Top 15 Awful Video Game Based On Films

I figured if I dealt with terrible movie adaptations, then I might as well do video games next. The film and video game industries have the same relationship similar to Israel and Palestine. Film studios think video games are taking away revenue with kids these days staying home and playing their Xbox. So they go off and make shitty movies based off of video games like Super Mario, Street Fighter, Double Dragon, Hitman, and Doom. Meanwhile, video game companies flip the bird back at them by making shitty games based off of movies.

As you'll see, film video games are absolutely no substitute for watching the actual film. There's a whole laundry list of flaws found in these games: numerous glitches and bugs, terrible voice acting from people trying to impersonate the original actors from the film, irrelevant game plots that doesn't even have to do with the movie, and so on.

One thing I wanna point out: not all games based off movies are bad. Gems like Goldeneye 007 and Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay are extreme rarities among a dung field of movie games. However, finding a good video game based on a movie is like finding a needle in a haystack with so much horrible movie games out there.

1. Total Recall (NES)



Broken game is broken. No, literally. Acclaim's Total Recall will always be the poster child of when movie games that get rushed.

Just completing the first level, which is no easy task mind you, shows that the mutant baby freak that resides in that guy's stomach seems perfectly normal compared to what you have to encounter in Level 1. Here's a list of the "enemies" to be on the look out for:

- Pink-suited midgets that drag you into back alleyways for no good reason at all but to jab at your crotch
-Police officers who jump out of second-story windows, while defying gravity
-The pink-suited midget's brother who lives in trashcans and wears sunglasses
-Fists popping out of glory holes (in reality, they look more like dicks trying to molest Arnold)
-An apparently senile old man who drops bombs out a window while getting his training from Dick Dastardly's School of Dastardly Deeds

You wonder why Arnie's mug looks so pissed off every time you get killed in a level. Another huge problem with this "game" is that more than likely you'll encounter multiple bugs and glitches that would render Total Recall unplayable. For example, in one run during the game, the entire level got all seizure like on me and it became impossible to finish the level.

Also, apparently the Total Recall game wanted you to know that Michael Ironsides was immortal alright even when you try to shoot him with a hundred bullets. Hell, even the creepy bastard tried to follow you if you remained idle for a few seconds and killed your ass. I like Michael Ironsides, but I don't think Arnold would have been too intimidated by him if he started to stalk him in real life.

The funny thing about Total Recall is back when it first came out, Acclaim (the game's developer) threw a hissy fit when a game magazine gave it unfavorable reviews and threatened to pull all advertising for its games from the magazine. Luckily, common sense prevailed and no one cared that Acclaim attempted to make such a move because most of their video games sucked.

2. Street Fighter: The Movie (Arcade, Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)



OK folks, try to wrap your head around this one: its a game based off of a movie based off a game in which this particular game copies another game. With me so far?

This atrocity all began when the ever popular Street Fighter II was translated into film that wound up being quite a goofy movie. I'll give the Street Fighter movie credit because it may be corny and cheesy to watch today, but it's not that bad since Jean Cladue Van Damme is just a lovable, wacky old fellow. What I find rather interesting is that Capcom gave the go-ahead to develop an arcade game based on the very movie even though they already have a tremendous fanbase with its own Street Fighter games. My guess is the movie studio behind the Street Fighter insisted they needed a game directly tied to the film.

Instead of Capcom just repackaging their Street Fighter II game for the umpteenth time, they used digital capture images from the film's actors and made it into an arcade game that looked like a complete Mortal Kombat ripoff. To best describe how bad this game was, think of it as Steven Speilberg makes another E.T. movie but replaces all of the actors with Muppets.

And gee, what a coincidence, speaking about E.T....

3. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (Atari 2600)



Where to begin with what could have been the complete downfall of the video game industry itself? Before Nintendo became the leading name in video games, Atari secured it placed in the market as the #1 name in video games even though it was a brand new medium at the time. However, Atari's philosophy during that time was all about "quantity over quality" and it wasn't more truer when they produced the E.T. game for their Atari 2600 systems.

Let's get one thing straight; the E.T. game flat out sucked. There was absolutely no redeeming value found in this torturous wreck. Also, there was no possible way to actually beat this game because the poor alien bastard would get trapped in bottomless pits. Even if there were cheat devices like Game Genie or ProAction back then, it still wouldn't have helped you to get pass the obstacle. Soon, kids cried to their mothers for buying such a cruel game and then the moms returned the game to toy stores across America so they didn't seem like unloving parents.

And speaking about bottomless pits, real life imitated art when Atari was stuck with about 3.5 million copies of the game since no one wanted to buy it or it had been sent back by toy store returns, so they dumped all the remaining copies in a Texas landfill to bury their horrible, horrible mistake.

Unfortunately, even buried some 30 feet underground, the E.T. game had a huge negative effect on the video game industry. Atari lost about $586 million because of the game's failure and ultimately became bankrupt a year later. More importantly, the game left an earth-shattering impact on the video game industry itself in the early 80's as the American video game market crashed and many video game companies went under. It wouldn't be until several years later when video games became big again thanks to Nintendo's NES system.

So think of it as this; imagine each copy of the E.T. game as a piece of turd. Imagine the chaos that would ensue when you pile together 3.5 million pieces of turd.

4. The Addams Family (NES)



I know Gomez Addams was suppose to look like some sort of creepy character as the patriarch of the Addams Family, but with the NES video game, you'll think he looks like a convicted child rapist.

This game based off the 1991 Addams Family movie was definitely a practice in laziness from the game's developer Ocean Software because literally 80% of the game is just the same background and enemies used with different color swaps. Plus, with no real sense of direction throughout this game, you begin to wonder if Ocean were more of a Munsters fan than Addams Family or just didn't give two shits in making this game.

5. Enter the Matrix (PS2, Gamecube, Xbox)



What blows my mind about this dreadful movie video game is that people actually enjoyed this. I understand that Matrix fans are attracted to the fact that this game tied some of the loose ends found in Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, but that is no excuse to play what is considered to be quite a crappy game.

The biggest issue with Enter the Matrix is the various bugs and glitches featured in this game that would make any average gameplayer go fucking nuts. For example, imagine the rage you'll have finding out there's no way to escape being stuck in the wall and have to hit the reset button.

You see that maybe it isn't so bad being captured by machines and used as a battery compared to the god-forsaken Enter the Matrix game.

6. White Men Can't Jump (3DO)



I don't know if it's racist to imply Caucasian males can't play basketball, but in any case, the movie was considered to be good. You can't say the same for the 3DO video game based on White Men Can't Jump since it showed why the 3DO system was a lousy gaming console to begin with.

Think about it -- does it really make sense to bring out a game that involves you, the player, surprising African-American street hoopsters that a white man can jump? I don't know who exactly would be appealed by this 3DO game except for scrawny white boys who got ridiculed on the b-ball court in school. You'd be better off hosting Charles Barkley's Shut Up and Jam! tournaments at your crib than be caught dead playing this poo-poo platter with your buddies.


7. Mean Girls (Nintendo DS)



Hold on, back the fuck up. You're telling me that there's a Mean Girls video game that recently came out even though the original movie came out about 6 years ago. That's just as insane as watching Lindsey Lohan hosting a vodka party with her rehab group.

Don't get too excited though. This game doesn't feature a pre-coked up Lohan prancing around in skimpy outfits with high school girls. The Mean Girls game is nothing more than a cheap Puzzle Quest ripoff that has you matching puzzle pieces, lipsticks, and high heels so that you can hear asinine insults from voice actresses who want to be anywhere else but here. I bet this DS game would have been more successful if it just had Lohan on the cover and the game was actually nothing more than a Photoshopped picture of her being naked.


8. Fight Club (PS2, Xbox)



While I'm just like some of you who loathe hearing pathetic fanboys harp on and on about the Fight Club novel and movie, I rather sit through an all-day discussion about it than play this crappy game. Ironically, the very same fanboys were absolutely horrified to realize that none of those subliminal messages about commercialism can be found in this game. In fact, this video game adaptation delivers the complete opposite message because you have Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst as a playable character in this game along with 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln (WTF?) I'm assuming the only reason the port was ever made was to get back at all those fanboys who kept sending love letters to Chuck Palahniuk.


9. Little Nicky (Game Boy Color)



Adam Sandler is just another example of how bad things can be when you're a former shell of yourself. Nowadays he reminds me of a 40-year-old frat boy who won't leave the fraternity house when everyone else wants him to get the hell out. The 2000 movie, Little Nicky, is just about when audiences realized Sandler is a retard playing a retard. The movie itself was dumb, but the game that came along with was severe mental retardation.

Nintendo's Game Boy was notorious for having multiple crappy movie-based games and this one was no exception. However, what really irks me is that a few game magazines gave it favorable reviews when it came out. My only guess how that could have happened is the reviewers didn't bother to play Game Boy games and just bullshitted about the game based on the movie they saw.


10. Independence Day (Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)



I remember there was a good amount of hype for the ID4 game just like its Hollywood sibling. Now, I know it makes a lot of sense to have a game based on a big budget blockbuster involving fighter planes and alien warships engaging in dogfights, but this was executed rather poorly especially compared to other flying simulator/action games like Warhawk and Ace Combat which did things right. Instead, Independence Day the video game offered tedious game mechanics and dreadful graphics with pixels bleeding all over the place and stages doing disappearing tricks. Imagine flying around hours and hours of trying to figure out what the hell you're suppose to do until you realize it the same god-damn objective you've been doing throughout the game -- blowing up pixelated alien spaceships and other unidentifiable in-game objects.

11. Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green (PC, Xbox)



Wow, was it really hard to make a decent zombie-action game when it's been done about a thousand times already? Apparently the Canucks over at Groove Games thought it was such a difficult task to undertake such a cool concept like George Romero's zombie flicks and ended up shitting out a buggy, glitched-filled game that's 0% fun to play. I could have settled with just a mindless shooting game where you shoot everything that moves, but I've seen modded first-person shooters created by 10 year olds much better than this.


12. Charlie's Angels (Nintendo Gamecube, Playstation 2)



I cannot find any good reason to play this dud. Even if you were a horny teenage boy dealing with puberty, you're better off playing the jiggly-breasts fest of Dead Or Alive than Charlie's Angels.

What amazes me about this game is that for a title that rides on the fact it's a Final Fight with bikini-clad women can still be unplayable. The look on Drew Barrymore's face on the cover looks like she's asking herself, "What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"


13. Friday the 13th (NES)



Wooooo boy, where to begin with this one? The reason this game has stood the test of time is for being an epic failure of a game. Instead of Jason Voorhes being the menacing beast of a serial killer as he is in the movies, this NES port has him as a bumbling idiot wearing purple jammies while brandishing a giant toothbrush. I'll cut the game's makers, LJN, some slack if they did this only to satisfy Nintendo's strict standards and practices, but otherwise it looks like the guys at LJN were watching the wrong movie.


14. Waterworld (Virtual Boy)



Listen folks, with the amount of firepower this bomb of a game based on a bomb of a movie for a bomb of a game system, you have enough to set off 10 atomic bombs. If you happened to overcome the motion sickness of shoving your eyes to a Virtual Boy, then you'll know how ill-conceived the Virtual Boy was. No matter what game you played on it -- even if it was a Super Mario or Zelda game -- you got nothing but the red menace graphics while trying to figure out what in the world is going on.

I guess it's perfectly fitting for a Kevin Costner movie that was a multi-million dollar flop to be featured on a system that was a flop as well.


15. Congo: The Video Game (Sega Saturn)



Remember back in the day when games that featured full-motion video clips screamed "ITS ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING THE MOVIE"? We sure have come a long way buddy.

The biggest flaw about Congo (despite the fact the movie wasn't even that good to begin with) was its blatant use of FMV throughout the game. This Sega-produced game was mostly about scientists, tribesmen, and other casts of characters babbling about diamonds and monkeys while giant black and green pixels attacked you with red and blue squares. If you happen to understand what was actually going on throughout this entire process, please feel free to e-mail to enlighten me.

Top 10 Absolutely Unnecessary Film Adaptations

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Hollywood has officially run out of ideas. By looking last two months alone, about 10 movies were released that were either remakes or based off of something like a comic book or novel. That's about one every week among the 3 or 4 releases they put out every Friday.

Most remakes are bad, but what really irks people the most is what Hollywood decides what they'll make a movie out of. Historically, many films based off of books have been successful, but as people begin to distract themselves with other things like video games and toys, movie studios needed to find a solution. As you'll see here, it's not always a surefire winner if you decide to produce a movie based off a line of slutty toy dolls or unfunny comic strips.

Note: You'll probably notice that I haven't included any movies from notorious German director Uwe Boll. Granted many of his films truly deserve to be on this list, I'd figure I only be beating the far beyond decomposed dead horse by knocking on the poor kraut.

Dis-honorable Mention: No Holds Barred (1989)



Not a direct adaptation, but a more loose adaptation of how things were in the World Wrestling Federation during the late 1980's. In order to appease Hulk Hogan's Jupiter-sized ego, Vince McMahon order a movie to be produced to feature none other than -- who else? -- Hulkster himself. The entire film was written out to be like a typical, cheesy WWF storyline, which isn't necessarily a good thing for a 93 minute movie that's crudely written and features a half-naked Hulk Hogan *shudders*

10. Magic 8 Ball (2011)



Even though its in the beginning stages of filming, this one will definitely be a stinker. I can already see the plot from a mile away: it's about a Magic 8 Ball that predicts the future and comes true! If you didn't see that coming, you must be either under 7 years old or the world's most naive person.

9. Garfield: The Movie (2004)



Jim Davis is one slick bastard. Over the past 30 years, Mr. Davis has disguised a serial novella about a man suffering from a cocktail of schizophrenia, narcissism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression into a comic strip involving a fat cat who likes lasagna. The ever funny Garfield Minus Garfield peels away the skin to show what Garfield's true nature is.

However, the bubble-headed producers at 20th Century Fox never got clued in about this and made a dumb movie that was about "HURRRR DURRRRRRR, WHAT A LAZY CAT, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!11!!" The confusing casting call is what makes the Garfield movie mind numbing. It would've made much more sense to cast Bill Murray as Jon Arbuckle as he better fits the description of a man who suffers such mental and emotional disorders and lives with a cat to channel his emotions towards. But instead, we got the perky as ever Breckin Meyer to play Jon. The only explanation that Meyer got the role is the audience is suppose to believe Jon's awash in prescription medicine to combat his disorders. Also, when the fuck did Jon become a hit with the ladies? If you've followed the comic, you see that no matter what -- even if he pays for sex -- he's still a lonely virgin loser.



8. Bratz (2007)



Don't get me wrong; it's not the notion these dolls are promoting that little girls should dress up like sluts that bothers me the most. What bothers me is kids these days want to have dolls that look like freakish aliens with a tragic botox accident known as their lips. Luckily we're spared the hideousness in form of a live-action movie, but it still preaches that every girl between the ages of 7 and 14 should be a "classy" whore.

7. The Country Bears (2002)



Back in 2001, Disney ordered to have movie adaptations made based on two of their attractions found in Magic Kingdom. One of them was Pirates of the Caribbean, which became a huge success thanks to Johnny Deep's leading role as the lovable Captain Jack Sparrow. Pirates of the Caribbean would spawn several sequels and a huge source of revenue for Disney. The other movie...well, it didn't really get off the ground at all and just faltered big time.

I don't remember much about the Country Bears show in Magic Kingdom, but I think I do recall that it was one of those attractions full of animatronic bears and no one gave a damn about. I think it had to do in part that it was located next door to one of the restaurants and everyone wanted them to shut the hell up so they can eat their rat burgers and greasy fries in peace.

Also, Haley Joel Osment (the kid from Sixth Sense) provided the voice for the lead character as this would be one of his last major role in a movie. Reason why? Puberty has been such a bitch for Haley, I mean take a look at him now...



Don't you just want to punch him in the face? Guess the stress of being in a movie about Disney's least-favorite attraction got to him.


6. Howard the Duck (1986)



This movie would have been off the hook hadn't I been informed this was based off of a Marvel comic book, so no free pass for you! Probably the dumbest character Marvel has created, Howard the Duck is simply a direct ripoff of Donald Duck. While Marvel originally intended Howard the Duck to be all about fun and games with a side of comic relief, a multimillion dollar budget film seemed like a rather odd choice considering this was Marvel's first stab at the film market. That's right; before we all came to love the string of Marvel Comic flicks like Spider Man, X-Men, and Iron Man, Stan Lee and crew chose the anthropomorphic duck to represent the M.

OH, guess who wanted to adapt Howard the Duck into a movie in the first place? George Lucas of course (makes sense).

Interesting Fact: Looks like one of the producers for the movie would totally agreed with my title of "Absolutely Unnecessary Film Adaptation". There is a rumor that Universal Pictures producers Frank Price and Sidney Sheinberg engaged in a fistfight while arguing over which one of them actually green lighted this piece of turd. Only in Hollywood.


5. Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)



I think this one should have been called "My 90 Minutes Back, Where Are You?" Good lord did this adaptation of the classic TV show sucked hard. When you got a cast that consists of Buster Pointdexter, Rosie O'Donnell, Daniel Baldwin, and Fran Drescher; you know you're in for an absolute terrible time in watching Car 54. Joe E. Ross and Fred Gwynne certainly didn't deserve this sort of treatment as you'll probably want to punch babies after sitting through maybe 5 or 10 minutes of this treachery. Hell, this was originally going to be released in 1990, but after Orion Pictures went bankrupt, Car 54 never saw the light of day until 4 years later. Why they didn't just leave it on the shelf is beyond me.

Interesting Fact: Al Lewis (better known as Grandpa Munster) reprised his role from the original show, but he should have done his best Grandpa Munster impersonation and stayed in the casket.




4. It's Pat: The Movie (1994)



If you happen to look up "one-dimensional" in the dictionary, you'd probably find It's Pat: The Movie as one of the definitions.

The whole "Pat" routine by Julia Sweeney is arguably the worst reoccurring sketch in Saturday Night Live's history. You can do so much (or so little) with a premise that involves guessing the character's gender as the entire punchline. It should have been left as a single 5-minute sketch and call it a day, but someone thought it should be brought on as an 80-minute dudfest of a film. I can only recommend this movie if you happen to suffer from severe short-term memory loss.

Interesting Fact: Julia Sweeney now has her own one-woman standup shows which are about her conversion to atheism. I'm guessing with It's Pat: The Movie, she thought there was no god if something like this was allowed to happen.


3. The Cat In The Hat (2004)



Haven't Universal Pictures learned their lesson from the amount of backlash in releasing the terrible How The Grinch Stole Christmas movie in 2000 featuring Jim Carrey? It's one thing to rape the good name of Dr. Seuss, but Universal's Cat In The Hat goes beyond necrophilia.

I'd like to know who exactly thought it was a wise move to bring back the creepy makeup and visuals from the Grinch for The Cat In The Hat. I mean, what came first -- Universal's plan to adapt Dr. Seuss' Cat In The Hat or their insistence to rehire the same production designer from The Grinch?

I'm all for sharing with our kids some of the classics we grew up with, but this will scare them permanently from letting you read any more Dr. Seuss books to them.


2. Super Mario Bros. (1993)



This movie adaptation of the world's most beloved video game franchise beloved is proof some things shouldn't necessarily be produced into a movie just because it made a lot of friggin' money.

Things would have been easier for Hollywood Pictures, the film company who made Super Mario Bros., to have made this one a full-length cartoon and called it a day. But instead, they thought it would be better if they converted Nintendo's benchmark title into a live-action film. The downfall behind that logic is by taking one look at the "plot" behind Super Mario Bros., you'll see that it looks like a one big psychedelic acid trip.

In the Super Mario Bros. game, there's two Italian plumbers from Brooklyn who get transported through plumbing pipes to a far away kingdom inhabited by mushroom people and are called upon to save a princess from a massive turtle-like creature. Also, said plumbers can grow to larger size by ingesting mushrooms and achieve temporary invincibility by touching stars with eyeballs.

Now that's a helluva lot of stuff to digest for an average moviegoer, but Hollywood Pictures made things even worse by taking the game's "plot" and other references from the series and sticking it in a blender. I would love to see the look of Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo's faces when the studio pitched their version of Super Mario Bros. to them.

Interesting Fact: In order to make it through filming, Hoskins and Leguizamo would get drunk before they went to work. Hey, I'd probably do the same thing too if I was put in that situation.


1. The Honeymooners (2005)



Seriously, what the fuck. As a fan of the original Honeymooners sitcom, this blasphemy makes me question if God truly exists. So move over Julia Sweeny, I'm starting my own one-man atheist show.

The biggest problem about this half-baked adaptation is Cedric the Entertainer plays the role of Ralph Krandem who should and only be played by the legendary Jackie Gleason. Cedric the Entertainer is neither funny or entertaining, so I don't how he's been living his lie for such a long time with his title.

The douchebag who directed this, John Schultz, had his first big break by directing "The Making of Jurassic Park". Think about it; if you're head of a movie company and go after a guy who directed a movie about the making of someone else's movie, you've just shown you don't give two shits about the project.

Another asinine thing about this whole disaster was that in order to recapture the charm of 1950s Queens, NY, Paramount Pictures decided it made sense to film on location in Ireland. Yes, Ireland. Reminds me of that time they filmed Scott of the Antarctic at the beach. I'm sure Paramount feared that if they filmed the Honeymooners movie in the States and word got out on the streets; there would be a riot on our hands.

The funny thing about this giant piece of shit movie is if you strip away any reference to The Honeymooners, it would probably be the dullest comedy ever made. Also, most comedies that's suppose to be geared towards black people (in truth, mostly white people enjoy it more) usually fall flat on their face, and this one is no exception. Well, no matter what race, religion, or complexion you are, you'll find this movie to be not funny at all.