in order to cash in on the soft rock craze.  But there was no "greater" musician than Michael Bolton who enslaved the world with a form of rock music that would make kids musician Raffi seem like Slayer.

Believe or not, Michael Bolton was pretty damn popular in the early 90's.  Don't believe me?  Consider the fact he won Grammy awards as Best Pop Male Vocal Performance in the 90's.  That's right; he was considered the most popular vocalist in the world according to Grammy judges in the early 90's.  

Trust me folks; I know people say time does not age well for certain individuals, but in Michael Bolton's case, it's a god damn fiasco when the years go by listening to Michael Bolton's music.



7. Joey Lawrence - "Nothing My Love Can't Fix"

 
SPEAKING of early 90's corniness, our good friend Joey Lawrence was just as bad.  What?  You don't remember Joey Lawrence?  Well all you got to remember about him is he was the dope on the TV show "Blossom" who said "Whoa" like a million times.

During the early 90's, it was not uncommon for sitcom actors to pretend they were big time rock stars.  Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) on Full House was a major rock star while Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) dreamed of forming his own band on Saved By the Bell.  However, Jesse Lawrence, as Jesse Russo on Blossom, took it a step further by not only pretending to be a rock star on a TV show, but made an actual music CD under his real name.

 
It should be no surprise that Joey...err, Joseph as he wants to be called these days, looks like this today:

So Mr. Lawrence; did your love fix whatever it was suppose to?

6. Hootie & the Blowfish

One thing is for certain: Hootie does blow.  While some people say they're one of the best rock/alternative bands of the 1990's; there's no denying Hootie & the Blowfish are flatout corny as hell.

Look folks, I got nothing against an African-American fronting a rock/alternative band.  But when you make the band so obnoxiously bad while other rock bands with African-American frontmen (Living Colour, Jimi Hendirx, and Fishbone) have done it way much better, you know Hootie & the Blowfish sucks.  In fact, you know you band have become a complete joke when your lead man, Darius Rucker, is now doing commercials for Burger King as a country singer who's trying to hawk the chain's new chicken sandwich.

5. Michael Jackson's "Ghost" Music Video

Most Michael Jackson fans agree his "Thriller" music video was hands down the best music video ever produced in the 80's.  But in the 90's, Jackson wanted lightning to strike twice when he teamed up with creepy bastard/author Stephen King to make the music video for "Ghosts".   Unfortunately for Jacko, this Ghosts project wound up to be a big time failure.

For one thing, it's quite obvious Jackson wanted to make this the second coming of his famous "Thriller" music video.  Yes it's extraordinarily long, yes it features the most popular pop singer of all time, yes it has a horror theme to it; but it was by no means the second-coming of Thriller.  I don't think it helped Michael Jackson while dealing with his molestation trial when his music video was all about preteen boys who's wildly fascinated with Wacko Jacko.  Why Jackson had to spend a ton of money for special effects and makeup for "Ghosts" is beyond me when all he needs is just his "natural" look since he already looked like a freak.  Also, there's something eerily ironic about Michael Jackson dressing up as a white, fat, old man for the music video because with his conversion of being a black man to a white one, it's like he was fulfilling a lifelong dream.     

4. Vanilla Ice

Oh dear...this is rather unfortunate.  Not only did Vanilla Ice give white people a bad name in the 90's, but also for the entire human race.

Believe it or not, as a white boy who wanted to rap, he actually opened for N.W.A., MC Hammer, and 2 Live Crew before he made it big.  Even more crazy, his early career mirrored the same of an actual rapper when he was stabbed outside a night club and managed to get signed to a major record contract while in the hospital.  That's pretty damn impressive if you ask me, but for the rest of the sane world, seeing Vanilla Ice roll with his posse was like seeing the biggest wigger in the world pretending to be the best rapper in the world.

I'm guessing we were pretty dumb back then to allow Vanilla Ice to make such an impact in the music industry.  Throughout the early 90's, Vanilla Ice managed to score multiple platinum-selling albums, his own movie, and had his own merchandising blitz no one would have dreamed of.  Also, Vanilla Ice's "Ice Ice Baby" was notorious of sampling music from Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure".  While the practice of rappers sampling lines from other rock musicians like 2 Live Krew sampling Bruce Springsteen for "Banned in the U.S.A." and Puff Daddy sampling The Police with "I'll Be Missing You", Vanilla Ice became the whipping boy for such practices.  White rappers like Eminem still manage to be a big fuckin' deal, but seeing Vanilla Ice to make it top of the world in the 90's is like witnessing the "Why did the chicken cross the road" joke being first told.
    

3. Rock and Rap Collaborations

Rock and rap musicians collaborating with each other wasn't brand new in the 90's.  In fact, Aerosmith and Run DMC did it first in 1986 when the two joined forces to remake Aerosmith's hit song, "Walk This Way", from the 70's.  But during the 90's, mixing rock and rap was like putting dogs and cats together.  In order to make amends between the two genres, music execs thought it would be a cute idea to mesh rap and rock into one opus rockus.  Therefore, we wound up with "delightful" mixups like this one with Puff Daddy and Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin.

Let's be honest; seeing rockers and rappers work together was like seeing Israelis and Palestinians coexisting with each other.  They absolutely had no business being in the same room.  Yet, throughout the 90's, we've seen countless rock and rap collaborations.  There have been instances where Ozzy Osbourne and Busta Rhymes dropped beats together,  Black Sabbath learning Wu-Tang Clan ain't nottin' to fuck with, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails laying down some tracks for the late Biggie Smalls, and Anthrax going full gangsta with Public Enemy.  I'm guessing during those years people didn't mind to such collaborations, but with today's society, it's flat out repulsive to see Ozzy Osbourne to hang out with Lil' John in remixing "Crazy Train" with "YEAH!" thrown into the mix. 



2. Milli Vanilli 

You just can't have a list about musical atrocities of the 1990's without Milli Vanilli.  If you don't remember or weren't around when Milli Vanilli became notorious in music lore, let's just say they were the classic example of "never mind the man behind the curtain" in pop music.

Those two guys you see in the picture?  They had no part in the multi-platinum selling album that made Milli Vanilli famous and earned them a Grammy award.  Their only purpose in Milli Vanilli was for stage looks.  The actual people to sing on the Girl You Know It's True record were these guys:

That's right; Milli Vanilli was mostly Brad Howell and John Davis.  If I didn't know any better, I think the reason why they didn't appear and were replaced by Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan as the face of Milli Vanilli was because of looks.  I don't think the public would be inclined to boost Milli Vanilli to stardom if your group consists of middle-aged men and one of them is overweight, sporting a hideous jheri curl, and wears glasses.

So what happened that the jig was up for Milli Vanilli?  It started back when they were doing a concert at Lake Compounce Theme Park in Connecticut.  Now hold on a minute, an amusement park doesn't necessarily sound like the appropriate venue for a wildly popular band at the time.  It probably makes a lot of sense for Milli Vanilli if this was today, but to say they were performing in front of a crowd at a theme park in 1990 would be like saying Rihanna performing live at Splish Splash Water Kingdom or Taylor Swift playing a concert at Uncle Moe's County Fairgrounds.  Anyway, Milli Vanilli were "performing" when all of a sudden, the tape got stuck and the lyrics "Girl you know it's" kept playing over and over again while Pilatus and Morvan looked like deer in headlights and danced away to the looping track.  While this incident was well-documented in Milli Vanilli's downfall, this wasn't the moment where things headed south big time for the Germans.

That particular moment would occur when one of the lip-synching Milli Vanilli members proclaimed the band as the "next Elvis" and were more talented than Mick Jagger, Bob Dylan, and Paul McCartney in a Time magazine interview.  Shortly after, one of the real Milli Vanilli singers went to the press to reveal that Pilatus and Morvan were frauds and they were the real singers behind the band.  The backlash was immediate and the pressure had gotten too much for our lip-synching duo that they finally broke and spilled the beans.  After their revelation, Milli Vanilli was stripped of their Grammy, dropped by their record label, and all further printing of their hit Girl You Know It's True album was halted.  The biggest kick in the balls to Milli Vanilli came when their record label, Arista Records and BMG Music Group, agreed to an out-of-court settlement as fans were entitled to refunds if they purchased the Girl You Know It's True album and any of their live concerts (including the infamous Lake Compounce show).  Overall, approximately 10 million people were eligible for a refund because of Milli Vanilli.

You know, I think that number should've increased by another million since Milli Vanilli was hanging out with Mario on the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon...

I'm certain Princess Peach went ballistic when she heard the news and demanded her coins back.         

1. Woodstock '99 

The original Woodstock music festival in 1969 was clearly the most influential music event that took place in modern music.  It was three days of peace, love, and good ol' rock music in upstate New York in August of '69.  Anyway, take a look at the lineup for the original Woodstock event.

Jimi Hendrix, The Who, Janis Joplin, Crosby Stills & Nash, Neil Young, Santana, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Grateful Dead, Sly & the Family Stone, Jefferson Airplane, The Band, Mountain, Johnny Winter, Sha-Na-Na, Blood Sweat & Tears, Joe Cocker, Joan Baez, Country Joe McDonald, Canned Heat, The Incredible String Band, and more

30 years later, Woodstock would be brought back in 1999.  Was it the same three days of peace, love, and rock music?  Well, take a look at the lineup for the 1999 event.

Rage Against the Machine, Metallica, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Megadeth, Limp Bizkit, Korn, Insane Clown Posse, Bush, DMX, Lit, Buckcherry, The Offspring, Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock, Ice Cube, Los Lobos, Fatboy Slim, The Chemical Brothers, Creed, Godsmack, Sevendust, Jewel, Elvis Costello, Everlast, Dave Matthews Band, Jamiroquai, The Roots, James Brown, Wyclef Jean, Moby, Everclear, Alanis Morrisette, and more

Holy shit, what the hell happened?  We go from Hendrix, The Who, and Creedence Clearwater to Insane Clown Posse, Ice Cube, and L-Limp Bizkit?  Talk about the biggest antithesis in music history. 

While there have been Woodstock revivals before in 1989 and 1994, at least they were pretty much faithful to the original Woodstock event.  The 1999 Woodstock?  Not at all.  The problem was the generation of young people during the late 90's were living in the "MTV Generation".  The "MTV Generation" was corporate-fueled, loud and obnoxious, and kids were willing to spend money.  Comparing Woodstock '69 with Woodstock '99, the only common thing they shared was the name.  

With the original Woodstock in 1969, it was strictly an all-rock lineup, there was a rainy forecast that created mud fields at the venue, it was free to the public, and everyone had a good time.  Meanwhile, with Woodstock 1999, it was a varied lineup of rap, metal, techno, pop, and country bands, there was a heatwave with record temperatures reaching 100 degrees, it cost you an arm and a leg for tickets, and everyone had a miserable time.  The only plus side about Woodstock '99 is that the location was in Rome, NY where the original Woodstock festival was meant to be as the '69 event moved from the Rome location and took place a few miles away at Bethel, NY.  

The biggest problem with Woodstock '99 is that the corporate sponsors depraved all the soul of the original Woodstock festival and replaced it with 5-dollar water bottles, ATMs, and expensive merchandise.  If it wasn't obvious how ill-conceived Woodstock '99 was, consider the fact the festival ended with a riot where MTV crew members were forced to flee and there were reports of rape, arson, and assault that took place throughout the music fest.  I remember seeing Kurt Loder crapping his pants and made it seem like he was in Vietnam. 

As a kid just about to enter high school in summer of '99, I was fascinated by all the hoopla brought by the media blitz behind Woodstock '99.  I can remember listening to my local K-Rock station for coverage of the event and MTV hyping it up to be the greatest music concert of all time.  Now that I look back in 2012, I believe Woodstock 1999 is the biggest musical fiasco to occur in the 1990's.   

After what happened at Woodstock '99, I'm not surprised why most of the world hates Limp Bizkit.  Originally I thought they were just a "shits and giggles" rap metal band, but after hearing reports of rape and vandalism during their set at Woodstock '99, it's no wonder they're universally despised by most people today.  

   

Ten Reasons Vince McMahon is Batshit Insane

You got to hand it to Vince McMahon; since 1982 he has created an entertainment conglomerate by mixing professional wrestling and nutty, over-the-top storylines to make World Wrestling Entertainment (formerly World Wrestling Federation) a soap opera for men.  You can argue that the WWE is cartoon-ish and downright insane, but as the ringleader of this multimillion dollar circus, Vince must be doing something right.

However, while like many other millionaires and billionaires with egos such as Mark Cuban and Donald Trump, McMahon takes it a step further by doing some of the most ridiculous and crazy things that makes him fucking nuts.  Yeah, I suppose it makes sense the mastermind behind WWE to be loopy just like the product.  Only Vince McMahon could come up with ideas like a porn star getting his penis chopped off by the Japanese mafia, a Thanksgiving turkey that could wrestle, having two elderly men fight in drag during a title fight, and a leprechaun becoming Vince's illegitimate son.  But there are some things that go way beyond sanity that McMahon has pulled off throughout the years.  If you followed WWE for quite awhile, then you know how crazy McMahon can be with his business decisions.  So today, let's take a look on some of the reasons that Vince McMahon is truly batshit insane.


1. The Kiss My Ass Club

Sorry ladies (or guys if that's the way you swing).  There's nothing erotic about Vince McMahon showing his bare ass to a television audience while full grown men get their faces rubbed all over Vince's rump.  I'm guessing McMahon wanted to take the concept of "brown nosing" and bring it to the next level.

Never mind that it's humiliating for Jim Ross, William Regal, Shawn Michaels, and others to have their faces implanted right up McMahon's ass crack.  This was Vince McMahon's excuse to show his bare behind on national TV.  Call it narcissism, but Vince had no problem at all dropping his trousers and having men pucker up their lips and give Vince's rump a big wet kiss.  In Vince's mind, this was the equivalent of any sports commissioner publicly humiliating a disobedient player on national TV.  Just imagine Alex Rodriguez giving Bud Selig a blowjob during a Yankees broadcast or the New Orleans Saints defensive squad gang bang Roger Goddell on Monday Night Football.  I could see Vince gloating, "Damnit, this is the only sports (entertainment) company where the boss really gets his ass kissed!"  But for the rest of us, we were groaning, "For the love of God, pull your pants up old man.  No one wants to see your old wrinkly, pimply ass."


Thankfully for WWE audiences, the company has toned down its product to a PG rating, so the threat of seeing Vince's ass is less likely now. 



2. Letting Al Sharpton Guest Host Monday Night Raw

I don't know what the reverend was thinking, but I'm certain Vince paid a helluva lot of money to have him appear on Monday Night Raw in 2009.  Some see Sharpton as an advocate of civil rights.  Others see him as a polarizing figure who shoves his political agenda down your throat.  But no matter if you lean towards the left-wing or the right-wing, most of us can agree that putting Al Sharpton in front of a WWE crowd is a horrible idea.


From 2009 to 2011, WWE had celebrity guest hosts for Monday Night Raw.  It was pretty big range of celebrities with the likenesses Snoop Dogg, Pete Rose, Ozzy Osbourne, Pee-Wee Herman, Bob Barker, Criss Angel, Mike Tyson, Cheech & Chong, and Buzz Aldrin.  Most of the time, the guest hosts would just be there to promote a new movie, a TV show, or a new book. The others would just show up because they've got nothing better to do that particular Monday night.  But for Sharpton, he was on Raw to promote his educational reforms...huh?

Apparently, the story was Rev. Sharpton along with Newt Gingrich were going on a four-city tour to raise awareness of the "achievement gap" that public education in America is facing.  It would've made more sense for Sharpton and Gingrich to promote their tour at actual school campuses, but for whatever reason he decided to do this on WWE television other than Vince paying him top dollar to appear, we'll never know.  But before Sharpton could even tell the crowd the reason he was there that night, the audience booed him mercilessly.  The people in Albany HATED Sharpton; he wasn't even suppose to be a bad guy.  The reverend should be glad this wasn't somewhere like Alabama or Texas because they really would've killed him there.  Either way, Sharpton's was considered to be the worst Raw guest host and the episode itself was too dreadful to watch.

 3. The World Bodybuilding Federation

Ever wondered what Vince did with that extra surplus of steroids back in the day before he could get caught by the feds?  Look no further than the World Bodybuilding Federation.

In case if you didn't know, McMahon loved his wrestlers to be big, muscular giants that looked like they were chiseled out of stone.  So it was no surprise that McMahon started up the World Bodybuilding Federation in 1991 to complement the WWF.  But there was one catch.  The WBF would actually mirror the same gimmick-orientated shows like the WWF.  So instead of Bruno Beefarms just strutting his stuff, we'd get bodybuilders dressed up as army men, surfers, construction workers, Las Vegas entertainers, and whatever other occupation they could think of.  If you listen to Vince squeal like a 12-year-old Justin Bieber fan when commentating on the "action", you'll figure out that the WBF was only created in order to satisfy Vince's lust for steroid-loaded men.

      
Did I mention McMahon held WBF pay-per-views?  That's right; McMahon honestly believed people would be willing to pay $30 to $40 to watch greased up bodybuilders walk down the catwalk while dressed up as a roided-out Mr. Peanut and Vince acting like a dog in heat on commentary.  Oh, and when I said "action", I meant it's only a bunch of bodybuilders on steroids flexing their muscles in the most unsettling matter.  Imagine sitting through this for 2 hours.  It should come to no surprise that the World Bodybuilding Federation only lasted for one year as Vince finally realized the company wasn't making money at all.  You know, watching WBF reminds me of the Cho Aniki video game.

4. Creating the Most Ridiculous Gimmicks of All-Time 

  
A repo man, a white man who believes he's black, a tugboat operator, a plumber, a Hispanic man who believes he's white, a hockey player, a clown with his midget clown, and a baseball player who's on strike.  This is just a tiny sample of all the "great" brainchild ideas Vince McMahon had throughout the company's history.  Never mind if you were a professional wrestler who was a great in-ring performer and knows how to work the mic.  When you signed up with the company, the first order of business was to come up with a gimmick for your character.  

Back in the 80's and 90's, Vince coming up with a gimmick for his wrestlers was like playing Madlibs.  Take for example the story of Bob Holly.  Most of you wrestling fans may know him better as Hardcore Holly, but when he started off with the WWF in 1994, he was known as Thurman "Sparky" Plugg; an ex-NASCAR racer who wanted to take his career to the next level by competing in the WWF.  Or how about "Mr. USA" Tony Atlas?  When he returned to the WWF in 1991, Vince perhaps gave him one of the most racist gimmicks in wrestling as Saba Simba, the spear-carrying African Warrior.

If you wanted to work for the WWE, you had to swallow your pride and expect the unexpected.  You just prayed to God that Vince wasn't acting weird at the time when he was coming up with a gimmick for you.  ECW's Balls Mahoney was a victim of Vince's absurd thinking when he came to WWF in 1995 as "Xanta Klaus", Santa Claus' evil brother who lived in the South Pole and stole gifts from children instead of giving them. 

And these gimmicks weren't just limited to job occupations.  It's not uncommon to see WWE superstars stuck with having amnesia, stricken by temporary blindness, or renouncing their American citizenship in order to align themselves to the evil empire of Canada. Even worse, established wrestlers like the Road Warriors and the British Bulldogs were given "mascots" to accompany them down the ring.  So next time you see a generic wrestler on TV who has zero personality, just be glad he's not stuck with an idiotic gimmick like a dentist who wrestles.   
     


5. Incest is His Fetish

Just about everyone has a fetish or taboo they indulge in.  Some have feet fetishes, others got bondage, and there those who find balloons to be sexually arousing.  For Vince, though, it looks like he's got a thing for incest.

No, no, he doesn't want to have sex with his daughter Stephanie or his son Shane, but for a while, Vince has always wanted to "push the boundaries" and have incest involved in his program.  In his mind, incest is the ultimate taboo on television.  He'd have his wish of making headlines for all the wrong reasons.  So when Stephanie McMahon was pregnant with her first kid in 2006, Vince pitched the idea to her that instead of saying the child was Triple H's (who is in fact Stephanie McMahon's real life husband), the child would actually be Vince's.  Luckily for the rest of us, Stephanie isn't batshit insane like her father and rejected the storyline.  

But wait!  Instead of just moving on, Vince came back to her with another idea.  Why not make the father her brother, Shane McMahon?  Once again good taste prevails and Stephanie said no to the idea.  As for Vince, he was down, but not out in getting his incest plot into the WWE.

So in 2008 Vince brought in Paul Burchill and Katie Lea with an incest-type gimmick.  For the gimmick, Burchill and Lea were suppose to be a brother-sister team in which Lea would imply she was sexually attracted to her "brother", Burchill, while Burchill would state he'd do anything for his "sister".  Vince finally got what he wanted; an incest angle on WWE programming.  So did this bring all the tabloid headlines that incest was being displayed on the WWE and that Vince has finally crossed the line?  Not at all.  In fact, the Burchill-Lea duo barely got any crowd heat for their incest gimmick and were pretty much indifferent to the whole thing.  Burchill and Lea floundered around WWE's B-shows like Heat and Superstars for the rest of their tenure in WWE and Vince never got to see his dream fulfilled of creating the ultimate "incest" controversy.

Be thankful the WWE is now focused on a PG rating.  Just like with the Kiss My Ass Club, the world is now a better place now that Vince's incest fetish doesn't have to be implanted all over Monday Night Raw and Smackdown.      


6. The Mike Adamle Project 

You got to admit; Mike Adamle has one hell of an impressive resume.  He played NFL football as a running back in the 70's, announced and hosted numerous sports programs such as American Gladiators and the Summer Olympics, and has competed in a Ironman Triathlon while he was 60 years old.  So what could go wrong with Adamle coming to the WWE?  Everything.

I won't blame Vince for his initial reasoning in bringing in Adamle.  Hell, back in the early 90's, WWF Superstars would lead into American Gladiators every Saturday afternoon.  You'd think maybe Adamle may have been a follower of the WWE product since they were tied together.  But unfortunately, that wasn't the case.  In his debut at Royal Rumble 2008, he'd screwed up announcing Jeff Hardy's name as "Jeff Harvey".  For Adamle, it would be the beginning of a downward spiral for him.

At first, Adamle's role was backstage interviewer and everything was taped, so the damage wasn't as bad.  But when it came to time to replace fan-favorite Joey Styles on WWE's version of ECW, Adamle was given the ball and was immediately dropped right out the opening gate.  2008 was becoming the Year of the Adamle.

There wouldn't be a single episode of WWECW (yes, it's certainly not the true and original ECW most of us loved) without Adamle fumbling over his words or goofing up on wrestler's name.  The biggest fuck up he did was even getting the company's name wrong by calling it the WW.  It was obvious that Adamle was unfit for live television and came off as a complete moron.  It gotten so bad to the point where Adamle had to apologize for his awful play-by-play announcing in front of a live TV audience.  But instead of releasing Adamle from his contract, McMahon encouraged him to stay.  I don't know if Vince watches the TV with the mute button on, but he somehow looked past all the myriad of mistakes he pulled off during his time as ECW announcer.  

So after a few of months of mispronunciations and wrong name calling, Vince promoted Adamle's on-air character to Raw General Manager.  Despite going to a taped and live role as Raw GM, he still made mistakes both live and while taped. Finally on October 29, the Mike Adamle Project officially came to an end when Adamle got the message from fans that this wasn't working out at all and left the company.  Vince, on the other hand, was reluctant to let Adamle go.  Fans, co-workers, wrestlers all hated Adamle, but Vince seemed like to be his only supporter.  I really don't know what McMahon sees in Adamle, but I wouldn't be surprised he would have kept Adamle on the payroll after being charged with child pornography and started calling him "Lance McManner". 

Don't feel too bad for Adamle.  He now has a job as a NBC sports reporter in Chicago, but just like in WWE, he's bound to make a few goofs every once and awhile.   

     

7. His Bastard Son is a Leprechaun

2007 was a bad year for the World Wrestling Entertainment.  Chris Benoit went psycho and killed his family and himself, top stars were getting injured from left to right, and PPV buyrates were dropping to all-time lows.  Something had to be done.

McMahon originally had this grand scheme where he was going to fake his own death after the limo he was riding exploded on an episode of Monday Night Raw.  But after the Benoit incident took place, the storyline was shelved permanently and no further mention of Vince's death was made.  However, Vince wasn't ready to quit on his master plan.  He was packing another bomb...shell up his sleeve in the form of a paternity lawsuit.

Like many other soap operas, WWE was now embroiled in a paternity suit where Vince McMahon had to find out which one of his employees is his illegitimate son.  For weeks and weeks, WWE audiences were stuck with dopey backstage sketches where Vince would gloat about his sexcapades with different varieties of women (big, small, black, fat, transexual, etc.) and played guessing games with wrestlers like The Boogeyman, Santino Marella, and Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Despite all the lame skits, the payoff was actually going to be big because up-and-coming WWE superstar Mr. Kennedy was all set to be revealed as Vince's son.

     
Unfortunately for Kennedy, he was one of the first violators of WWE's newly implemented Wellness Policy and was suspended for 30 days.  So much for Kennedy's rise to main event status.  So what other man was next in line to receive his main event push and get increased television time?  How bout this (half) man, Hornswoggle?

Yes, a wrestling leprechaun.  Ironically, not only was he Vince's bastard son, but he was known as "Little Bastard" when he first debuted in WWE as fellow Irishman, Finlay's manager.  So what was the payoff now that Hornswoggle has been revealed as Vince McMahon's son?  Months and months of more dopey backstage sketches!

That's right folks.  For the next couple of months, Monday Night Raw was mostly devoted to stupid Hornswoggle bits that took pages out from Looney Tunes.  This was all along Vince's master plan to get viewers to tune back in to WWE.  In the end, it was revealed that Vince McMahon wasn't Hornswoggle's father at all and the entire storyline did little to nothing in gaining new and returning viewers.    

8. He Loves to Torture a Bell's Palsy Victim

 
In case if you're not familiar who Jim Ross is, I'll cut to the chase and say he is one of the most well-respected wrestling announcers of all time.  He certainly has his work cut out for him as good ol' J.R. has announced numerous matches in both WWE and WCW.  Many wrestlers are actually honored to have him do play-by-play for their matches.  But one thing many of you probably don't know about Jim Ross is that he suffers from Bell's palsy.  Bell's palsy is a medical condition that's a form of facial paralysis.  Reportedly, because of Ross' condition, McMahon once said Ross was visually unpleasant for TV. Even though Ross has defied the odds and overcame them, Vince has developed a masochistic relationship with him and always finds ways to torture poor ol' J.R.     


Shortly after he completed his first year with the company, Ross had his first attack of Bell's palsy and instead of being compassionate, WWF fired him from the company.   He was brought back for a couple of months later as Vince was busy with the steroids trial he was caught up with in 1994.  Once McMahon was acquitted of all charges, J.R. was shown the door once again.  Amazingly, WWF gave Ross yet another chance by rehiring him and finally became a fixture on WWF/WWE television.  But that hasn't stopped Vince in humiliating and ribbing Ross on-air.

One infamous moment came in 2005 when Monday Night Raw moved back to the USA Network after a five year stint with Spike TV.  In a storyline, the McMahon family was pissed at Ross for laughing at them while "Stone Cold" Steve Austin gave each of them a Stunner.  So after getting kicked in the balls by then-WWE CEO Linda McMahon, Ross was "fired"; he wasn't really fired as this was a way to make up a story to explain his absence.  He was in fact taking time off for a major colon surgery.  However, Vince thought it would be hilarious to poke fun at Ross' real-life ailment as a segment on Raw.

        
Only Vince could reuse the same crap that was from the horrendous Katie Vick angle in order to humiliate J.R.  Another instance of McMahon ribbing Ross on-air was when Ross learned for the first time along with everyone else watching was his Raw announcing position being replaced by Michael Cole and he was sent packing to Friday Night Smackdown.  Ross was visibly peeved when the announcement was made during the 2008 WWE Draft.  Many felt this was a low blow by McMahon because of Ross' years of service with the company.  

Even to this day, Vince continues to find ways to poke fun at the Oklahoman.  For example, McMahon uses Michael Cole to verbally abuse and berate Ross whenever he has the chance.  Just recently, Ross was put into challenges like a rap battle and a dance off with Cole in order to make him look like a total fool.  I know this is all done to further Cole's status as a villain, but in reality, it's Vince who's feeding Cole what to say or do about J.R.

I'll give Ross credit where it's due.  Despite being harassed by McMahon for all these years, he still is with WWE.       


9. The Mae Young Reign of Terror 2000

Damn, now this granny can fight.  Mae Young was one of the original female wrestlers of the golden age of wrestling during the 1940s and 1950s.  In fact, when she was in high school, she made it on the boy's wrestling team.  Now that's one tough cookie if you ask me.

But let's fast track to 1999 when Vince brought in a 76-year-old Mae Young along with her longtime pal Fabulous Moolah to WWF.  They would appear on Raw and Smackdown from time to time as comic relief as Fabulous Moolah even won the Women's Championship to become the oldest champion at the age of 76.  But as the new century was coming, the year 2000 would rear its ugly head when Vince used Mae Young as the punchline to flat-out terrible geriatric antics.

It all started at the beginning of the new year when Mae Young thought she was just as good looking as the rest of the WWE Divas like Ivory and The Kat.  So at Royal Rumble 2000 in New York City, Mae Young entered herself in the swimsuit competition and showed the world her old, sagging tits.

Allegedly, she was wearing a prosthetic piece that looked like granny boobs when she pulled down her swimsuit.  It is said that Vince was a huge fan of "There's Something About Mary" and wanted to use the same bit where Matt Dillion was staring at sagging, old boobs through his binoculars.  I was actually there at the Royal Rumble PPV, but I cannot either confirm or deny this was true because I simply turned my head away in horror because I did not want to be scarred for life at a young age.  Even if I was a brave soul and looked for images with Mae Young showing her "puppies", I'd probably get banned for life from Blogspot for posting them on here.

As you thought Vince was done with having Mae Young showing her sagging boobs in public, think again.  Things got really out of hand (no pun intended as you'll see later) when Mae Young started an on-screen relationship with "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry.  The former 1996 Olympian Mark Henry had apparently turned into a sexual addict and proclaimed himself as the "Sexual Chocolate" after being romantically involved with just about anything from Chyna to a drag queen named Sammy.  So "Sexual Chocolate" wanted it to take it up a notch and started going for the mature types like Mae Young...

Vince thought it would be a great idea to bring Mae Young and Mark Henry's romance to higher territory as on an episode of Raw, Mae Young had a shocking announcement: she was pregnant with Mark Henry's child!  Good god!  Now that's one bombshell that's too hot for regular soap operas.  But as weeks went by, something seemed quite odd about all this.  Mae kept smoking her cigars and never had miscarriage when the Dudley Boyz powerbombed her through a table while running off a ramp.  Was Mae lying to Mark about carrying his "Chocolate Baby"?

Eventually, she was still "pregnant" as her water finally broke on an episode of Raw.  And well....I'll let the video do the talking.

There you have it; all of that just for one really awful pun.  Vince really does have a sick, twisted sense of humor.
  
10. The XFL

Remember when John Lennon caught shit for saying the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, even though he wasn't serious?  Vince McMahon had that same moment when he said the XFL was bigger than the NFL, but the difference was he was dead serious.

McMahon had every reason to be cocky and brash while living on Cloud 9 in 2000.  The WWF was making millions and millions of dollars while his main competitor, World Championship Wrestling, was down on its last legs.  Like a shark smelling blood, he knew his company has finally become the only top dog in the business and eventually purchased WCW in March 2001.  It was time for Vince to look for new game.  His next target: football.

In perhaps a shot at the NFL because Monday Night Football and Monday Night Raw are main rivals in the TV ratings war, McMahon teamed up with NBC to create the XFL football league (despite popular belief, the XFL did not stand for Xtreme Football League).  McMahon had envisioned the XFL to be a man's man football league, unlike the "wimpy" NFL with their penalties.  In order to differentiate itself from the NFL, the XFL had certain rules that suppose to make the game "tougher".  For starters, instead of the coin toss, one player of each team would scramble for the ball in order to determine who gets possession first.  Other rule changes were the elimination of pass interference calls and forward passes were allowed.  But as you'll see later on, tinkering with the rules too much can cause trouble.

So when it was set in stone that the XFL would finally kick off in February 2001, Vince when on a marketing PR blitz for the new league.  But weeks before the first game happened, a incident occurred where one of the XFL blimps that was promoting the upcoming season crashed into a harbor in Oakland.

 
I don't know about you, but that's gotta be one hell of an omen for Vince.

So after much pomp and circumstance, the XFL finally made its debut on February 3, 2001 in a matchup game between the New York/New Jersey Hitmen and the Las Vegas Outlaws.  Amazingly, the first-ever XFL game on NBC did a 9.5 TV rating with more than 14 million viewers tuning in to the game.  But good times would not last for long for Vince and NBC.  The ratings took a huge nosedive afterwards as viewership took a dramatic decline.  It got so bad that the week following the first one brought in a 4.6 rating.  That's a loss of about 6 million viewers.  The following week, ratings slipped to 3.6 and it just got worse from there.  Even on the other networks where the league was shown like UPN and TNN, some games didn't even register in the ratings because not that many people watched them.  Plus, one of the televised games on NBC has earned the distinction of being the lowest-rated prime time sports program in history with a 1.6 rating.  When it was all said and done by the end of the first and only XFL season, the championship game pulled in a 2.5 rating for NBC.

So what was the culprit in XFL's dramatic decline in ratings?  There were a lot actually.  For starters, critics argued that Vince made the XFL feel like it was watching the WWF as a football game.  Wrestling commentators such as Jim Ross and Jesse Ventura were announcing the games, players were making locker room promos similar to backstage promos on WWE, coaches and announcers were barking at the players over the PA system like a manager would scream at their wrestler, and XFL cheerleaders were being paraded around like WWE divas.  In fact, during one broadcast of the game, the league boasted that it was going to have its cameras inside the cheerleaders' locker room when it turned out to be a really corny sketch involving Vince McMahon that you would normally find on Monday Night Raw.  Oh, to top it all off, our good friend Mike Adamle was also announcing games too.

Another problem with the XFL was the performance (or lack thereof).  While many weren't necessarily expecting NFL-caliber play, audiences grew bored watching the games like it was a glorified Arena Football League game.  Not to say all the players sucked -- Tommy Maddox became the XFL's only M.V.P. at the end of the season and revived his football career the following year player as the Pittsburgh Steelers' starting quarterback --  but with confusing rule changes that Vince implemented to the league, this hindered the game play as players seemed to be confused what was going on.

Also it didn't help that there was virtually nonexistent media coverage of XFL games.  Most media outlets like ESPN and Fox treated the league as a joke like it was another WWF TV show like Raw or Smackdown.  The only time they even bothered to mention the XFL was when the ratings were heading down a slippery slope and when the company finally closed its doors.

You can't really blame Vince that much.  His heart was in the right place when he wanted to spice up the game of American football by creating a brand new football league.  But when you start proclaiming your league will be better than the NFL and will change the face of American sports as we know it; that's not ballsy, that's just downright batshit insane.       

  
 

Top 20 Incredibly Crappy Licenses for a Video Game

While I already covered some of the worst video games based on movies, I thought I should take it a step further and go over some of the worst licenses (or licences for all you Brits out there) that have been used for video games.  Bear in mind while Total Recall and Enter The Matrix were shitty games, they had the potential to be awesome because of the original product.  However, there are plenty of video games out there that have licensed characters and properties that have absolutely no business in the gaming universe.  You'll be surprised how many video games there are featuring mascots from fast food joints and kiddie superstars like Hannah Montana and "Coming to a Rehab Center Near You" Lindsay Lohan.

Let's just hope that this serves as a lesson to all the marketing and PR people that are out there looking to expand their brand name in something that shouldn't really have their hands in.



20. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

I know a lot of people have skeletons in their closets, but Mark Wahlberg might as well be the national spokesperson for skeletons in the closet.  Before starring in inspirational movies about boxers, football players, rock stars, and taco stand vendors, Wahlberg took a "stab" at the hip-hop industry as a white boy who loved to rap and hang with his homies.  OK, so he wasn't Vanilla Ice horrible, but by God he was laughably bad when he tried to roll with his Funky Bunch crew.  He should be very thankful he has a blooming acting career because Marky Mark was certainly not meant for this world. 

So anyway, Sega wanted to make its new Sega CD machine "hip" and "cool" or probably "hippity cool" to make it the only console out there that only cool people play.  Unfortunately, Sega didn't get the memo that Marky Mark was not hip, cool, or hippity cool to most people, so it was no surprise the console tanked big time when they released Make My Video featuring Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.  I should point out that INXS and Kris Kross also had Make My Video games, but by far Marky Mark was the worst of them all.

  

19. Where's Waldo? 

I certainly get the idea that the Where's Waldo books help kids or inspiring safety inspectors to have a keen eye.  But has anyone ever asked why Waldo's hiding in the first place?  Whether it's at the beach, a crowded mall, or the moon, this motherfucker is always trying to keep a low profile.  Is he hiding from the police for child pornography charges?  Or perhaps hiding from the mob after screwing them over on track racing bets?  Whatever the case may be, Waldo's definitely blending in with the crowd to get away from someone.

There are plenty of edutainment games out there (plus a staggering amount of Sesame Street games), but Where's Waldo is a terrible license to pick for a video game.  Why?  I don't think I'd want to have my kid rub his face against the TV screen and look all over the damn place to look for Waldo while frying his eyes out.  Oh, and the Great Waldo Search is a really shitty game to boot.  Good luck trying to find our stripped friend in one sea of pixelated mess. 

18. Sour Patch Kids 

We're finally in the year 2012, right?  So explain to me why out of all the intellectual properties that are out there that Capcom decided to greenlight a Sour Patch Kids game. 

If you've ever been to a movie theater, then you've probably had a pack of Sour Patch Kids candy along with your buttered (if that is butter...) popcorn.  If there's one thing Sour Patch Kids are guaranteed to do, that's ruining your fucking teeth for life.  Although this game hasn't come out yet, we do know that it's suppose to deal with the Sour Patch Kids navigating through movie theaters and other places while avoiding other treacherous candy treats and "deranged" humans (according to the press release).   You know, the Sour Patch Kids doesn't really need to be a video game, but somehow Capcom is throwing all its marbles down for this game.

By the way, it gets even more bizarre as Method Man (yes, THAT Method Man of Wu-Tang fame) has provided the theme song for this upcoming game.

17. Chester Cheetah (Cheetos)

You gotta love the irony in this one.  Remember as a kid when you'll playing some video games with your pals and one of them ask to pass over the controller while the little bastard's hands are covered in Cheetos powder?  I bet this game was dedicated to all those moments when it happened.

Believe it or not, Kaneko made two Chester Cheetah games for the SNES and Sega Genesis.  Overall, both titles were basic platforming games that weren't really anything to write home about.  However, given the fact the game stars a mascot who promotes greasy cheese snacks, you know the game sole purpose was to get kids running to the grocery store and stock up on crunchy and puffy Cheetos.



16. Jeopardy!/Family Feud

I'll admit it: I tune in to Jeopardy on a daily basis.  In fact, I'm a sucker when it comes to quiz shows like Jeopardy or Family Feud so I can prove to myself that I'm not dumb and truly am a genius.  But there's a huge fatal flaw when it comes to making licensed video games based on game shows.

Jeopardy and Family Feud are two perfect examples on how things can go south while playing them in video game form.  For one thing, it's a real pain in the ass to navigate the cursor to type in your answer.  Life would be easier if this was being played on a PC, but seeing how there's been multiple versions of Jeopardy and Family Feud on the NES and other home consoles, it was pure torture just getting your answer in before time runs out.  Also another huge problem with licensed video games based on game shows is the limited amount of questions in the game.  It'll take you at least three sessions to finally see the questions being repeated, thus rendering the game unplayable.  And don't even bother to play any of these games if you suck at spelling.  Just misspelling a word by one letter will get it wrong.

15. Alvin & The Chipmunks

I'm actually pretty amazed that there hasn't been an Alvin & the Chipmunks video game until the franchise got rebooted for the 2007 live-action movie.  However, seeing how this atrocity turned out, I think it was best the Chipmunks franchise stayed away from video games.

In a nutshell, all the Alvin & the Chipmunks is really about is taking pop songs from classic and current musicians and cranking up the RPM so that it sounds like squeaky, little chipmunks are singing them.  While I have fond memories of watching the original Chipmunks cartoons - both the 1960's and 1980's versions - Hollywood decided it would be a great idea to revive the franchise in 2007 by giving us a more realistic, yet half naked Alvin & the Chipmunks.  And like most kids movies these days, a video game was released to coincide with the film's arrival.  Bear in mind that also in 2007, rhythm video games like Guitar Hero and Rock Rand were all the rage.  It seems pretty appropriate that Brash Entertainment copied and pasted the exact same game mechanics of Guitar Hero for a franchise that copied and pasted the exact same songs of pop musicians.

14. Garfield

Plenty can be said about the Garfield comic strip, but for me, I know it's Jim Davis' clever way to tell a story of a paranoid, depressed schizophrenic disguised as a comic strip about a lazy cat who likes to eat lasagna.  As I mentioned before in my blog, Garfield Minus Garfield does an awesome job in revealing the comic strip's true nature.

 

It's a shame most people don't notice that because they only see Garfield as a pretty crappy comic.  You can't really do much with a lazy, fat cat who eats a lot and does nothing else.  But whether you love or hate the orange critter, there's something truly mind-boggling that there are over fourty video games released featuring Garfield.  That's right; going all the way back to the Atari 2600, the Garfield license has been used in 40+ different games.  I don't know if that's a record, but hell, there's gotta be someone out there who finds Garfield hilarious and buy these games.

Here's a look at some of Garfield's "finest" moments in video game history.

 

13. Kiss

Of all the rock bands that are out there, there's no bigger PR and marketing machine than Kiss.  It's kind of interesting to see what people will remember the band for; their music or their lust for marketing.  I'll give Gene Simmons credit where it's due.  He sure makes one hell of a salesman.  From comic books to action figures to funeral caskets to even condoms, Simmons has slapped the Kiss brand to just about everything.  But when it comes to video games, Kiss has it all wrong.

Surprisingly, there are only two Kiss-branded video games (plus an unconfirmed one for Commodore 64), but for the most part, they suck.  Their first game was Kiss Pinball for the Playstation 1 and it wasn't offensively bad.  But seeing how you probably get more entertainment playing the actual Kiss pinball machine, this game made no sense.  However, the Kiss ad nauseum train goes full steam with the release of KISS: Psycho Circus - The Nightmare Child for the Sega Dreamcast and PC in 2000.  Based on Kiss' comic book series, the Psycho Circus game is nothing more but a Quake/Unreal ripoff.  The funny thing about this game was that you played the role of not the actual Kiss band, but a Kiss tribute band.  I don't know if Simmons and his band didn't want any part of this crappy game, but it's kind of like playing Super Mario Bros. only to find out you're only playing some fat guy from Brazil who's pretending to be Super Mario.




12. The Olsen Twins

Remember when Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen were America's little darlings way before there turned into anorexic crack gobblers?  That's okay if you don't.  So apparently back when Full House was all the rage in the late 80's to early 90's, the Olsen Twins captivated audiences everywhere with their adorable spunk because they just couldn't get enough of not one, but two modern day Shirley Temples.  While Bob Saget and the rest of the Full House cast's careers went down the shitter when the show ended, the Olsen Twins had other plans by going on a decade long marketing blitz in order to enslave little girls to the Olsen brand.  Just like with Kiss, the Olsens planted their name on toys, cereals, videos, and the whole shabangbang.  Thankfully, there weren't any Olsen Twins condoms or caskets. 

In an attempt to make video games a little more emasculating, Acclaim released a total of 13 Olsen Twins-licensed games.  Now, I don't know about you, but I just don't see pre-teen girls flocking to the nearest Gamestop to pick up copies of Mary Kate & Ashley's Crush Course or Mary Kate & Ashley's What's That White Stuff.  Targeting the 6-12 female demographic with video games is like target the male demographic with sanitary tampons.  Granted that video games are much more casual today than it was 10 years ago, but I don't think releasing a "Mary Kate & Ashley's Anorexic Action" game would be a smash hit today.

11. Bebe's Kids        

From what I can recall about Bebe's Kids the movie, it was extraordinarily boring.  Not much to write home about this animated dud.  It was hard to tell if this movie was targeting kids or a mature audience, but in any case, it bombed at the box office.  What many of you probably don't know is that Bebe's Kids is essentially an well-noted routine done by the late standup comedian Robin Harris.  With that in mind, it looks like Bebe's Kids for Super Nintendo is the first and only video game based on someone's standup routine.  Just imagine a film studio making a movie about Dave Chappelle's Rick James routine and then licensing that movie for a video game.  Now you know how crazy converting Bebe's Kids to video game form was.

Overall, the game was flat-out bad.  In fact, some game critics consider it to be the worst SNES game of all time.  But going back to the notion that Bebe's Kids originally was a standup routine, the game takes the least-interesting portion of Harris' act, as well as the movie, and uses that for the entire game.  It's like taking George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Words" routine and just using the word "balls" to make a video game out of it.

10. Aerosmith

While Kiss has a crappy video game, at least there's is not as horrible as Aerosmith's cry for help.

Before rock bands slapped their names and likenesses to Guitar Hero games, musicians had other ideas to work with.  Motley Crue kept it simple like Kiss by making a pinball video game, while Michael Jackson went the whole nine yards and did the Moonwalker arcade game for Sega.  While some of you may argue that licensing a Michael Jackson arcade game is worse than licensing an Aerosmith arcade game, realize that Moonwalker came out in 1988 when Jackson was at the peak of his career and the game itself wasn't bad.  In fact, I wouldn't call licensing a Michael Jackson video game crappy back in the 80's as anything tagged with the words "Michael" and "Jackson" would sell like hotcakes.  

But let's go back to Aerosmith.  The band had a relatively successful run during the 90's, so they wanted to capitalize on that success by taking at stab at video games.  So Steven Tyler and the gang went to Midway Games for them to create an Aerosmith video game.  The result?  Revolution X.

 

Well, that was unexpected.  In a nutshell, Revolution X is Midway taking its popular Terminator 2 arcade game and throwing in a bunch of aging rockers into the game.  Along with an absurdly dopey storyline where the future is depended on you and Steven Tyler's large-ass lips, Revolution X is laughably bad and goofy as we get a couple of Aerosmith songs playing on loop over and over again while you take down ninja rejects by flinging compact discs at them.  Hey, at least it shows you what they did with all those extra copies of the band's crappy Rock in a Hard Place album.  By the time you listen to an instrumental version of "Eat the Rich" playing in the background for the 40th time, you'd wish the game would allow you to shoot down the band in a murderous rampage.  

Now that I think about it, I'd wish bands like Kiss and Aerosmith would've waited until 2006 to work on a Guitar Hero video game because we ended up with some pretty crappy stuff in licensed video games featuring dinosaur rock bands.

   

9. The Blues Brothers

I have a feeling that Dan Akyroyd doesn't know the saying, "Let sleeping dogs lie."  If he did, we'd probably never would have wound up with the ultra-shitty Blues Brothers 2000 sequel.  

But even before Akyroyd decided to desecrate John Belushi's good name by making that abortion of a movie, someone had a brilliant idea of taking the Blues Brothers license and using it for a video game.  I don't know about you, but there's nothing about Elwood and Jake Blues that screams they should be put into a video game.  In fact, I don't think there's any reoccurring Saturday Night Live sketch that could be used to make a video game (with the exception of the horribly gone wrong Wayne's World game).

So the Un-Hun-Hun Frenchmen over at Titus Software produced a platformer game featuring the Blues Brothers for the NES, Commodore 64, Amiga, Game Boy, and PC systems.  The game itself was particularly bad since it had little or nothing to do with the movie or the SNL sketches.  Instead of evading the Illinois State Police and Nazis or jamming it up with some good ol' fashioned blues music, Elwood and Jake are just hopping and skipping around factories and abandoned buildings while throwing wooden crates at complete strangers and random green blob monsters.  In some versions of the game, the Blues Brothers somehow receive superpowers and are able to walk on clouds.  I think it's safe to say that the Blues Brothers game is a classic example on what happens to a license when it gets lost in translation.  But hey, at least the game wasn't as bad as the Blues Brothers 2000 movie.  There's nothing that can top that in terms of crappiness, right?

Son of a bitch...

8. M&M's

We all know that M&M's "melt in your mouth, not in your hands".  But did you know that M&M's will melt your brain while they're in your video games?

M&M's were first introduced in 1941 by the Mars candy company and while they had anthropomorphic M&M's running around to hawk the candy, there wasn't a official or primary mascot for them.  That wasn't up until 1995 when they finally debuted the Red and Yellow M&M's as their "official" mascot for the candy.  Red was originally voiced by Jon Lovitz and Yellow voiced by John Goodman.  Of course it was obvious that the two were fulfilling the stereotypical snarky wisecrack/clumsy big oaf duo quota.  Soon, each M&M color started to get personalities of their own and it wasn't long for Mars to decide to branch out its brand and license it to toys, school supplies, race cars, and of course, video games.

The problem with having mascots from the food industry and using them in video games is that I don't think they have that "cool" factor where kids wanna bum rush the store and buy their games.  Unless the mascot of a fast-food chain is a grizzly bear wearing sunglasses while riding a T-Rex, I doubt mascots representing the food industry will ever have a top-selling video game.  I would give M&M's the benefit of the doubt if their games were awesome, but unfortunately, that is not the case.  In fact, M&M Kart Racing for the Nintendo has become the whipping boy for crappy bargain bin games everywhere.

 

7. E.T.

I already mentioned unfortunate horrible video game in one of my previous blogs, so the less said, the better.  I will add that this was expected when your license is about an alien who looks like the offspring of Ghandi and a California Raisin.


6. Burger King

Burger King may have officially retired their creepy, royal mascot, but his legacy certainly lives on.  There's no bigger evidence of his existence when the fast food chain released Burger King games in 2006 for the Xbox 360.  

Selling at $4 a pop, Burger King had not one, but three games to choose from.  The first two were just basic racing games featuring BK characters like the King himself, Subservient Chicken (WTF?), Whopper Jr. (DoubleWTF?), and others.  Nothing out of the ordinary for racing games featuring licensed characters.  But the third one has without a doubt the most absurd concept in video game history.  In Sneak King, you control the company's namesake by sneaking around and approach unsuspecting civilians with Whoppers before they pass out from hunger.  Now think about that for one moment.  Here you are, dressed up as royalty while wearing a disturbing mask, stalking innocent people and using the element of surprise in order to fulfill Burger King's plot to take over the world.  Just take a look at this video to see the insanity behind all this.

There's just something terribly wrong about all of this.  In the real world, just about anyone can see a disturbing, burger-pushing stalker from a mile away while he prances and tiptoes around like the absolute creep he is.  But in Burger King's version of the world, everyone suffers from glaucoma and constant fainting spells.  The Burger King might as well be breathing down the back of your neck and these people still won't notice him.  Also, the type of reactions the characters give when the King surprises them is the complete opposite of what a sane, normal human being would give if the King of Nightmares popped out of nowhere.  In Sneak King, the King's "prey" would squeal with joy as he dances in front of them like it was the mating dance of a peacock.  After the King's little jig, he would then pull a Whopper on a sliver platter out of nowhere and serves it to them.  These people would merrily accept his offering without the notion the King may have drugged the Whoppers so he can rape them.  I don't know about you, but if I ever encountered the King in that situation, my most likely reaction would be to scream bloody murder and run far, far away and contact the local authorities.




5. "Shaq" Shaquille O'Neill

 
If you've ever played any of the NBA Jam games as a kid, you probably noticed two glaring omissions in them.  First of course was Michael Jordan.  Jordan was wildly popular at the time, so he went the nontraditional route by trademarking and licensing his own name and likeness.  With his high asking price for royalties and fees, he rarely appeared in NBA video games except for coming out with his very own video game called "Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City".  The second omission was Shaquille O'Neill (or simply Shaq).  He too went the same route as Jordan by trademarking and licensing his name across the board.  But unlike Jordan, Shaq branched out to other stuff like becoming a rapper, actor, and karate expert.  Yes, you heard me, karate expert.  

You may be familiar with his acting career and laying down some beats in his platinum-selling rap album, but did you know Shaq was such the karate expert that he had his own form of martial arts called "Shaq Fu"?  That's how he was able to license his own Shaq Fu video game.

OK, seriously, looking back at Shaq Fu for SNES and Genesis, it was quite goofy and absurd like Shaq starring in Kazaam.  I don't know why he didn't keep it simple and use his license for a basketball game, but for Shaq to be in a fighting game is like seeing Joe Namath be in a dating simulator game.  I won't lie; I thought the prospect of Shaq in a Street Fighter/Mortal Kombat type game was both cool and ridiculous when I was a kid.  But now looking back, it was really only ridiculous.  Hey, I love the big guy, but you gotta be more careful on what you license your name to.  


4. McDonald's

Nowadays, having McDonald's interact with kids will horrify parents and go apeshit that the Golden Arch is pushing childhood obesity to them.  But it wasn't like that 20 years ago.  Mom and dad were fine with Ronald McDonald and company promoting their Happy Meals and burgers to kids across America.  If you were a kid back in those days, then you'll recall the plethora of licensed goods McDonald's pushed to kids.  From toys to Halloween costumes to bed sheets to music records, there were no boundaries for McDonald's when it came to marketing to kids.  So it came to no surprise that McDonald's licensed a video game in 1992 called M.C. Kids.  Just like other licensed, platformer video games, M.C. Kids had you collecting the McDonald's logo while throwing crap at your enemies.  One thing I want to point out is while the U.S. cover for M.C. Kids isn't alarmingly -- two chubby kids high-fiving each other after eating a round of Big Macs -- its the European artwork paints a far sinister picture.

Known as McDonaldland in Europe, you do get a lot of mixed messages in this picture.  Here we see two strapping young lads who reek of early 90's radicalness (especially the stereotypical African American dude sporting a hi-top fade haircut and red, green, and yellow colors) standing in front of a McDonald's sign.  But as you look above, there's Ronald McDonald with quite a menacing look on his face as he's creeping from behind the sign.  Talk about truth in advertising; did McDonald's want to give Europeans a subtle hint about the smoke and mirrors it was showing?  If one thing was for certain, this picture sums up the disturbing nature of McDonald's marketing to kids by licensing their brand in video games.

By the way, the chain also released two more McDonald's-licensed games for the Sega Genesis: Mick & Mack's Global Gladiators and McDonald's Treasure Land Adventure.  Despite being licensed by a fast food chain, both games were actually developed by reputable game developers.  Global Gladiators was made by Shiny Entertainment (Earthworm Jim, Aladdin for Sega Genesis, Robocop vs. Terminator) and Treasure Land Adventure was made by Treasure (Contra, Gunstar Heroes, Guardian Heroes).  Even more crazy is the fact both games weren't bad at all.  It's amazing that despite being a game using a McDonald's license that they turned out to be good.  This my friends is an example of taking a ridiculous license like McDonald's and creating an enjoyable and playable video game.

  

3. The Bible

Okay, so I cheated.  The Holy Bible isn't licensed property per se, BUT with megachurch preachers, right-wing politicians, and bible belt lunatics touting the bible like they own it, it might as well be.

It's kind of funny religious video games exist in the first place because most devote Christians loathe video games.  I'm certain someone like Billy Graham would call it the devil's work or something like that.  But the people at Wisdom Tree don't think so.  In fact, video games and the Bible are like peanut butter and jelly for Wisdom Tree.  Born out of the ashes of Color Dreams, Wisdom Tree tore out pages from the Old Testament and inserted them in well-known games.  So in other words; they plagiarized games like Super Mario Bros. 2, Legend of Zelda, and Wolfenstein 3-D and threw in biblical figures to cover their tracks.  So now instead of hunting and shooting Nazi soldiers like you did in Wolfenstein, you hunt and feed animals fruits that puts them to sleep in Super 3D Noah's Ark.  I'm sure this will teach kids that Noah ran around his ark with a slingshot and force-fed goats and lions apples laced with Ambien.  

That's the thing about Bible games; I always thought that any form of entertainment that has a Christian theme to it is meant to be a learning tool for kids or "inspire" people to become better Christians.  And it's not just Christians either.  Those of the Jewish faith may pick up other Wisdom Tree games like Exodus and Baby Moses.  In any case, I have a hard time believing that strictly-religious parents would buy these games for their kids so they can learn all the different historical inaccuracies in the games or be inspired after controlling a skateboarder who ollies his way to Sunday school.  

As far as I'm aware, there's no other video game out there that uses other faiths like Muslim, Hinduism, or Scientology, but I'm sure time will tell when Tom Cruise funds a 360 and PS3 Scientology game.     




2. The Noid (Domino's Pizza)

 
Now this I cannot comprehend.  Why would anyone want to license the fuckin' Noid?  The Noid!   Arguably one of the most annoying mascots in history, the Noid was a small, weird man dressed in what appears to be a red bunny suit and his claim to fame was he wanted to ruin your pizza and terrorized pizza delivery boys everywhere.  

While I appreciate well-known claymation director Will Vinton, who created the Noid TV ads, the red menace should've stayed on the TV screen and nothing more.  Unfortunately, Domino's had other plans and went to town with a full marketing blitz for the Noid. Their first order of business was licensing a computer game called "Avoid the Noid!".  Obviously as the title implies, the purpose of the game is to...well...avoid the Noid.

Who knew that just trying to avoid the Noid would be a life or death situation? Never mind that you're a Domino's pizza boy who's trying to avoid the Noid from murdering you.  The concept of this computer game has you working your way up to the 30th floor of an apartment building that has no elevators and is rigged with booby traps everywhere.  From dodging missiles, jumping over trap doors, and doing barrel rolls over homicidal Noids, you start to think you're delivering a box of Domino's pizza under 30 minutes or less to James Bond.  And if you needed any indication that this insanely absurd computer game was licensed by Domino's, look no further than the actual cover box.

When the cover artwork has at least 5 mentions of Domino's Pizza, you better damn well know it's licensed by them.  While the next Domino's-licensed game, Yo Noid by Capcom, wasn't as obvious with its in-game advertising, the plot is just as over the top as its DOS counterpart.  In this NES game, the Noid is commissioned by the mayor of New York City to stop a renegade Noid and his minions from assailing the city.  You heard right.  Mayor Rudy Giuliani doesn't need the police or National Guard to bring down terrorists in NYC; he's got the Noid to do it all.  But what's even more of a head scratcher is that at the end of every level, the Noid challenges one of its kind in a pizza-eating contest.  Now wait a minute...doesn't the Noid loathe pizza?  Why else would the little bastard put all of his effort in destroying pizza?  Something doesn't add up.

As someone with the privilege of living within range of New York City, I barely bother with Domino's anymore and enjoy damn good pizza from the local pizzerias.  But if Sal's Pizza decided to use the Noid as their spokesperson, I'd stop patronizing them for good.                           

1. Superman

Now before you comic fanboys out there start seething with rage and throw rocks at me, let me explain something.  In theory, the Superman license undoubtedly would make a kick ass video game.  There's nothing preventing a Superman-licensed video game to make a good game and a kick ass experience.  Unfortunately, this is all in theory.

Over a dozen Superman video games have been released and all of them have been bad.  I mean really bad.  Not just really bad, but historically bad.  It's hard to comprehend how video game companies have tried and failed every time they make a Superman game.  Atari was first at bat to make a Superman game, but seeing how the Atari 2600 was one of the worst video game consoles ever made, there wasn't much of a fighting change for the Man of Steel.  Next up was Kemco to try to make at least playable Superman game for the Nintendo Entertainment System.  Unfortunately, the Japanese developers over at Kemco either were high on wacky drugs or just being Japanese as Superman for the NES is perhaps the most nonsensical video game in history.  I think AVGN sums it up the best on how atrociously bad this one was.

Despite Kemco's darnest to make a playable Superman game, this was just one hell of a black eye for the Superman brand.  Afterwards, Sega took the ball and ran with its version of Superman for the Sega Genesis.  For some reason, Sunsoft decided to make Superman the ultimate weakling as it didn't take much for the Man of Steel to get his ass whooped.  Unless there was a fire sale on Kryptonite, there's something wrong seeing Superman get knocked on the floor by a single bullet when he's know to have them bounce off his chest.  The next Superman game to come out was The Death and Return of Superman for the SNES and Genesis and was the best Superman game ever.  However, saying that is just like saying Somalia is the best place to go on vacation compared to Chernobyl and Death Valley.  It was a ho-hum game with mindless beat 'em up brawling.  But the next Superman game to come out was so horrific, so atrocious, so terrible, that it's earned the distinction by many as the worst video game to have ever been released.

There's no argument that Superman 64 sucks, period.  If you had the misfortune of playing this, then you know how incredibly crappy Superman 64 was.  Believe it or not, Superman 64 was made by the same game company, Titus Software, who also made those dumb Blues Brothers games mentioned above.  Good friggin' luck just trying to get pass the first level.  For some idiotic reason other than they're French, Titus decided to throw Sups in a fog-infested Metropolis and he's given the task to fly through rings in order to beat Lex Luthor.  Sounds easy, but given the fact the controls are as accurate as Helen Keller flying a Boeing 747 to its destination, it's simply god damn frustrating.  Miss about 2 or 3 rings due to overly-sensitive controls or not beating the unmerciful time limit and the game tells you to go fuck yourself and start all over again. Top that off with horrible glitches and bugs (especially the ones where you get stuck in the wall and have to restart the level ALL the way from the beginning), this clearly is the worst game to appear on Nintendo 64.  The last Superman game to have come out was Superman Returns for Xbox, Xbox 360, and Playstation 2.  While Superman Returns wasn't as disastrously bad as Superman 64, it didn't do much at all to remove the stain put on Superman's good name thanks to these shitty games.

To recap, the Superman license makes a great video game on paper.  But unfortunately there seems to be a curse when it comes to Superman-based video games.  One bad Superman game would just be a fluke, but when virtually every Superman video game sucks, this license is certainly toxic.  No wonder it's the most incredibly crappy license for a video game.