The Top 20 "Best" Worst Halloween Costumes of 2019

Holy smokes, it's been over five years since my last blog?  I must correct this.

Halloween is usually a time most kids enjoy where they get to dress up in costumes and go to strangers' houses to get candy (or chips if they're cheap bastards) every October 31.  But once those strangers tell you you're too old to be trick-or-treating, you still dress up in costumes as an excuse to go drinking every October 31.  

Imagine - grown adults - still putting on costumes to validate drinking on a holiday they yearn to relive like a kid.  Not sure if booze is considered a good substitute for candy, but whatever rocks your boat as an adult.

Not to knock on the cosplay community, which I have much props for, but spending ridiculous amounts of money over a piece of clothing only to wear it perhaps once in your life seems a bit odd.  What makes it worse is paying extraordinary amounts for crappy costumes.

I'm sure you've seen Halloween stores pop up every September in your town, so you've probably heard of Spirit Halloween.  They've already assaulted Internet browsers with ads to buy their costumes.  I got to admit some of the costumes are pretty neat for the kids such as their dinosaur and super hero costumes.

If you owned a Dinosaurs Attack trading card, you know this kid is fucked.

But the most surprising thing about Spirit Halloween's website is there are more choices for adult costumes than there are for kids.  You would think Halloween should be more geared towards kids, but not in Spirit Halloween's eyes.  Well...so you would think.

The women's costumes are nothing more than sluts dressing up as whores and whores dressing up as sluts, but it's the men's selection that is rather intriguing.  You see, it's like Spirit Halloween wants to give you the hint that if you're a grown man, you shouldn't be dressing up on Halloween.  To bring that point home, Spirit not only made their men's costumes obnoxiously bad, but also chose the most obnoxiously bad models.  These douchebags must've gotten their certification in modeling from their local community college and could only find work modeling for an online Halloween catalog.

Some of their costumes are dorky, while there are others that are stupid.  But here we are going to show you some of their...well..."best" picks that will make you a true star of the show.

20. Astronaut

*kzzzz* Mission control, your chucklefuck brother is ready for liftoff *kzzzzz*

Yeah, definitely getting a liftoff from getting a swift kick to his ass.  I don't know why this guy is so friggin' happy to be in that inflatable costume.  Usually very large costumes like that is a sign for "please beat me up".  Its standard rule that if you're going to wear something absurdly large for Halloween, you will get punched, tackled, trampled, set on fire, assaulted, and so on.  Speaking of getting set on fire, Mr. Chucklefuck here will learn the hard way that inflatable costumes are VERY flammable, so don't flick that cigarette.  Better yet...do flick that cigarette towards his direction.

19. The Wizard from Where's Waldo

Looking like a methed-out wizard carrying a barber's pole is probably way down on the list for most wanted Halloween costume.  But dressing up as obscure characters from 30 year old children's book is even lower.  It's like the factory workers for Spirit Halloween ran out of ideas, so they did a "I'm Feeling Lucky" search on Google.  Why anyone would have a burning desire to dress up as the wizard from Where's Waldo is beyond me, but I'm sure you'll feel like a jackass just like this guy when you have to explain to every person you encounter who you're dressed up as.

18. Half-Assed Thor

If you were one of the kids whose parents were really dirt poor or just lazy to give you a decent Halloween costume, then this one is for you.  Relive your tragic childhood when dad was too busy drinking whisky and blowing his money on hookers while neglecting to buy your Halloween costume in time to go trick-or-treating.  That look on Johnny Schmuck's face says it all.  He wants you to take his hammer and bash his skull in to put him out of his misery as a manchild who still can't afford a decent Thor costume.

17. Light-Up Stick Figure

I'm guessing the original intention for this costume is to be some sort of neon-colored stick figure when the lights are turned off.  But considering this would only work if it was absolute pitch-dark, 99.9% of the time you'll look like a creepy-as-fuck Eastern European stalker who's on the prowl for young trick-or-treaters.

16. A Box of Wine

Congratulations!  Your son is a perverted alcoholic!  Did I also mention he's a complete dolt?

15. This is a Costume?

Did you really even attempt to buy a costume?  Because all I see is a $30 t-shirt with...I think...some really god-awful buzzword for sex.  Don't let that fake smug mug fool you.  You know this bastard is crying for help.  He wants the whole world to know that his whole entire modeling career has been riding on this gig with Spirit Halloween and the best he could do is wear a dopey t-shirt.  

14. Q*Bert

Q*Bert was already a sorry, little bastard, so let the whole world know you really are a sorry, little bastard by dressing up as him.  Thankfully this costume makes it easy to get punched in the gut as the hole where the mouth is makes it an extremely easy target.

13. Apu

Spirit Halloween should really subtitle this one, "Or That Simpsons Character Who's Not Politically Correct Anymore and Has Been Hiding in the Darkest Corner of Your Mind".  Every Simpsons fan is torn between seeing Apu as a lovable secondary character or horribly racist, but wearing this will win the argument for those against Apu.

12. A Yellow Shirt (???)

Nice try Spirit.  You thought you could pull a fast one on me by selling this as a "Despicable Me" Halloween t-shirt.  It's a god damned yellow t-shirt, do I really have to say more?

11. Breathalyzer

Lucas was a hit with the ladies when he wore this hilarious and sexy costume at the bar during Halloween.  His dreams were dashed before any of that could happen when a drunken hobo blew into his tube and Lucas contracted fatal herpes.

10. Pumpkin Shirt

Oh look, it's the same nimrod from #15.  He's at least starting to get idea of what a Halloween costume should be, but still fails miserably.  Perhaps this model was born and raised in a country where Halloween is considered satanic and this is the most extreme he could get?  In any case, all he's wearing is a shirt that reinforces his cry for help that yes he is a raging alcoholic and wants to suffocate his liver with vodka on Halloween.

9. The Grim Pedophile

Not sure what Spirit Halloween is trying to convey with this picture.  Is this suppose to be a towering Grim Reaper costume that terrifies children?  Or is this suppose to be the photographer's excuse to throw in a prepubescent girl to show the costume to scale?  In theory it would be cool to have a 10-foot tall Grim Reaper haunting the streets on Halloween.  However, the company wants to make sure that you'll be the creepiest and coolest pedophile on the block.

8. I Give Up

Oh fuck you too.

7. Questionably Racist Mexican

In today's politically correct world pushed to the extreme, anything that's remotely racist is a big fucking problem.  Sure, go ahead and be the life of the party at the frat/sorority house hoopla, but don't come crying to me if someone takes a snapshot of your costume and posts it on Twitter so that social justice warriors will bombard you with death threats.  Also, the costume itself sucks as you're paying $33 for just a blanket.

6. The Easter Bunny 

How cute, the Easter Bunny.  But it's the wrong holiday, asshole.

5. Colonel Sanders

Thanks to you millenials, I don't even know what irony is anymore.  Is the irony you're a rebel-rousing, young adult who hates corporate America but dresses up as a symbol of corporate America?  Is it you're a PETA member that's dressed up as a chicken murderer?  Or is the irony is that you're a walking, talking billboard of a Kentucky Fried Douchebag? 

4. Half-Assed Joker

It's one thing to half-ass dress up as a comic book character.  But it's another thing to half-ass dress up as a comic book character on purpose.  While you can blame DC Comics and Hollywood for not making up their minds on what Joker should look like, there's no excuses for this pathetic display that will more than certainly guarantee a dipshit beatdown.

3. The Tooth Fairy

Wife: "Honey, remember I told you to keep an eye on my father while sitting next to the lead paint chips?

Husband: "Yes."

Wife: "Look what you have done.  You are a terrible husband.  My father ate all the chips and has gone to the deep side.  Putting him in a nursing home is now out of the question.  We have to euthanize him.  

Husband: "My God, what have I done?"

2. Sonic the Impaired Hedgehog

If some of your friends (thankfully) haven't heard of DeviantArt yet, all you need to do is to wear this costume and tell them you're actually dressed up as the notorious website that hosts horrible, terrible artwork of cartoon characters performing weird fetishes.  Otherwise, it's just frightening to even think people really want to dress up as the hideous Sonic the Hedgehog from the new live-action movie.

1. Dragon Balls Man

I wouldn't even be able to tell you what exactly Dragon Ball Z is even if my life depended on it.  The only thing I know about this anime the kids in my class wouldn't stop yapping about is it's a cartoon geared for people who need a really long time to process a story.  In any case, here is a model dressed up as the character "Vegeta" with neon blue hair.  Not only is this model thinking how his life has come to this, but also wondering who the fuck he's suppose to be dressed up as.  Remember that Dragon Ball Z is a anime mostly geared for children 8 to 13, so not all adults will get the hint you're suppose to be a fabulously-dressed disaster.  No longer will you tell yourself, "Boy, do I feel silly," when you wear this costume.  You will now be telling yourself and others, "My life is a mess, please kill me."

5 Reasons Grandpa Joe Is An Absolute Jerk In "Willy Wonka"

Disclaimer: I have not read Roald Dahl's classic novel of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".  But hey, I'm sure there's plenty of people who've seen movies without reading the book in the first place.  And to my understanding, this version of "Willy Wonka" is somewhat faithful to Dahl's novel.

Another Disclaimer: I have not seen Tim Burton's version of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" nor do I have any intention in seeing Johnny Deep dressed up as Prince and Michael Jackson put into one.

Okay, so that's out of the way, let's dig right in and talk about the 1971 family favorite of "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory".  In case if you need a refresher, the story involves a poor boy named Charlie Bucket who lives in the slums with his widowed mother and maternal and paternal grandparents who are "bedridden".  Charlie is the supposed breadwinner of the family as he makes his living being the town's paper boy.  Cutting to the chase, Chuck's dream is to find the Golden Ticket allowing him access to the infamous Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory which he eventually does along with four other spoiled brats who found the other four tickets.

But while the four brats - Veruca Salt, Augustus Gloop, Violet Beauregarde, and Mike Teevee - are suppose to be the annoying ones, there's one character that bugs the crap out of me...Grandpa Joe.

Oh sure; go ahead and feel for the old geezer.  Portrayed by character actor Jack Albertson, Grandpa Joe seems to be a warm, loving grandfather in the beginning despite the fact is (supposedly) bedridden.  But once Charlie finds his Golden Ticket, Grandpa Joe reveals his true identity as a complete asshole.  So here are the top five reasons Grandpa Joe is probably the most despicable character in "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Family".


1. He Doesn't Give a Damn About His Family Except For Chocolate

"Holy shit, a lifetime supply of chocolate?  I'M CURED!"

So the whole family is ecstatic Charlie found the Golden Ticket and is happy for him.  Mom's proud, the grandparents are happy and cheering, and...what's this?  GRANDPA JOE CAN WALK!  MY GOD IT'S A MIRACLE!

Actually, no, wait.  It's not.  All this time Gramps could perfectly stand and walk on his two legs while we were under the impression the old man was just waiting for the Angel of Death while laying in bed for the rest of his life after laying in bed for 20 YEARS.  And he just doesn't walk around after being invited to the Chocolate Factory, he does a complete song and dance routine like he was Dick Van F'N Dyke. 

"I got a Golden Ticket, but piss off, that chocolate is mine!"

What really bothers me about all this is while Charlie is making minimum wage as a paperboy (with this being the 70's, we're talking like the 25 cent per hour range) and Ma Bucket does laundry or something for pennies, Grandpa Joe is really a lazy asshole who is definitely capable finding a job in town and make some decent money to support the family and not live like a third-world impoverished family.  Quite frankly, if I was there, I would have kicked the old bastard out of the house and tell him to go find a job and bring home some money.

In a sane world, the whole Bucket family would have been royally pissed off finding out that Grandpa Joe was faking his disability all along.  But I guess with all the hoopla that Charlie found the Golden Ticket and gets to go to Willy Wonka's factory, that thought sorta slipped their minds.


2. He Almost Gets His Grandson and Himself Killed and Has No Regrets

One reoccurring theme throughout "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" is that the kids would get themselves in trouble and face dire consequences for their actions.  But if you watch the movie, Charlie never really falls into temptation except for swiping some Everlasting Gobstoppers for Slugworth.  In the Bubble Room scene, it wasn't Charlie who was tempted to drink the "Fizzy Lifting Drink", but that old codger Grandpa Joe eggs him on to take a swig with him.  Gee Gramps; don't you know they teach Charlie and the kids in school to NOT succumb to peer pressure?

So anyway, up and away they go like "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" and float away with the bubbles like faeries.  It wouldn't take long for them to figure out they dun goof as a giant, rotating steel fan is at top of the chamber they're floating up in and there seemed like no way out of this predicament.  Then with pure, dumb luck, Grandpa Joe lets out a belch (doesn't even excuse himself that jerk!) and the floating effect reverses.  The two then burp all the way down in a display of bad manners and finally make it back to the ground.

So what does Grandpa Joe say after almost getting the two of them cut up into little pieces?  "C'mon Charlie, let's catch up with the others!"  No apologies, no regrets, no nothing.  This old bastard is determined to get that lifetime supply of chocolate even if it means life or death.

"Say anything to Wonka and I'll fucking shank ya."

3. He Shows No Concern Over the Welfare of Others; Especially Children

If he doesn't give a damn about his family, think we would have care and compassion for others?  Of course not!

Well, maybe the Oompa Loompas though...

At the beginning of the Chocolate Factory tour, it is made known that Grandpa Joe hates kids.  Granted that all of them were brats, notice how none of the other parents brutally berates them.  Props to Say No To Grandpa Joe for properly pointing out moments in the film where Joe shows his bitter side during the tour.  

This old bugger is quite unfazed seeing kids in situations where they'll likely meet their ultimate demise.  For example, when Violet is to the point she's going to explode her guts all over the place as a bursting blueberry, Grandpa Joe just stands there and mutters to himself she got what she deserved.  

He's particularly nasty with Veruca Salt.  Again, while she herself is a no-good, rotten brat, Grandpa Joe is the only one who shreds her to pieces by putting the verbal smack down on her.  When she and her dad fell down the shoot into the incinerator; he was gleeful those two were out of the equation.    

While you can argue Willy Wonka himself didn't show any sign of concern for the misbehaved kids, at least he knew for a fact that they'll be "completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves."  But not Joe Boy, he's just glad every other kid on the tour is presumably dead so he and Charlie can get all the chocolate.  

4. He's Somewhat of a Sexual Deviant

While it may not be so apparent as the others, there's some subliminal moments in the movie Grandpa Joe shows that he is a pervert.  In the scene where they get stuck in the "shrinking room" at the beginning of the tour, Mrs. Teevee screams "Somebody is touching me!"; implying somebody squeezed her ass or something.  As you can see in the image, she gives Gramps a dirty look as he knows the jig is up.   Thankfully, Grandpa Joe keeps his hands to himself for the rest of the tour.

Another subliminal scene takes place in the very beginning of the movie as you see the living arrangements in the Buckets' household.

Now if I didn't know any better, there's something wrong with this picture.  True that the place the Buckets live in is rather small.  But what is up with that bedding arrangement?  Here you have Charlie's maternal and paternal grandparents all cozy up like they're one big, really happy family.  C'mon people, just where the hell are those feet going to?!?  Lord knows what sick perverted games they play when Charlie and Ma Bucket are out of the house.  In case if you haven't figured it out, that's four people sharing one bed. 

Well, on the bright side, at least Grandpa Joe isn't a pedophile or anything like that....

....or maybe not...

5. He's a Filthy, Lying, and Hypocritical Bastard to Willy Wonka

As much as the movie wanted you to think that Slugworth was the main villain in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory", the ending to the film shows that it was Grandpa Joe who's the real villain.

As Grandpa and Charlie are the last "survivors" of the factory tour, Grandpa Joe inquires about the lifetime supply of free chocolate, but Wonka gives them the cold shoulder and shows them the exit.  Infuriated, Gramps storms into Wonka's office to see what the hell is going on.  Of course Mr. Wonka ain't no fool as he tears Grandpa a new one in one of the most memorable lines in film history. 

 

That's right folks; Willy knew what those two were up to earlier on fooling around with that Fizzy Lifting Drink.  And I don't blame him for being pissed off at them.  I too would throw a hissy fit to learn that a dirty, old man like Grandpa Joe was smearing his hands all over my property.  Meanwhile, Gramps plays dumb and demands that they get their fair share of chocolate.  

The ultimate kicker to all this comes when Charlie and Grandpa Joe are about to leave the office and Grandpa says, "I'll get even with him if that's the last thing I'll do" and adds:

TIME. OUT.

Let us flashback to the beginning where Charlie asks Grandpa Joe about the whole deal with Willy Wonka's Factory and Mr. Slugworth.

 

As you can see here, Grandpa tells Charlie that Slugworth is a bad man who can't be trusted at all and wanted Wonka out of business.

Now let's fast-forward to the scene where the kids are about the get Wonka's "secret" candy: an Everlasting Gobstopper.  Wonka goes on to tell them that they can only have one each and not to tell anyone else about them as sharing this secret to Slugworth would put Wonka out of business.  As Wonka passes around the Gobstoppers, Veruca Salt wasn't so subtle in trying to be sneaky, but Grandpa Joe on the other hand....

See that?  Somewhere along in the confusion, Grandpa Joe picks up on what's going on and says Charlie never got a Gobstopper.  Clearly Gramps was in the whole scheme to steal the Everlasting Gobstopper and give it to Slugworth!  Well of course Charlie too, but I got a feeling Joe conned the poor kid in doing it like he did with the Fizzy Lifting Drink.  

Fortunately Charlie has a thing called a "conscience" which his grandfather doesn't have and returns the stolen candy to Wonka.  Wonka congratulates Charlie for being honest, says he won, reveals Slugworth was Wonka's assistant to test the kids' honesty, yada yada, and they all live happily ever after.

But what if Charlie didn't had a change of heart and tried to give the Everlasting Gobstopper to Wonka's assistant?  Tell 'em Willy:

  

In turn, this would have made Grandpa Joe the biggest asshole in the universe and Charlie to never trust that old geezer again.

So in closing, there's been plenty of memorable villains and scumbags in movie history that you love to hate.  You got The Joker, Wicked Witch of the West, Scut Farkus (A Christmas Story), Angel Eyes (Good, Bad, and the Ugly), Agent Smith (The Matrix), and many more.  But in moral perspective, Grandpa Joe takes the cake (or chocolate in this case).

 

Messed Up Episodes From Kids' TV Shows

There was certainly an age of innocence when you were a kid growing up and watching cartoons and TV shows on Nickelodeon.  We laughed, learned, shared, and were entertained by the delightful sights and sounds from our favorite toons.  For example, I was a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan when I was in kindergarten and was obsessed with the cartoon show.  But looking back, I can recall a few moments where cartoon series did a 180 and went all crazy on us.  It's like the show wanted to strip away your innocence for one episode and got all serious with business or it was one big mind fuck.  

I'm not talking about G.I Joe or TMNT getting too violent on us.  Not even Are You Afraid Of The Dark getting extra spooky with clowns.  No, what I'm talking about here are episodes from cartoons and TV shows geared for children that were messed up and have slipped through the cracks.  I'll bet you that a couple of these episodes I'm about to mention have scarred children for life.  We're about to find out that not only did we laugh and learn while watching our TV shows, but we also were terrified and scarred from watching them.


1. Pirates of Dark Water
Episode: A Drop of Darkness (1993)

  
Pirates of Dark Water originally aired as a five-episode miniseries on Fox Kids in 1991.  At the time, it was a pretty ambitious project featuring an all-star cast with the likes of Roddy McDowell and Tim Curry.  Hanna-Barbera actually placed all their chips in to make this a high quality cartoon at the time.  It wasn't long until ABC green-lighted a full Pirates of Dark Water series for their Saturday morning cartoon lineup.  

The basic premise of the show followed a couple of swashbuckling pirates saving the world from disaster by collecting the "13 Lost Treasures" to stop the Dark Water devouring the entire planet.  In this episode, the main hero, Ren, comes across an old broad by the name of Cray.  She apparently was his father's love interest back in the day; so in laments terms, she fucked his dad before meeting his mom.  But that's not the part that's so messed up. 

This Cray broad gets some sort of "Oedipus Rex" complex when she decides to pull off a scheme to get a sample of the Dark Water to make herself young and marry her former lover's son.  So let's think about this for one minute.  Imaging having your dad's mistress come up to you - with the hots for you - and wants you to get her a sample from the East River (the most polluted waterway in North America) so she can turn young again and marry you.      

But the biggest, most messed up part of the episode is when Cray's plan backfires on her and starts to decay and wither right before your eyes.  Who wouldn't have been crept out by a old, sagging lady turning into primordial sludge?  While I don't have a video of her transforming into sludge, I can say it was quite similar to when Donovan took the wrong cup in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the Pirates of Dark Water writers were inspired by that scene.

2. X-Men
Episode: Nightcrawler (1994)

As if you really needed to be told, X-Men of course was a cartoon based on the very same comic book series by Marvel.  The cartoon series was more or less faithful to the comic as it revolved around Wolverine, Cyclops, Professor X, Jean Grey, Storm, Gambit, and a few others.  Whatever other X-Men or mutant that wasn't with the main cast would typically get their own episode such as Colossus and Archangel.  Our blue, teleporting friend Nightcrawler got his own episode, but it was sure a dozy with the whole Jesus thing.

While Nightcrawler's episode did follow the comic with Mystique being his mother and hails from Germany, for some strange reason it looks like the show's writers wanted to get all preachy to the kids and inject some Christian morals and values into the episode.   While the overall theme in the cartoon series was about the struggles and gains of mutants and humans living in harmony, this episode just came out of the blue (no pun intended) with Wolverine questioning his faith in humanity and ends up reading the Bible.  Plus with Nightcrawler all donned up in a monk's outfit at a German monastery and spouting Bible verses, it's almost like this episode was exclusively made for Sunday school.   

The problem about all this is this wasn't being aired on a Christian network or anything like that.  I know The Family Channel had a couple of religious themed cartoons and shows, but Fox Kids wasn't meant to appease the Bible Belt crowd at all.  I don't think Digimon on Fox Kids would have been on the good side of people all worked up on creationism. 

3. Salute Your Shorts
Episode: The Ghost Story (1991)

As a kid, I never went away for summer camp, but I did go to day camp in my town.  Although I can't say what it's like going away to some summer camp out in the woods, I think it's safe to say it's not as fucked up as the one in Salute Your Shorts.

Salute Your Shorts was suppose to be a comedic kids show that involved pranks and mischief by Camp Anawanna campers.  But even right after the very first episode debuted on Nickelodeon, the show's writers wasted no time in scaring the everliving crap out of kids everywhere with the following episode.  Seriously, just take a look at that image.  Zeke the Plumber undoubtedly provided a wealth of nightmare fuel for kids everywhere. 

Even if the visual imagery of Zeke the Plumber wasn't disturbing, his back story was.  So in this Salute Your Shorts episode, the bratty ginger with a mullet known as Budnick tells a ghost story about one Zeke the Plumber.  The story goes that Zeke lost his nose after being attacked by a parrot in the Philippines and then one night he couldn't smell a gas leak and blew himself up.  Only his plunger was left behind and his ghost is wandering around Camp Anawanna looking for it.

If the soulless ginger's ghost story wasn't creepy enough, there were dream sequences involving campers Michael and Tully that were completely messed up as they encountered Zeke the Plumber.

Seriously Nickelodeon, you already had "Are You Afraid of the Dark", why didn't you save Zeke for that?  Way to go in scarring kids for life without warning.


4. Captain N: The Game Master 
Episode: Mr. & Mrs. Mother Brain (1989)

The whole debate on gay marriage never really existed during the 80's, but if this episode of Captain N aired today, there would a whole lot of people buzzing that the producers of the show were supporting (or for against?) gay marriage.

If you read my first blog, then you know Captain N was pretty crappy.  For video game players, it was appalling to see Mega Man as a midget dressed in a green suit and King Hippo from Punch-Out! being blue-skinned with no explanation.  But for this particular episode, it focused on two of the worst characters on the show: Mother Brain and Simon Belmont.  In the original Metroid game for NES, Mother Brain was suppose to be some demonic brain monster trapped inside a vat of goo.  Obviously as the name implies, the final boss of Metroid was female; just like the main protagonist of Metroid, Samus Aran.  However, in Captain N, Mother Brain was Little Richard's enlarged brain wearing eye shadow and lipstick.  As for Simon Belmont of Castlevania fame, he was a badass vampire hunter in the original game.  In the cartoon, he was a big time metrosexual dressed up as a World War I fighter pilot for no apparent reason whatsoever.

So with that in mind, this "special" episode of Captain N deals with Mr. Belmont falling in love with Little Rich--I mean, Mother Brain, after getting shot by Kid Icarus' cupid arrow.  While the cartoon established that Mother Brain was a "she", it's hard to comprehend that when the voice actor for Mother Brain is the same guy who provided the voice of the giant man-eating plant in Little Shop of Horrors and he's doing his best Little Richard impersonation.

Alright, so even if Captain N's version of Mother Brain was voiced by Angelina Jolie, then explain to me how the hell did she and Belmont were able to procreate.  Even though it's a dream sequence, as you can see in the image above, I cannot fully grasp how Simon was able to bump uglies with Ms. Brain and have demonic brain babies.   

5. Super Mario Bros. 3
Episode: Crimes R Us (1990) 

Just like with its sister show, Captain N: The Game Master, Super Mario Bros. 3 had some whacked out plots and storylines.  I'll give credit to the cartoon's producers for at least attempting to stick to the game's settings and characters.  But if you watched the Super Mario Super Show, it should be no surprise SMB3's episodes were pretty insane.  This one in particular was flat out mind blowing with a very dark undertone.

The premise of this episode, "Crimes R Us", involves King Koopa (or Bowser to all you younger gamers out there) going into our world to bring back a notorious criminal to the Mushroom Kingdom to teach his kids, the Koopalings, how to commit crimes.

Now let's pause for a moment and analyze this for one minute.  Imagine having your dad travel back in time or just go to a far away country to bring back a criminal like John Wayne Gacy or Ted Bundy just so they can teach you had to rape, vandalize, murder, and all that good stuff. 

I know Bowser brought back a cat burglar to their kids, but by the looks of what Iggy and Lemmy Koopa are doing to that poor Mushroom Kingdom citizen, looks like he brought back a serial rapist too.      


6. Clarissa Explains It All
Episode: Ferguson Explains It All (1994)

Okay, just a quick background about Clarissa Explains It All.  It originally aired on Nickelodeon on Saturday nights during "Snick"; a lineup of shows more geared towards the preteen crowd.  But that didn't stop me and many other kids under that age limit to tune into Snick every Saturday night.  With that said, Clarissa Explains It All dealt with a teenage Melissa Joan Hart and the zany and wacky adventures of her and her family.  For the most part, it was a lighthearted show with Clarissa's brother, Ferguson, playing the usual antagonist.  Nothing wrong with a little sibling rivalry, right?  

That all came to a screeching halt when Nickelodeon started to advertise "THE DEATH OF FERGUSON" for an upcoming episode of Clarissa Explains It All.  This certainly peaked my interest.  I cannot recall a show back when I was a kid that glorified the death of one of its characters.  I know he was a vile, punk of a ginger brother to Clarissa, but damn, killing him off?  That's pretty damn extreme for a preteen show if you ask me.

So the episode finally came and kids across America tuned in to see "THE DEATH OF FERGUSON".  Funny thing was this episode was actually special.  Instead of Clarissa narrating the show like she usually does, Ferguson has taken over narrating duties as it's now "Ferguson Explains It All".   

The episode started innocently enough with Ferguson purchasing a pair of "hypnotizing" glasses so he can avoid doing chores like washing the dishes and doing the laundry and have his parents take care of the rest.  Clarissa catches on to his little scheme and orders herself some hypnotizing glasses.  So the two siblings face off in a battle of the century with their glasses and next thing you know "BAM!", Ferguson is blasted away into dust.

Now here's where things got truly crazy.  When the dust clears, an angelic version of Ferguson appears and brings Clarissa into the future to see what her action has done to her parents.  Mr. Darling went back to his hippie ways as a way to "grieve" over his son's death.  To Clarissa's surprise, the old man's room was full of weed smoke and partying like Jerry Garcia and his caravan at Bonnaroo.  OK, so he wasn't lighting up the bong on camera, but it's pretty damn obvious he had the munchies while decked out in his favorite Woodstock outfit.  If Clarissa's dad going full druggie, hippie mode didn't irk you enough, then wait till we get to her mom.   

The death of her only son leads Mrs. Darling to...wait for it....CHAIN SMOKING.  The crazy thing about this was the show still maintained a comedic feeling as we see Clarissa's mother smoking about a pack of Camel cigarettes per every two minutes.  I don't know how Nickelodeon was able to get away keeping the canned laughter rolling along as Clarissa's mother is a couple puffs away from full-blown lung cancer.  If this aired today as opposed to 1994, it would be nothing but SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.  But at least the writers didn't make Mrs. Darling a raging alcoholic to grieve Ferguson's death because it flat out would have been serious fucking business even if the show wants to make you believe alcoholism is he-he-larious.

As if this episode of Clarissa Explains It All didn't have enough twists and turns as Lombard Street in San Francisco, the show ends with Clarissa suspecting Ferguson isn't so "angelic" and accuses him being the devil.  Of course, Ferguson messes with her by switching back and forth from being an angel and the devil as we eventually find out that this was all a crazy dream/nightmare Clarissa was having.

To be quite honest, I've never seen a Nickelodeon show go batshit insane as much as this episode of Clarissa Explains It All....but does have me thinking; has Clarissa really explained anything during the entire series?

                
Guess not.


7. Rugrats
Episode: Naked Tommy (1994)

I'm kind of torn when it comes to babies going fully nude like it's nobody's damn business.  Is it cute?  Is it disturbing?  Is it enough to call the police?  In any case, I still think it's pretty messed up to have a talking baby who's hellbent on taking all his clothes off and go the naturism route.

I don't know where to begin on how wrong this episode of Rugrats was.  If you're not bothered by the fact Tommy Pickles wanted to join a nudist colony a the tender age of 1 year old, during a point in the episode, the twins Phil and Lil join in the fun and comment on their different genitalia.  For Christ's sake Nickelodeon, if you really want to teach kids sex education, don't use animated babies.  

Thankfully, Tommy's dad disapproved of his infant son's newly developed love for nudism because let's face it; Stu Pickles is the perfect model for someone who has child porn loaded onto their computer.

8. The World of David the Gnome
Episode: The Mountains of Beyond (1988)

    
Ahhhh...memories.  I clearly can recall being an avid viewer of Nickelodeon at the tender age of 4.  In fact, I can remember during rainy days at pre-K and kindergarten when the teachers brought us to the playroom and put on Nick Jr.  Around lunch time, David the Gnome and Adventures of Little Koala would usually be on.  

But despite all the good time vibes David the Gnome had, the final episode was rather depressing.  I do believe that Nickelodeon never did show the final episode of David the Gnome because it was that heartbreaking.  How heartbreaking was it?  Well, here it goes:

Whether you knew this or not; David the Gnome was based on Dutch children's book "The Secret Book of Gnomes".  The David the Gnome cartoon was very faithful to the book throughout the cartoon series.  So, it wouldn't have be no surprise that the very last episode of the cartoon series involved David and his wife calling it quits and turn into oak trees because their time was up in this world.  What made this final episode rather depressing is that David's faithful fox, Swift, had to witness the couple leaving this world by abandoning him and morphing into trees.  Just hearing the poor fox howl over the "death" of David and his wife would even make a grown man bawl his eyes out.  Oh God, imagine the absolute river of tears by the kids in my classroom if we did watch that final episode...

9. Ren & Stimpy Show
Episode: Prehistoric Stimpy (1994)

You could argue that there's plenty of Ren & Stimpy episodes that belong on this list.  While that may be true, realize that the cartoon was intentionally meant to be obscene.  Yeah, I know it aired on Nickelodeon, but that's what the network wanted -- a completely immature show that stuck to its guns on toilet and butt humor and what not.  Let's face it, the whole show was a bit too raunchy for Nickelodeon.  But the episode in question wasn't so messed up on what was shown...but what was said - "crap".

Dropping the "C" word was a huge deal even for a kid like me back then.  OK, so saying crap isn't as bad as spouting out "fuck" or "shit", but even I knew that's one word you couldn't get away saying in front of your parents as a kid.  It didn't help that Ren & Stimpy was on Sunday mornings and still utter the words "crap" and "crappy" around like it was nothing.  Imagine being a parent coming home from church and seeing your kids see Ren spout out "crap".  It wasn't until after the "Prehistoric Stimpy" episode that Ren and Stimpy would just say crap with no warning.  The butt and toilet humor was somewhat acceptable those day, but swearing in kids' cartoons?  Watch your fucking mouth.

10. The Soupy Sales Show
Episode: New Year's Day (1965)

 
Now we're going way back with this one.  Back in the 50s and 60s, there wasn't much to choose from when it came to live-action TV show for kids.  You pretty much had the choice of Howdy-Dowdy, Bozo the Clown, and Soupy Sales.  However, if you were frightened by ginger marionettes or terrified of clowns, Soupy Sales was your only option.

I got to say, Soupy Sales is one slick bastard.  He managed to get away in having his own TV show while high as a kite made out of hemp.  If you don't believe me, just take at look at the show. 

  

This is no blooper reel or unedited footage.  This was the actual show.  It's quite obvious Soupy Sales influenced current shows like The Soup on E! Newtork and Tosh.O on Comedy Central with the stupid background laughter.  It appears that he improvised throughout the entire show while being either stoned or on ecstasy.  But don't let the happy-go-lucky stoner deceive you.  

This guy was a master manipulator.  It all started on New Year's Day 1965 when Soupy was apparently pissed off he had to go tape an episode the day after New Year's Eve.  I don't blame the guy; who else would want to be called in to work hours after consuming a ludicrous amount of alcohol in the heaviest night of drinking of the year.  So by the end of the show, Soupy delivers a message to all the little good children watching out there to tiptoe to mommy and daddy's bedroom while they're sleeping and then, I quote, "funny green pieces of paper with pictures of U.S. presidents" from their pocketbooks or wallets and mail the money to him.  Anyone over 12 years old would realize Soupy was only screwing around, but the problem was his target audience were those under the age of 12.  For someone who believes in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Boogey Man, you'll sure bet all the good little children watching at home would take Soupy Sales' words by every thread.

   

Before you know it, Soupy started receiving money in the mail and parents were pissed off.  As a result, the station suspended Soupy Sales for two weeks for the money incident. 

Now I don't know for sure if Mr. Sales was really goofing around or was dead serious in manipulating kids.  What's to stop, say, Elmo on Sesame Street from asking all the kids watching Sesame Street to mail him all of mommy and daddy's "happy juice" (liquor) or Dora the Explorer riling up all the Hispanic children to commence "La Revolucion" in kindergarten classes all across America? 

It's plain and simple folks: Soupy Sales played God for a day and that's a scary thing for a kid's show. 


11. Regular Show
Episode: Caffeinated Concert Tickets (2010)

OK, time to hit the fast-forward button and move on to something more recent.  Regular Show falls into the same category as shows like Ren & Stimpy and Adventure Time.  Not necessarily intended for kids considering the show has a "TV-PG" rating, but easily accessible to them given it's on a channel mostly for children (Cartoon Network) and airs during the afternoon hours.

If you've never watched Regular Show before, you definitely should.  It's a really fun show to watch that I wouldn't mind watching on a regular basis (no pun intended).  Pretty much people of all ages can get a kick out of Regular Show whether you're a kid or adult.  But just be careful with the young ones if they come across this particular episode.

The premise of this episode involves Mordecai (the bluejay) and Rigby (raccoon I think?) dealing with a Japanese coffee bean who only says the word...."coffee".  Along the way, the boys try to score some concert tickets from this Japanese coffee bean, but disaster strikes.

  
Magic indeed.

Just imagine little Timmy running up to mom and ask, "If I squeeze my nipples hard enough, will coffee come out?"  The only two answers I could think of is, "Go to your fucking room Timmy" or "well Timmy, let me know if it works so mommy can save money on coffee."


12. My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic
Episode: Party of One (2011)

   

The things I do for you people...

For those of you that haven't been hanging around the Internet lately, there's a whole lot of hoopla going on about the latest incarnation of My Little Pony called "Friendship Is Magic".  I don't know how or I don't know why, but Friendship Is Magic has spawned a rather disturbing cult following.  These so-called "Bronies" have been proclaiming their love for this show similar to fan clubs for Twilight, only that these Bronies are guys between the ages of 14-25.  What's perplexing to me is how the new My Little Pony reached a huge fanbase out of nowhere.  Did Hasbro throw down all its marbles to launch the biggest viral marketing campaign ever seen online?  Were there a legion of young men who had repressed memories of playing with My Little Pony dolls with their sisters when MLP first came out in the 80's?  I guess I'll never know how in the world Friendship Is Magic got a huge following of "Bronies", but I do know this: it's still a kids' TV show after all.

After looking of a list of episodes, I did find one that seemed to be pretty messed up in a nutshell.  In the "Party of One" episode, one of the ponies (Pinkie Pie) wants to have a party with her pony friends a day after just having one.  This filly damn well loves to party; I wouldn't be surprised this little pony drinks like a big horse at the clubs.  But her friends give her the cold shoulder and made "excuses" to get out of the party.

Instead of the stereotypical, sugarcoated moping and crying that her friends abandoned her, Pinkie Pie brings it to a whole new level by becoming "My Little Schizophrenic, Bi-Polar Pony".    

Crap, this kind of nervous breakdown is usually reserved for discussion in high school, but it seems like the makers of Prozac, Xanax, and other mass-marketed psychiatric drugs gave Hasbro money to make this episode.  For a show (intended) for little girls, Hasbro didn't pull any stops for Pinkie Pie's schizophrenia, bi-polar, nervous breakdown moment.  I've seen cartoons before where a character would "snap", but My Little Pony is one of the last cartoons I would expect one of its ponies would experience a psychotic break like a drop of the hat.

Interestingly enough, there is supposedly another episode of Friendship Is Magic where one of the other ponies suffers a mental breakdown, but I'm not gonna cover that one for fear of turning into a "Brony".


 13. The Adventures of Mark Twain
Episode: The Mysterious Stranger (1985)

There's some uncertainity on whether or not The Adventures of Mark Twain claymation movie actually aired on television considering this list is about TV shows for kids.  It's rumored that Nickelodeon did air The Adventures of Mark Twain as a mini-series, but I can neither confirm or deny Nickelodeon actually did so.  However, even if it didn't air on Nickelodeon as a mini-series, there's no question this particular part of the movie in question was truly fucked up for something that's meant for kids.

I talked briefly about the famed claymator Will Vinton in one of my previous posts, I think I should give some more background on Vinton.  Not only did he create the "infamous" Noid commercials for Domino's Pizza, but also commercials for California Raisins, the animated  P.J.'s series featuring the voice of Eddie Murphy, and a couple of Christmas specials.  But his biggest work is Adventures of Mark Twain which came out in theaters in 1985 (and supposedly on TV a few years later).  But before we dive into the "episode" or segment in question, it should be pointed out that the entire film was trippy.  Like the type of movie you feel like you're high on drugs watching it even though you're sober or straight edge.  I don't know if Mr. Twain ever taken any hallucinogenic drugs in his lifetime, but I'm positive Will Vinton was when he made this movie.

  
So the movie is based on the legend that Mark Twain was born when Halley's Comet was in Earth's orbit in 1835 and his desire to die when the comet came back to orbit in 1910.  Strangely enough, Twain passed away a day after Halley's Comet could be seen with the naked eye in the night sky in April 1910.   


I'll try to best explain the plot to Adventures of Mark Twain as sanely as possible, but here it goes.  The film involves Twain himself taking several of his well-known characters including Tom Swayer and Huckleberry Finn on some sort of spaceship and heading into space so Twain can make it in time to get on Halley's Comet and "pass on" from living on Earth.  Yeah, I know it sounds like a movie plot conjoured up by a 5 year old tripping on shrooms, but that's the way it was for the majority of animated films not made by Disney during the 80s.  

As Twain and his troupe travel along in space, there's a couple of scenes that are tied in to several of Twain's works including Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and what brings us here now, The Mysterious Stranger.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO SHOULD NOT BE SEEN BY SMALL CHILDREN OR THOSE WITH HEART CONDITIONS.  I, FAMOUS SHEA, WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND PSYCHOLOGICAL CONSEQUENCES BROUGHT BY WATCHING THIS VIDEO.  VIEWER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED  

 

I warned ya, didn't I?  Allegedly this more-than-disturbing scene was deleted from future showings of Adventures of Mark Twain, but again, I cannot confirm this.  However, if I'm a betting man, I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.


14. Pinwheel
Episode: ALL OF THEM (1977-1989)

Quick, name a TV show that's for children and educational.  More than likely you said Sesame Street and you're absolutely correct.  The brainchild of Jim Henson, Joan Ganz Cooney, and Lloyd Morrisett, Sesame Street has been the reigning king of children's TV shows that teaches how to count, learn the alphabets, and not be a little bastard.  It's amazing how much of a long way Sesame Street has come since it first premiered in 1969 and remains popular to this very day (despite the whole scandal with Elmo getting male hookers and Mitt Romney wanting to kill off Big Bird) after more than 4,000 episodes.

Seeing how insanely popular Sesame Street was, producers everywhere wanted to get a piece of the pie by doing educational TV shows for kids, but could never dethrone Sesame Street's strong grip on E/I shows.  It's like they say, "You can't fight city hall sonny," and Sesame Street is a pretty damn well guarded city hall.

But there was one educational TV show for children that not only wanted a piece of that Sesame Street pie, but the show itself wanted to be exactly like Sesame Street.

      
The premise behind Pinwheel was just as identical to Sesame Street.  It was an educational show geared towards children between the ages of 3 to 7 and featured segments and vignettes of puppets interacting with humans, animation, and stuff you usually find on Sesame Street.  Pinwheel did even have a bit of star power as Bill Cosby had his "Picture Pages" cartoon featured on the show and there were animated shorts featuring the popular British storybook character Paddington Bear.  I should point out that before Nickelodeon was known as "Nickelodeon", the channel was in fact known as "The Pinwheel Network" when the channel first went on air in 1977 before switching over to Nickelodeon in 1979.  

Despite being a ripoff of Sesame Street, Pinwheel had a very good following and lasted for nearly 13 years and produced about 260 episodes.  In fact, I watched Pinwheel more than Sesame Street when I was a toddler in the 80s.  But even with an impressive record, there was one major flaw the show had: the characters.   

Definitely (NOT) Jim Henson and Oscar the Grouch

That's the thing that really bothered me whenever I watched the show; most of the puppets (and upon reflection, also the human actors) creeped the hell out of me.  I can specifically remember waiting in both fear and anxiety whenever certain characters would appear on screen whenever I was watching Pinwheel.  At least Sesame Street didn't try to mess with kids with creepy puppets as I think Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, Elmo, and Cookie Monster weren't as troubling as the puppets on Pinwheel.  To this day I don't know why I kept watching the show even though the characters scared the crap out of me, but I figure I'll go over the cast of characters starting with the least disturbing to the "OMG, kill it with fire" disturbing.

The Hobo Bugs

OK, this I can handle.  The Hobo Bugs were two marionette bugs that would dance and sing around all the time.  I wasn't really bothered by them whenever they showed up usually during the beginning of the show.  Moving on...

 Admiral Bird

Hmmm...I know Pinwheel was suppose to be a Sesame Street knockoff, but I'm not sure Admiral Bird was the producers' answer to Big Bird.  He's not as alarming as the Hobo Bug, but I can see how his flailing arms and legs along with his googly eyes would bother some kids.  Otherwise, not as bad as the other characters that are coming up....

  Ebenezer T. Squint

Yowzas!  Looks like we've just entered dangerous territory here folks.  For some reason, I could have swore Ebenezer was much more scary than this while I was watching as a kid because I thought he was some sort of talking, mutant head of broccoli with beady eyes.  Don't get me wrong; I still see him as a creepy bastard, but not as much anymore.  While Admiral Bird may or may not have been Pinwheel's version of Big Bird, Ebenezer was clearly Pinwheel's version of Oscar the Grouch.  I think what really crept me out as a kid whenever I saw Ebenezer is that he resides in a basement that looks just about the same as my basement (without the so-called "weeds").  As a 4-year-old, I was frightened by the prospect he was gonna pop out of nowhere whenever I went down to the basement.

 

 Plus

Eehhhhhh....now we've probably gone to the second level of Hell.  Either that kid's glasses are broken or he has no trouble at all staring at the angel of death.  Plus, along with his brother Minus (as you'll unfortunately see later on), were another knockoff from Sesame Street as Plus & Minus (get it?) were doppelgangers of Bert & Ernie.  Plus looks like the puppeteer got confused what ethnicity it should be and built it based on his nightmares.  He was particularly disturbing when he was dressed up as an astronaut since that discouraged me to become an astronaut. 

 

  

Coco the Mime

As a kid, I was never bothered by clowns at all.  While I know some people out there who are absolutely frightened by the sight of clowns, I wasn't scared at them at all.  Hell, I wouldn't mind going out to the bar with Pennywise the Clown and buy him a beer.  The same deal with mimes; while they're considered clowns, I wasn't bothered by them either.

So why is Coco way down on the list?  Well, I'm pretty certain a hell of a lot more kids as oppose to me were afraid of clowns back then and are probably still afraid of them this day.  So that had me thinking -- on a scale of 1-10 and you were scared of clowns on a scale of 3, then you were probably scared of mimes on a scale of 11.  Why?  At least you know a clown is nearby with his laughter and honking when a mime creeps up to you without warning.  

Silas the Snail

OK, I don't know if I'm looking at a snail that's suppose to be old or a creepy robot thingamajig that wants to rape you.  It's just the way his elongated neck looks with a disturbing "Humpty Dumpty" head attached to it that gets to me.  To be honest, I rather kiss a regular snail for 1 hour than be in the same room as the Silas the Snail puppet for one second.  I think what makes Silas particularly disturbing are his long arms as it made you assume that he was going to reach out and grab you to his hellish home inside his shell.

 Minus

SWEET JESUS!  I've heard of nightmare fuel, but this bastard right here is a nightmare oil reserve.

The "brother" of Plus, Minus is...well....albino?  There's something definitely unsettling seeing a puppet with bright white hair, big rubbery lips, and eyes that stares into your soul like they're raping you.  I really don't know what they were thinking while creating Minus, but no sane person would think creating a puppet like this would be a good idea for a kid's show.

Luigi O'Brien

Oh God...Oh God....Oh God.....*deep breath*......just....wow.  Not only was Luigi O'Brien one of the creepiest puppets ever made, but perhaps the most racist puppet ever made.  I don't know where the O'Brien came in because I don't remember his accent being Irish, but he certainly fit the bill for the stereotypical Italian guy who runs a fruit and vegetable stand.

At first glance, Luigi looks like a bloated goldfish with Downs syndrome.  He's a true testament that whoever made these puppets was definitely not in the right frame of mind while creating them.  At least it can't get any worse than that....r-right?

 Aurelia

FFFFFUUUUUCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!

THE HORROR...THE HORROR... 

There you have it folks, the source of all my fears and anxiety as a child.  Aurelia is by far the most hideous, terrifying, horrific, and flat out disturbing puppet I have ever seen.  What is bugging the crap out of me is why no one complained to Nickelodeon how creepy the Aurelia puppet was to children and have her removed from Pinwheel for good.  I honestly think what did it in for me was how ridiculously big her head was -- especially for puppet standards.  Even with those hands, the whole "thing" was an abomination and very unsettling.  

I guarantee you that if Pinwheel aired today, Nickelodeon would be in a world of hurt by the thousands and thousands of complaints from parents that Aurelia was creeping their kids out.   So there, Pinwheel was certainly a messed up show from beginning to end thanks to the puppets from Hell.  At least I can now rest easy that the worst is ove.......

15. Peppermint Park

Episode: ALL OF THEM (1987)

Wait....what?

   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!