With a background in advertising and marketing, I know that it is the most critical thing to have for any business in order to survive. In plain English, it lets you know that "Hey, we're out there, so come on in and buy our stuff." You should know that effective advertising works like a charm and businesses have found success thanks to it.
With millions and millions of advertisements that have come and gone, there are bad ones that stick out to many people's mind and have cost companies dearly. Today we're going to take a look at some of the most "horribly gone wrong" television commercials throughout the history of modern advertising. Trust me, I'm shocked some of these companies remain in business after unleashing these turds, but I'm positive jobs have been lost over these.
Dis-honorable Mention: Eagle Man Car Insurance
It's already been hailed as probably the worst television commercials ever made by many, so I thought it should at least deserve some "recognition". I don't know if it's the two broads all high on weed or the guy dressed up as an eagle shitting on top of a car, but this is certainly a practice in making a hideous TV advertisement.
10. Ball Buster
Remember back in the 70's and 80's when sexually suggestive innuendos weren't as noticeable as it is today? While this commercial for Ball Buster did have some implications with the narrator sounding like Ed McMahon hosting a porn bloopers program, you should realize Meego was marketing this towards kids. Imagine what would happen today if some kid bought a Ball Buster board game to show 'n tell and proudly proclaim, "Last night, I was busting my daddy's balls!" Nothing but comedy and multiple parent-teacher conferences.
9. McDonald's - Dollar Menu
McDonald's isn't the only fast food chain to have done it. Burger King, Taco Bell, Wendy's, Sonic -- just about every purveyor of childhood obesity have featured a $1 menu one time or another. The biggest problem whenever someone tries to promote their dollar menu deals is that we -- the consumer -- are suppose to be in a world of disbelief where the sales tax has been eliminated or everyone has a tax exempt form handy so they don't have to pay tax on their one dollar, thumb-sized burger or two pieces of chicken nuggets.
I love how most of these commercials feature an average schmuck who makes it seem like he hasn't eaten since the Reagen administration and down on his last dollar; even though it looks like he's been to the most recent Abercrombie & Fitch sale. As he mosey on in to his nearest McDonald's, all is right in the world for the schmuck when he discovers the almighty dollar menu.
See, if you want to make the TV commercial more realistic, have the ad feature a homeless guy getting a dollar bill he begged for, go right into a McDonald's and ask for a $1 cheeseburger...only to discover it's all a lie. Afterwards, he goes all apeshit on the staff for failing to understand such a thing as sales tax.
8. Concerned Children's Advertisers - Hip Choice PSA
Back in the 80's, anti-drug commercials were all the rage here in America. Between every commercial block for kids' shows, there was at least one anti-drug ad by the Ad Council who damn sure made you know that drugs were EVIL. I'm guessing that the Ad Council didn't grasp the concept that if I was a drug dealer, I wouldn't necessarily have schoolyard kids as my target demographic.
While it was all harmless fun with American anti-dug commercials, our crazy neighbors to the North had a different idea. They wanted to make sure that the simple mention of the word "drugs" can be terrifying...or the puppeteer the Concern Children's Advertisers hired was on the same pills, heroin, and crack featured on the commercial. Either way, I bet this PSA would make Canadian children shit in their pants entering dark alleyways not so much to encounter drug dealers, but to encounter demonic puppets that swallow souls.
7. Microsoft - Bill and Jerry
Whether you use Microsoft products in stride or just loathe the damn company, everyone can agree that this one made no fucking sense and wasn't even funny at all. I do consider the hit TV show Seinfeld to be one of the best damn sitcoms ever, you need to realize that Bill Gates is no substitute for Larry David or Cosmo Kramer. There was actually some hype leading into the commercial's airing during Super Bowl XLI with this being Gates' public swansong as he teamed up with funnyman Jerry Seinfeld.
Yet, when the commercial finally aired, all we got was Gates and Seinfeld spending the day at the mall, buying shoes, eating churro sticks, and that's it. I think there was suppose to be comedy in there, but all I found was horrible, horrible dry-as-a-desert humor that would make Dennis Miller seem like the world's funniest comedian. Hell, this just makes the ho-hum series finale of Seinfeld seem like the best episode ever.
I believe this was suppose to be a commercial for Windows Vista, but it seems like it shouldn't have been a surprise why Vista sucked when its debut commercial sucked hard.
6. The General Automobile Insurance Services - RV Road Trip
I'm pretty certain we've come quite a long way in using 3D animation in commercials, but how come this looks like this was made by a fledgling animator in art school in the year 1993?
Despite the very amateurish 3D art, this commercial is loaded with "WTF" moments like how does that annoying tart of a softball player use the laptop computer with her baseball glove and what the hell does a poorly animated penguin wearing sunglasses have to do with getting proof of insurance. This commercial will just leave you scratching your head over and over again before you can finally figure out that they're trying to sell car insurance.
5. Sony Playstation 3 - Baby Doll
When you've been in the top of the video game industry for quite some time, there's good reason why Sony would be cocky. They single handedly beat out the competition such as Nintendo and Sega with the release of Sony Playstation 1 and 2 for over a decade. So when it came time to unleash a brand new system for the next generation of consoles in 2006, Sony said "fuck it" and handed its $150 million marketing budget to one of its intern. Little did they realize that the intern was a huge Aphex Twin fan and was a member of the Church of Satan. He got one of his CoS buddies to direct the film while conjuring up the souls of dead babies into this commercial.
I'd like to see what parents thought of this nightmare eye candy with no knowledge of video games at all. They probably were thinking, "Hey mom and dad! Wanna scare the shit out of your kids for eternity?!?! Get the PS3!!!" It looks like people weren't into having something that goes along with a demonic baby robot as Sony tanked in the console wars in last place and Nintendo went on to reclaim its spot as number one.
4. Optimum (Cablevision) Triple Play - Salsa Beach
It's a good idea for companies to target the Spanish demographics with the Hispanic population rising in the U.S. Here in New York, there is quite a large Puerto Rican and Dominican population, so it made sense for Cablevision to tailor its commercial for "Optimum Triple Play" to have a Latin theme behind it. However, even for a Puerto Rican who sure loved their salsa and meringue, you wanted to change the fucking channel because the commercial was that god damn annoying.
Admit it; you were ready to stab yourself in the eardrums when you heard them singing. I can imagine that if the FBI ever needed to get someone to spill the beans, they'd play this pure torture of an advertisement over and over again. By the way, I would've forewarned you about watching the clip, but I felt that all of you should see the amount of torture and rage I had to endure listening to that hole-in-the-wall strip club stripper nasally chant the number to call and yell at Cablevision for putting out such a shitty commercial.
3. Concerned Children's Advertisers - Don't Put It In Your Mouth PSA
I'm a firm believer of Darwinism, so if your kid is stupid enough to be chomping down on some quarters and other shiny objects, let the little bastard choke. Unfortunately, there are some who don't believe in Darwinism and we ended up with this shitstorm of a PSA.
Once again, the Concerned Children's Advertisers committee used the same nightmarish tactics like they did with their Hip Choice anti-drug commercial. Bravo to them if they got children to think to never put random objects in their mouths or disturbing blue puppets will come over to haunt them. Otherwise, I think we should be more concerned about the mental state of the Concerned Children's Advertisers.
2. Nintendo Entertainment System - You Cannot Beat Us
I have a feeling English-speaking countries have a thing of producing TV commercials that's meant to scare the bejesus out of kids. Aired in Australia, Nintendo decided to give kids from the Land Down Under to worry more about playing Nintendo then getting snatched up by a dingo.
While Canada seemed to have more or less the right idea in scaring kids to not do drugs or be a complete moron, the marketers over at the Australian division of Nintendo have it all wrong. How are you able to convince children all across Australia to purchase a brand spanking new Nintendo Entertainment System when your commercial makes it seem like evil 3D characters that want to rape you pop up while you're playing the game? Also, why would I even want to get a video game that you can't win for shit at all when the commercial claims "YOU CANNOT BEAT US"?
I've heard of using reverse psychology in commercials for ironic purposes, but the Aussies working for Nintendo have a whole misunderstanding of it.
1. Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup - Alien
This is wrong.....ALL WRONG. I really don't have much to say, but if I was that kid, I'd call both the national guard and the police if I had a creepy-as-fuck pedophile alien sitting alongside with me at the kitchen table as he lustfully watches me eat my chicken noodle soup. I never knew alien invaders had food fetishes that involves young children. I mean, let's face it; E.T. only came to Earth to fulfill his sick ass fetish involving young boys, bicycles, and Reese's Pieces.
Listing out all sorts of crap.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Top 14 Ridiculously Bad Pro Wrestlers
Back in 1997-2000, I was a huge wrestling fanboy. I remember I would watch both WWF Raw and WCW Nitro religiously every Monday night with wrestlers like Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, Hollywood Hogan, and Goldberg exciting crowds everywhere. Certainly, the "Monday Night Wars" was a great time for pro-wrestling as it not only gave viewers an option to tune to two different shows, but also provided a good level of excitement in a time where taped episodes weren't spoiled online and had some unpredictability behind them. (And yes, I know it's fake.)
Nowadays, it's not as popular as it was with WWE (had to ditch the WWF name in 2002 because the World Wildlife Fund gave the "smackdown" over trademark rights) aiming for a PG-theme and TNA (yes, it's a wrestling company that uses the same friggin' acronym for tits & ass) is just not worth the trouble. However, even before, during, and after the Monday Night Wars era, I do know one thing: there has been a fair share of pro wrestlers who flat out suck.
Whether it was a horrible gimmick like a wrestler dressing up as a Thanksgiving turkey to awful performers who can't work in and outside the ring for shit, there were quite a few individuals that made wrestling unwatchable. Before I was making out this list, I was debating whether to include wrestlers with sucky gimmicks or people who couldn't perform in the ring and raped the English language behind the mic. But I figured "fuck it" and just throw them both in because crap has no limitations.
14. Phantasio (WWF; 1995)
Although he has appeared in about one or two matches in his rather short WWF career, this Phantasio fellow has definitely left a mark on me. Phantasio (aka Harry Del Rios) looks like if Sting and Chuck Zito had a kid and got himself a magician's license. It became apparent he was suppose to be a magician as he hurled confetti and streamers out from his magic wand as he made his way down the ring. Not only that, but he was all tricked out with his own magic hat inside the ring.
To give Phantasio credit, his gimmick wasn't as offensively bad as the other second-job wrestlers that competed in the WWF during 1995 (there were an evil dentist and evil plumber!), but it's his finishing move that will go down as the most absurd move ever: The Magic Wedgie.
Yes folks; Phantasio's finishing move is basically giving his opponent an Ultimate Wedgie to a point where he rips of the opponent's underwear and said opponent would faint from such a magical feat being performed. After his first (and only) televised wrestling match, Phantasio did his favorite Houdini trick and vanished into thin air.
13. Adam "Pacman" Jones (TNA; 2007)
Yes, you're seeing this correctly. I didn't switch over to a "Least Likely Athletes To Be Role Models" list. While serving his season-long suspension from the National Football League, Adam "Pacman" Jones decided to step into the squared circle and join Total Nonstop Action (or TNA *snickers*). Pacman may have gotten the same idea as The Rock, Goldberg, and many other former football players who found success in pro-wrestling, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
So when the contract was signed, Pacman was all set to go for a run for the TNA World Championship...but there was one catch. You see, Pacman still under contract with the Tennessee Titans and there was a clause within his Titans contract that prohibited him for engaging in "physical contact" in TNA. Instead of just throwing him in a managerial role to save him the trouble, TNA insisted he get inside the ring; so lo and behold he went on to become TNA Tag Team champion by beating pro wrestling veterans Kurt Angle and Sting...without lifting a single finger.
Well, actually, he did pull off one offensive move by spray painting Angle's back after the match. Pacman would go on to have a month-long title reign; while along the way, he did get involved in a spot where he made it "rain" money and longtime referee Earl Hebner went on a frenzy in grabbing the money like a Las Vegas stripper. Luckily, no innocent bystanders were harmed this time around. To give Pacman credit, at least he's not the worst football player-turned-pro wrestler as you'll see later on...
12. Ted Arcidi (WWF; 1985-1987)
Don't get me wrong: unless I had some fucking deathwish, I would DEFINITELY not want to piss off this guy inside a bar and get beaten into a coma. Arcidi was a legitimate tough guy in his prime as he has bench pressed over 700 pounds and made a name for himself in powerlifting. But for one thing, Arcidi is living proof in pro wrestling that just because you got the looks, doesn't mean you got the goods. As Gorilla Monsoon best puts it, watching Arcidi wrestle was like waiting for rigor mortis to set in. This guy had no clue what he was doing inside the ring and always got winded after a minute has passed in the match. Hell, watching him move is like watching a sloth try to win a damn marathon.
11. Heidenreich (WWE; 2003-2005)
A lot can be said about John Heidenreich's run in the WWE, but no matter where you look at, they all sucked.
Before making his debut, there was a rumor going around that Heidenreich's gimmick was going to be a frozen Nazi thawed out to wreck havoc in the WWE. Knowing Vince McMahon, I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. Thankfully, good taste prevailed (for the time being though) when John Heidenreich debuted as just a regular joe trying to make it to the top with his "Little John". Now, we never quite learned what his "Little John" was -- probably just a pet name for his dick -- as he was way too green in the ring and almost nearly damn killed Stevie Richards in botching his moves.
So Heidenreich got shipped down to the minor leagues to brush up on his in-ring skills for about a year and returned as a psychopathic lunatic who loved to give...poetry? Yes, the crazed poet laureate in the making would deliver his works of art before beating down his opponents. The coup-de-grace came during an episode of WWE Smackdown when Heidenreich abducted play-by-play announcer Michael Cole in the middle of broadcast and preceded to rape him. Of course I'm being serious.
In order to win over fans, Heidenreich then developed a love and appreciation for children that matched of one from a pedophile. Believe it or not, people actually got behind him for his efforts, not being troubled by his actions at all. Hell, by around the end of his WWE run, he was awarded for all his humanitarian and artistic musings by becoming the newest member of the Legion of Doom. I'm sure Road Warrior Animal spun all the way around his grave when that occurred.
While Heidenreich hasn't been seen in WWE for awhile, he will however go down as the greatest poetic, pedophile Road Warrior rapist of all time.
10. Tank Abbott (WCW; 1999-2000)
Ask any sports fan today and they will tell you mixed-martial arts (MMA) is a hot commodity these days. Thanks to UFC stepping up its game, fans all over the world have gotten into the sport and it certainly has taken a bit of WWE's thunder away. Hell, even pro wrestlers like Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashely have jumped ship from WWE to MMA to find success in mixed-martial arts.
But that wasn't the case ten years ago. MMA was in the early stages of blowing up onto the scene, so a good number of MMA fighters took part in pro wrestling to pay them bills. Ex-UFC champ Ken Shamrock had relative success while wrestling for WWF in the late 90's, so WCW decided to take a page from WWF's book and bring in one David Lee "Tank" Abbott.
Like with Arcidi, I would never want to get on Abbott's wrong side. But as he was suppose to be one of the toughest suvofabitch, the dude wasn't quite the sharpest knife in the drawer. As it became clear he looked like a bumbling fool in the ring, Abbott was pulled back into the undercard before he even got a main event push. His WCW career can best be highlighted as becoming the lead groupie for the boy band tag team, 3 Count. Think about it; that's like watching Kimbo Slice prancing around on-stage during a Justin Bieber concert. Perhaps Abbott was a huge Backstreet Boys and N*Sync fan, but otherwise I'll never know how the hell he agreed to stick with that.
9. Greg Gagne (AWA; 1980's)
If you happen to live in the Minnesota area or know a great deal of pro wrestling history, then you know Verne Gagne is one of the biggest legends in pro wrestling. Before World Wrestling Federation dominated the scene, there was the American Wrestling Association which was perhaps one of the biggest wrestling companies at that time. So with Verne passing the torch to his son, Greg, during AWA's prime, you figured it be like the saying, "Like father, like son," right?
The problem with Greg Gagne is that he looked like a total dweeb and far from being an actual wrestler. Watching him wrestle was like watching the President of the High School Chess Team step into the ring and take on the likes of Blackjack Lanza, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Plus, with his dad calling the shots in AWA, Greg was elevated to main event status and headlined shows.
Around the mid 1980's, someone figured Greg had to "toughen up", so he was paired up with the one and only Sgt. Slaughter for some boot campin' as if it was all set up like Greg was going to become the newest member of G.I. Joe. Can you imagine some nerd joining the elite ranks of Joes like Snake Eyes, Hawk, and Gung-Ho and taking down Cobra? I think not.
Like father, like son? More like...
8. Dave "Evad" Sullivan (WCW; 1994-1995)
For those of you who bore witness to Hulk Hogan's early years in WCW, you know how ridiculously bad it was with the types of gimmicks and story lines that took place during that time with Hulkster in control. This was one of the byproducts of Hogan's backstage power.
Dave (or Evad because he's, you know, dyslexic) came roaring onto the scene when Hogan made his WCW debut in 1994 and the lovable tard established himself as the "World's Biggest Hulk Hogan Fan". Talk about art imitating life. Like a Special Olympian getting a chance to spend a day with his hero, Evad would pair up with Hogan and Sting to fend off his evil brother, Kevin Sullivan and the Dungeon of Doom. When in the ring, the dyslexic one would wrestle on the same level like he would trying to pass a 3rd grade English exam. I should mention he was voted "Worst Wrestler" two years in a row from 1993 to 1994.
Oh, the highlight of his career came when he feuded with Diamond Dallas Page and DDP stole his pet rabbit and killed it. I'd tell you more about it, but just recalling this stupid angle will give migraines.
7. The Yeti (WCW; 1995)
Another WCW Hulkster byproduct that really reeks of shit. No really, it does smell like shit. Why else would Ron Reis be covered in toilet paper that looks like been stained with dog shit?
As if Hulk Hogan wasn't satisfied enough by bodyslamming Andre the Giant, Hogan bought in Paul Wight as The Giant to feud along with him like it was "Hogan-Andre II". The height of their battle occurred during Halloween Havoc '95 when both the Hulkster and Giant, aka Big Show, faced each other in a "Sumo Monster Truck Battle" which saw the two of them drive trucks on top of the Cobo Hall arena in Detroit; which I like to know how the hell they managed to get those trucks on top of the roof. Anyway, after a couple of retarded moments like Hogan pushing Giant off the roof and presumably killing him, Hogan was set up for an attack by the YET-TAYYYY and both Giant and Yeti went on to gang rape him. Once again, I am being serious.
Look kids, rape may not be funny...unless it occurs in pro wrestling.
6. El Gigante/Giant Gonzales (WCW/WWF; 1990-1991, 1992-1993)
It's kind of a rarity for a pro wrestler to suck up the joint in not one wrestling company, but two. Jorge Gonzalez was an Argentinian basketball star that was drafted by the Atlanta Hawks in 1989. Thanks to billionaire Ted Turner, who happened to own both the Hawks and Dubya-See-Dubya at the time, Gonzalez was given a career change and ended up lacing up dem wrasslin' boots as "El Gigante". Certainly he was a skyscraper while measuring over 7 feet tall, but that seemed like to be the only thing he got going on for him. He no sold moves and couldn't even perform the most basic of wrestling moves like the arm toss and kicks. While WCW did give him a main event push, they saw the writing on the wall that he really couldn't wrestle for jack shit and released him.
However, in an odd move, WWF came calling and decided to give Gonzalez another chance. But for some reason, Vince McMahon came up with a "brilliant" plan to make the tall, but scrawny Argentinian look stronger by placing him in a bodysuit with airbrushed muscle lines and patches of hair glued onto it.
OK, OK...hold up. Just WHAT THE FUCK is that?!?! That's sure gotta be the biggest and hairiest gooch I've ever seen. I'd like to see the look on Undertaker's face when he took one good look at Gonzalez's monstrous bush at Wrestlemania. Even with a suit that made him look like the world's tallest transgender Amazonian, Giant Gonzalez's feud with Taker was considered to be the worst feud of 1993 and the last feud he's been in.
5. Jenna Morasca (TNA; 2009)
I think it should be common knowledge by now that just because you appeared on a reality TV show doesn't automatically mean you're now a celebrity. For no good reason whatsoever, TNA decided to bring in former Survivor contestant Jenna Morasca to start a feud with Booker T's wife, Sharmell...which makes me wonder; would that make her Mrs. T?
Anyway, a match was signed for TNA Victory Road '09 between the two and the best way how this match went down was like watching a orphanage burn down after a bus full of nuns crashed into it. This by all means was the worst wrestling match you'll ever witness.
In most cases, all (or most) is forgiven if the two female wrestlers fighting are hot, but with a good look at Morasca's Arby's Roast Beef Curtain Sandwich as she got into the ring, that unfortunately wasn't the case. What we got was 8 minutes of pure torture that was topped off by god awful offensive by Morasca's pansy slaps. I should mention that people actually paid 50 hard-earned dollars to watch this on pay-per-view. Imaging blowing $500 on buying a cold remedy that's suppose to cure everything; only to find out it's just hobo's piss.
Thankfully on TNA's part, Morasca was never seen in another match and her contract was terminated two weeks later. But what's scary is to think that people could have wasted 50 more dollars with the possibility of another Jenna Morasca PPV match.
4. Uncle Elmer (WWF; 1985-1986)
I think it's safe to say that rednecks all around love pro wrestling. How else can you explain how Stone Cold Steve Austin, the self-proclaimed Bionic Redneck, became so friggin' popular in the WWF? But before Vince McMahon made Stone Cold a representative of the redneck population, McMahon did something similar back in the mid 80's by trying to appease the "other" redneck; hillbillies.
While Austin easily clicked with the rednecks, not so much with the hillbillies as we were introduced to a gang of hillbillies led by the one and only Uncle Elmer. This country bumpkin managed to shit up television sets all across the country as he was likely to be on Saturday Night Main Event nine times out of ten during the mid 80's. In fact, Uncle Elmer's chance in the spotlight came during an episode where the whole entire show was devoted to the wedding ceremony between Elmer and his lovely bride, Buddy Hackett in drag. The audience loathed the whole thing and started throwing garbage at the newly weds.
As for his wrestling goes, Uncle Elmer was like watching two people dressed up in those sumo suits bounce into each other on bar night. I don't know if he was tanked up on moonshine, but Elmer's match with Adrian Adonis (stuck with a gay flower shop owner gimmick) in Wrestlemania 2 was a mess.
3. Goobledy Gooker (WWF; 1990)
It's a fucking Thanksgiving turkey that wrestles, NEED I SAY MORE?
2. Zeus (WWF; 1989-1990)
If you've followed my blog before, then you already know about the atrocity of the No Holds Barred movie featuring Hulk Hogan. B-movie veteran Tiny Lister took on the role of antagonist ZEEEEEEEEEUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS (as Vince McMahon would announce him) in No Holds Barred and actually appeared in WWF to wrestle in a couple of matches. But hold on one second. Instead of facing off with Hulkster in order to promote No Holds Barred, he showed up AFTER the movie was released in theaters. Plus, with the video release of No Holds Barred far away, I would consider Zeus' appearance in the WWF as sort of a "post" promotion for the movie release.
A thing to realize about WWF is that Vince McMahon loved big, muscular men; even if they had no business to be in the ring. Zeus was such the case. In the grand scheme of things, McMahon envisioned Zeus to be headlining the main event at Wrestlemania VI against Hulk Hogan. But seeing how Zeus only knew two wrestling moves, the bear hug and illegal chokehold, McMahon was stuck with a flop that's worth $500K. He would be limited to doing only run-ins and managerial roles during his time in WWF. When he actually got in the ring to wrestling, he would be paired up with someone else like Randy Savage or Ted DiBiase to do all the work for him.
As much as I like Tiny Lister as an actor, the thought of witnessing a 30-minute match between Zeus and Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI makes you wonder if that could have been the worst Wrestlemania match ever.
1. Steve "Mongo" McMichael (WCW; 1995-1999)
As you've probably figured out by now with this list, chances are pretty high that you'll suck as a pro-wrestler if you came from a second background like acting, football, power-lifting, and so on. If there was one person who really should have stuck to their day job, Chicago Bears lineman Steve "Mongo" McMichael takes the cake.
McMichael first dabbled in pro-wrestling back in early 1995 as part of Lawrence Taylor's entourage in his Wrestlemania XI main event match against Bam Bam Bigelow. It appeared he had a blast getting involved with pro wrestling, so he headed down to Georgia and signed a hefty contract with WCW. As the Monday Night Wars officially began with the debut of WCW Nitro, someone thought it would be a wonderful idea to feature McMichael as a part of the announce team. Here's where we get the first taste of the atrotious shit storm known as "Mongo". (Just watch the intro)
Those with English majors would go into epileptic seizures by hearing Mongo's raping of the English language. It was both funny and pathetic at the same time to hear him insult Bobby "The Brain" Heenan when he was only insulting himself whenever he opened his mouth. Hell, the way he called the action in the ring would make Evad Sullivan seem like the captain of the Harvard debate team.
After failing to pronounce big words like "magnificent" and "athlete", McMichael finally got his chance to shine in the WCW ring by 1996....did I say shine? I meant fuck up royally.
Yes, Mongo wasn't the best of performers in professional wrestling. There wouldn't be a Steve "Mongo" Michael match without him messing up at least one or two moves. I know actions speak louder than words, so here's a sample of Mongo McMichael in action:
During the height of his WCW career, McMichael managed to bring some of his NFL buddies in to help shit things up in the ring. With the likes of Kevin Greene and Reggie White, it seemed like half of NFL's roster began to show up in WCW. With Mongo in the wings, he made sure that his matches with NFL talent were embarassingly bad.
However, if there is one thing we can all thank Mongo for, that would be getting Goldberg into WCW and go on his monstrous undefeated streak and become the top dog in the company. BUT not before Mongo wrestled him in one of Mongo's crappiest matches.
Perhaps his biggest moment in his wrestling career was his induction to the Four Horsemen group. Now for you wrestling fans out there, I know that's something you cannot possible stomach. Here was a man who had difficulty with phonics and delivered sloppy matches become a part of a group of legendary wrestlers like Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, and Tully Blanchard. To give McMichael credit, at least he wasn't the worst Four Hoursemen member (that dubious honor goes to Paul Roma).
His WCW career was coming to a close in 1999 as the WCW roster was already bloated to the rim and it was time to let him go of his contract. In order to write him off, the WCW writing team gave him a "valiant" sendoff.
Yeah, that was pretty damn stupid. Having the Hulkster finish you off by throwing water from a janitor's mop bucket is like an entire accumulation of Steve "Mongo" McMichael's professional wrestling career. So here's to you Mongo; for giving us reason to believe you are the most ridiculously bad pro wrestler ever.
Nowadays, it's not as popular as it was with WWE (had to ditch the WWF name in 2002 because the World Wildlife Fund gave the "smackdown" over trademark rights) aiming for a PG-theme and TNA (yes, it's a wrestling company that uses the same friggin' acronym for tits & ass) is just not worth the trouble. However, even before, during, and after the Monday Night Wars era, I do know one thing: there has been a fair share of pro wrestlers who flat out suck.
Whether it was a horrible gimmick like a wrestler dressing up as a Thanksgiving turkey to awful performers who can't work in and outside the ring for shit, there were quite a few individuals that made wrestling unwatchable. Before I was making out this list, I was debating whether to include wrestlers with sucky gimmicks or people who couldn't perform in the ring and raped the English language behind the mic. But I figured "fuck it" and just throw them both in because crap has no limitations.
14. Phantasio (WWF; 1995)
Although he has appeared in about one or two matches in his rather short WWF career, this Phantasio fellow has definitely left a mark on me. Phantasio (aka Harry Del Rios) looks like if Sting and Chuck Zito had a kid and got himself a magician's license. It became apparent he was suppose to be a magician as he hurled confetti and streamers out from his magic wand as he made his way down the ring. Not only that, but he was all tricked out with his own magic hat inside the ring.
To give Phantasio credit, his gimmick wasn't as offensively bad as the other second-job wrestlers that competed in the WWF during 1995 (there were an evil dentist and evil plumber!), but it's his finishing move that will go down as the most absurd move ever: The Magic Wedgie.
Yes folks; Phantasio's finishing move is basically giving his opponent an Ultimate Wedgie to a point where he rips of the opponent's underwear and said opponent would faint from such a magical feat being performed. After his first (and only) televised wrestling match, Phantasio did his favorite Houdini trick and vanished into thin air.
13. Adam "Pacman" Jones (TNA; 2007)
Yes, you're seeing this correctly. I didn't switch over to a "Least Likely Athletes To Be Role Models" list. While serving his season-long suspension from the National Football League, Adam "Pacman" Jones decided to step into the squared circle and join Total Nonstop Action (or TNA *snickers*). Pacman may have gotten the same idea as The Rock, Goldberg, and many other former football players who found success in pro-wrestling, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
So when the contract was signed, Pacman was all set to go for a run for the TNA World Championship...but there was one catch. You see, Pacman still under contract with the Tennessee Titans and there was a clause within his Titans contract that prohibited him for engaging in "physical contact" in TNA. Instead of just throwing him in a managerial role to save him the trouble, TNA insisted he get inside the ring; so lo and behold he went on to become TNA Tag Team champion by beating pro wrestling veterans Kurt Angle and Sting...without lifting a single finger.
Well, actually, he did pull off one offensive move by spray painting Angle's back after the match. Pacman would go on to have a month-long title reign; while along the way, he did get involved in a spot where he made it "rain" money and longtime referee Earl Hebner went on a frenzy in grabbing the money like a Las Vegas stripper. Luckily, no innocent bystanders were harmed this time around. To give Pacman credit, at least he's not the worst football player-turned-pro wrestler as you'll see later on...
12. Ted Arcidi (WWF; 1985-1987)
Don't get me wrong: unless I had some fucking deathwish, I would DEFINITELY not want to piss off this guy inside a bar and get beaten into a coma. Arcidi was a legitimate tough guy in his prime as he has bench pressed over 700 pounds and made a name for himself in powerlifting. But for one thing, Arcidi is living proof in pro wrestling that just because you got the looks, doesn't mean you got the goods. As Gorilla Monsoon best puts it, watching Arcidi wrestle was like waiting for rigor mortis to set in. This guy had no clue what he was doing inside the ring and always got winded after a minute has passed in the match. Hell, watching him move is like watching a sloth try to win a damn marathon.
11. Heidenreich (WWE; 2003-2005)
A lot can be said about John Heidenreich's run in the WWE, but no matter where you look at, they all sucked.
Before making his debut, there was a rumor going around that Heidenreich's gimmick was going to be a frozen Nazi thawed out to wreck havoc in the WWE. Knowing Vince McMahon, I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. Thankfully, good taste prevailed (for the time being though) when John Heidenreich debuted as just a regular joe trying to make it to the top with his "Little John". Now, we never quite learned what his "Little John" was -- probably just a pet name for his dick -- as he was way too green in the ring and almost nearly damn killed Stevie Richards in botching his moves.
So Heidenreich got shipped down to the minor leagues to brush up on his in-ring skills for about a year and returned as a psychopathic lunatic who loved to give...poetry? Yes, the crazed poet laureate in the making would deliver his works of art before beating down his opponents. The coup-de-grace came during an episode of WWE Smackdown when Heidenreich abducted play-by-play announcer Michael Cole in the middle of broadcast and preceded to rape him. Of course I'm being serious.
In order to win over fans, Heidenreich then developed a love and appreciation for children that matched of one from a pedophile. Believe it or not, people actually got behind him for his efforts, not being troubled by his actions at all. Hell, by around the end of his WWE run, he was awarded for all his humanitarian and artistic musings by becoming the newest member of the Legion of Doom. I'm sure Road Warrior Animal spun all the way around his grave when that occurred.
While Heidenreich hasn't been seen in WWE for awhile, he will however go down as the greatest poetic, pedophile Road Warrior rapist of all time.
10. Tank Abbott (WCW; 1999-2000)
Ask any sports fan today and they will tell you mixed-martial arts (MMA) is a hot commodity these days. Thanks to UFC stepping up its game, fans all over the world have gotten into the sport and it certainly has taken a bit of WWE's thunder away. Hell, even pro wrestlers like Brock Lesnar and Bobby Lashely have jumped ship from WWE to MMA to find success in mixed-martial arts.
But that wasn't the case ten years ago. MMA was in the early stages of blowing up onto the scene, so a good number of MMA fighters took part in pro wrestling to pay them bills. Ex-UFC champ Ken Shamrock had relative success while wrestling for WWF in the late 90's, so WCW decided to take a page from WWF's book and bring in one David Lee "Tank" Abbott.
Like with Arcidi, I would never want to get on Abbott's wrong side. But as he was suppose to be one of the toughest suvofabitch, the dude wasn't quite the sharpest knife in the drawer. As it became clear he looked like a bumbling fool in the ring, Abbott was pulled back into the undercard before he even got a main event push. His WCW career can best be highlighted as becoming the lead groupie for the boy band tag team, 3 Count. Think about it; that's like watching Kimbo Slice prancing around on-stage during a Justin Bieber concert. Perhaps Abbott was a huge Backstreet Boys and N*Sync fan, but otherwise I'll never know how the hell he agreed to stick with that.
9. Greg Gagne (AWA; 1980's)
If you happen to live in the Minnesota area or know a great deal of pro wrestling history, then you know Verne Gagne is one of the biggest legends in pro wrestling. Before World Wrestling Federation dominated the scene, there was the American Wrestling Association which was perhaps one of the biggest wrestling companies at that time. So with Verne passing the torch to his son, Greg, during AWA's prime, you figured it be like the saying, "Like father, like son," right?
The problem with Greg Gagne is that he looked like a total dweeb and far from being an actual wrestler. Watching him wrestle was like watching the President of the High School Chess Team step into the ring and take on the likes of Blackjack Lanza, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig, and Jesse "The Body" Ventura. Plus, with his dad calling the shots in AWA, Greg was elevated to main event status and headlined shows.
Around the mid 1980's, someone figured Greg had to "toughen up", so he was paired up with the one and only Sgt. Slaughter for some boot campin' as if it was all set up like Greg was going to become the newest member of G.I. Joe. Can you imagine some nerd joining the elite ranks of Joes like Snake Eyes, Hawk, and Gung-Ho and taking down Cobra? I think not.
Like father, like son? More like...
8. Dave "Evad" Sullivan (WCW; 1994-1995)
For those of you who bore witness to Hulk Hogan's early years in WCW, you know how ridiculously bad it was with the types of gimmicks and story lines that took place during that time with Hulkster in control. This was one of the byproducts of Hogan's backstage power.
Dave (or Evad because he's, you know, dyslexic) came roaring onto the scene when Hogan made his WCW debut in 1994 and the lovable tard established himself as the "World's Biggest Hulk Hogan Fan". Talk about art imitating life. Like a Special Olympian getting a chance to spend a day with his hero, Evad would pair up with Hogan and Sting to fend off his evil brother, Kevin Sullivan and the Dungeon of Doom. When in the ring, the dyslexic one would wrestle on the same level like he would trying to pass a 3rd grade English exam. I should mention he was voted "Worst Wrestler" two years in a row from 1993 to 1994.
Oh, the highlight of his career came when he feuded with Diamond Dallas Page and DDP stole his pet rabbit and killed it. I'd tell you more about it, but just recalling this stupid angle will give migraines.
7. The Yeti (WCW; 1995)
Another WCW Hulkster byproduct that really reeks of shit. No really, it does smell like shit. Why else would Ron Reis be covered in toilet paper that looks like been stained with dog shit?
As if Hulk Hogan wasn't satisfied enough by bodyslamming Andre the Giant, Hogan bought in Paul Wight as The Giant to feud along with him like it was "Hogan-Andre II". The height of their battle occurred during Halloween Havoc '95 when both the Hulkster and Giant, aka Big Show, faced each other in a "Sumo Monster Truck Battle" which saw the two of them drive trucks on top of the Cobo Hall arena in Detroit; which I like to know how the hell they managed to get those trucks on top of the roof. Anyway, after a couple of retarded moments like Hogan pushing Giant off the roof and presumably killing him, Hogan was set up for an attack by the YET-TAYYYY and both Giant and Yeti went on to gang rape him. Once again, I am being serious.
Look kids, rape may not be funny...unless it occurs in pro wrestling.
6. El Gigante/Giant Gonzales (WCW/WWF; 1990-1991, 1992-1993)
It's kind of a rarity for a pro wrestler to suck up the joint in not one wrestling company, but two. Jorge Gonzalez was an Argentinian basketball star that was drafted by the Atlanta Hawks in 1989. Thanks to billionaire Ted Turner, who happened to own both the Hawks and Dubya-See-Dubya at the time, Gonzalez was given a career change and ended up lacing up dem wrasslin' boots as "El Gigante". Certainly he was a skyscraper while measuring over 7 feet tall, but that seemed like to be the only thing he got going on for him. He no sold moves and couldn't even perform the most basic of wrestling moves like the arm toss and kicks. While WCW did give him a main event push, they saw the writing on the wall that he really couldn't wrestle for jack shit and released him.
However, in an odd move, WWF came calling and decided to give Gonzalez another chance. But for some reason, Vince McMahon came up with a "brilliant" plan to make the tall, but scrawny Argentinian look stronger by placing him in a bodysuit with airbrushed muscle lines and patches of hair glued onto it.
OK, OK...hold up. Just WHAT THE FUCK is that?!?! That's sure gotta be the biggest and hairiest gooch I've ever seen. I'd like to see the look on Undertaker's face when he took one good look at Gonzalez's monstrous bush at Wrestlemania. Even with a suit that made him look like the world's tallest transgender Amazonian, Giant Gonzalez's feud with Taker was considered to be the worst feud of 1993 and the last feud he's been in.
5. Jenna Morasca (TNA; 2009)
I think it should be common knowledge by now that just because you appeared on a reality TV show doesn't automatically mean you're now a celebrity. For no good reason whatsoever, TNA decided to bring in former Survivor contestant Jenna Morasca to start a feud with Booker T's wife, Sharmell...which makes me wonder; would that make her Mrs. T?
Anyway, a match was signed for TNA Victory Road '09 between the two and the best way how this match went down was like watching a orphanage burn down after a bus full of nuns crashed into it. This by all means was the worst wrestling match you'll ever witness.
In most cases, all (or most) is forgiven if the two female wrestlers fighting are hot, but with a good look at Morasca's Arby's Roast Beef Curtain Sandwich as she got into the ring, that unfortunately wasn't the case. What we got was 8 minutes of pure torture that was topped off by god awful offensive by Morasca's pansy slaps. I should mention that people actually paid 50 hard-earned dollars to watch this on pay-per-view. Imaging blowing $500 on buying a cold remedy that's suppose to cure everything; only to find out it's just hobo's piss.
Thankfully on TNA's part, Morasca was never seen in another match and her contract was terminated two weeks later. But what's scary is to think that people could have wasted 50 more dollars with the possibility of another Jenna Morasca PPV match.
4. Uncle Elmer (WWF; 1985-1986)
I think it's safe to say that rednecks all around love pro wrestling. How else can you explain how Stone Cold Steve Austin, the self-proclaimed Bionic Redneck, became so friggin' popular in the WWF? But before Vince McMahon made Stone Cold a representative of the redneck population, McMahon did something similar back in the mid 80's by trying to appease the "other" redneck; hillbillies.
While Austin easily clicked with the rednecks, not so much with the hillbillies as we were introduced to a gang of hillbillies led by the one and only Uncle Elmer. This country bumpkin managed to shit up television sets all across the country as he was likely to be on Saturday Night Main Event nine times out of ten during the mid 80's. In fact, Uncle Elmer's chance in the spotlight came during an episode where the whole entire show was devoted to the wedding ceremony between Elmer and his lovely bride, Buddy Hackett in drag. The audience loathed the whole thing and started throwing garbage at the newly weds.
As for his wrestling goes, Uncle Elmer was like watching two people dressed up in those sumo suits bounce into each other on bar night. I don't know if he was tanked up on moonshine, but Elmer's match with Adrian Adonis (stuck with a gay flower shop owner gimmick) in Wrestlemania 2 was a mess.
3. Goobledy Gooker (WWF; 1990)
It's a fucking Thanksgiving turkey that wrestles, NEED I SAY MORE?
2. Zeus (WWF; 1989-1990)
If you've followed my blog before, then you already know about the atrocity of the No Holds Barred movie featuring Hulk Hogan. B-movie veteran Tiny Lister took on the role of antagonist ZEEEEEEEEEUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS (as Vince McMahon would announce him) in No Holds Barred and actually appeared in WWF to wrestle in a couple of matches. But hold on one second. Instead of facing off with Hulkster in order to promote No Holds Barred, he showed up AFTER the movie was released in theaters. Plus, with the video release of No Holds Barred far away, I would consider Zeus' appearance in the WWF as sort of a "post" promotion for the movie release.
A thing to realize about WWF is that Vince McMahon loved big, muscular men; even if they had no business to be in the ring. Zeus was such the case. In the grand scheme of things, McMahon envisioned Zeus to be headlining the main event at Wrestlemania VI against Hulk Hogan. But seeing how Zeus only knew two wrestling moves, the bear hug and illegal chokehold, McMahon was stuck with a flop that's worth $500K. He would be limited to doing only run-ins and managerial roles during his time in WWF. When he actually got in the ring to wrestling, he would be paired up with someone else like Randy Savage or Ted DiBiase to do all the work for him.
As much as I like Tiny Lister as an actor, the thought of witnessing a 30-minute match between Zeus and Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania VI makes you wonder if that could have been the worst Wrestlemania match ever.
1. Steve "Mongo" McMichael (WCW; 1995-1999)
As you've probably figured out by now with this list, chances are pretty high that you'll suck as a pro-wrestler if you came from a second background like acting, football, power-lifting, and so on. If there was one person who really should have stuck to their day job, Chicago Bears lineman Steve "Mongo" McMichael takes the cake.
McMichael first dabbled in pro-wrestling back in early 1995 as part of Lawrence Taylor's entourage in his Wrestlemania XI main event match against Bam Bam Bigelow. It appeared he had a blast getting involved with pro wrestling, so he headed down to Georgia and signed a hefty contract with WCW. As the Monday Night Wars officially began with the debut of WCW Nitro, someone thought it would be a wonderful idea to feature McMichael as a part of the announce team. Here's where we get the first taste of the atrotious shit storm known as "Mongo". (Just watch the intro)
Those with English majors would go into epileptic seizures by hearing Mongo's raping of the English language. It was both funny and pathetic at the same time to hear him insult Bobby "The Brain" Heenan when he was only insulting himself whenever he opened his mouth. Hell, the way he called the action in the ring would make Evad Sullivan seem like the captain of the Harvard debate team.
After failing to pronounce big words like "magnificent" and "athlete", McMichael finally got his chance to shine in the WCW ring by 1996....did I say shine? I meant fuck up royally.
Yes, Mongo wasn't the best of performers in professional wrestling. There wouldn't be a Steve "Mongo" Michael match without him messing up at least one or two moves. I know actions speak louder than words, so here's a sample of Mongo McMichael in action:
During the height of his WCW career, McMichael managed to bring some of his NFL buddies in to help shit things up in the ring. With the likes of Kevin Greene and Reggie White, it seemed like half of NFL's roster began to show up in WCW. With Mongo in the wings, he made sure that his matches with NFL talent were embarassingly bad.
However, if there is one thing we can all thank Mongo for, that would be getting Goldberg into WCW and go on his monstrous undefeated streak and become the top dog in the company. BUT not before Mongo wrestled him in one of Mongo's crappiest matches.
Perhaps his biggest moment in his wrestling career was his induction to the Four Horsemen group. Now for you wrestling fans out there, I know that's something you cannot possible stomach. Here was a man who had difficulty with phonics and delivered sloppy matches become a part of a group of legendary wrestlers like Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, and Tully Blanchard. To give McMichael credit, at least he wasn't the worst Four Hoursemen member (that dubious honor goes to Paul Roma).
His WCW career was coming to a close in 1999 as the WCW roster was already bloated to the rim and it was time to let him go of his contract. In order to write him off, the WCW writing team gave him a "valiant" sendoff.
Yeah, that was pretty damn stupid. Having the Hulkster finish you off by throwing water from a janitor's mop bucket is like an entire accumulation of Steve "Mongo" McMichael's professional wrestling career. So here's to you Mongo; for giving us reason to believe you are the most ridiculously bad pro wrestler ever.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Top 15 Awful Video Game Based On Films
I figured if I dealt with terrible movie adaptations, then I might as well do video games next. The film and video game industries have the same relationship similar to Israel and Palestine. Film studios think video games are taking away revenue with kids these days staying home and playing their Xbox. So they go off and make shitty movies based off of video games like Super Mario, Street Fighter, Double Dragon, Hitman, and Doom. Meanwhile, video game companies flip the bird back at them by making shitty games based off of movies.
As you'll see, film video games are absolutely no substitute for watching the actual film. There's a whole laundry list of flaws found in these games: numerous glitches and bugs, terrible voice acting from people trying to impersonate the original actors from the film, irrelevant game plots that doesn't even have to do with the movie, and so on.
One thing I wanna point out: not all games based off movies are bad. Gems like Goldeneye 007 and Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay are extreme rarities among a dung field of movie games. However, finding a good video game based on a movie is like finding a needle in a haystack with so much horrible movie games out there.
1. Total Recall (NES)
Broken game is broken. No, literally. Acclaim's Total Recall will always be the poster child of when movie games that get rushed.
Just completing the first level, which is no easy task mind you, shows that the mutant baby freak that resides in that guy's stomach seems perfectly normal compared to what you have to encounter in Level 1. Here's a list of the "enemies" to be on the look out for:
You wonder why Arnie's mug looks so pissed off every time you get killed in a level. Another huge problem with this "game" is that more than likely you'll encounter multiple bugs and glitches that would render Total Recall unplayable. For example, in one run during the game, the entire level got all seizure like on me and it became impossible to finish the level.
Also, apparently the Total Recall game wanted you to know that Michael Ironsides was immortal alright even when you try to shoot him with a hundred bullets. Hell, even the creepy bastard tried to follow you if you remained idle for a few seconds and killed your ass. I like Michael Ironsides, but I don't think Arnold would have been too intimidated by him if he started to stalk him in real life.
The funny thing about Total Recall is back when it first came out, Acclaim (the game's developer) threw a hissy fit when a game magazine gave it unfavorable reviews and threatened to pull all advertising for its games from the magazine. Luckily, common sense prevailed and no one cared that Acclaim attempted to make such a move because most of their video games sucked.
2. Street Fighter: The Movie (Arcade, Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)
OK folks, try to wrap your head around this one: its a game based off of a movie based off a game in which this particular game copies another game. With me so far?
This atrocity all began when the ever popular Street Fighter II was translated into film that wound up being quite a goofy movie. I'll give the Street Fighter movie credit because it may be corny and cheesy to watch today, but it's not that bad since Jean Cladue Van Damme is just a lovable, wacky old fellow. What I find rather interesting is that Capcom gave the go-ahead to develop an arcade game based on the very movie even though they already have a tremendous fanbase with its own Street Fighter games. My guess is the movie studio behind the Street Fighter insisted they needed a game directly tied to the film.
Instead of Capcom just repackaging their Street Fighter II game for the umpteenth time, they used digital capture images from the film's actors and made it into an arcade game that looked like a complete Mortal Kombat ripoff. To best describe how bad this game was, think of it as Steven Speilberg makes another E.T. movie but replaces all of the actors with Muppets.
And gee, what a coincidence, speaking about E.T....
3. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (Atari 2600)
Where to begin with what could have been the complete downfall of the video game industry itself? Before Nintendo became the leading name in video games, Atari secured it placed in the market as the #1 name in video games even though it was a brand new medium at the time. However, Atari's philosophy during that time was all about "quantity over quality" and it wasn't more truer when they produced the E.T. game for their Atari 2600 systems.
Let's get one thing straight; the E.T. game flat out sucked. There was absolutely no redeeming value found in this torturous wreck. Also, there was no possible way to actually beat this game because the poor alien bastard would get trapped in bottomless pits. Even if there were cheat devices like Game Genie or ProAction back then, it still wouldn't have helped you to get pass the obstacle. Soon, kids cried to their mothers for buying such a cruel game and then the moms returned the game to toy stores across America so they didn't seem like unloving parents.
And speaking about bottomless pits, real life imitated art when Atari was stuck with about 3.5 million copies of the game since no one wanted to buy it or it had been sent back by toy store returns, so they dumped all the remaining copies in a Texas landfill to bury their horrible, horrible mistake.
Unfortunately, even buried some 30 feet underground, the E.T. game had a huge negative effect on the video game industry. Atari lost about $586 million because of the game's failure and ultimately became bankrupt a year later. More importantly, the game left an earth-shattering impact on the video game industry itself in the early 80's as the American video game market crashed and many video game companies went under. It wouldn't be until several years later when video games became big again thanks to Nintendo's NES system.
So think of it as this; imagine each copy of the E.T. game as a piece of turd. Imagine the chaos that would ensue when you pile together 3.5 million pieces of turd.
4. The Addams Family (NES)
I know Gomez Addams was suppose to look like some sort of creepy character as the patriarch of the Addams Family, but with the NES video game, you'll think he looks like a convicted child rapist.
This game based off the 1991 Addams Family movie was definitely a practice in laziness from the game's developer Ocean Software because literally 80% of the game is just the same background and enemies used with different color swaps. Plus, with no real sense of direction throughout this game, you begin to wonder if Ocean were more of a Munsters fan than Addams Family or just didn't give two shits in making this game.
5. Enter the Matrix (PS2, Gamecube, Xbox)
What blows my mind about this dreadful movie video game is that people actually enjoyed this. I understand that Matrix fans are attracted to the fact that this game tied some of the loose ends found in Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, but that is no excuse to play what is considered to be quite a crappy game.
The biggest issue with Enter the Matrix is the various bugs and glitches featured in this game that would make any average gameplayer go fucking nuts. For example, imagine the rage you'll have finding out there's no way to escape being stuck in the wall and have to hit the reset button.
You see that maybe it isn't so bad being captured by machines and used as a battery compared to the god-forsaken Enter the Matrix game.
6. White Men Can't Jump (3DO)
I don't know if it's racist to imply Caucasian males can't play basketball, but in any case, the movie was considered to be good. You can't say the same for the 3DO video game based on White Men Can't Jump since it showed why the 3DO system was a lousy gaming console to begin with.
Think about it -- does it really make sense to bring out a game that involves you, the player, surprising African-American street hoopsters that a white man can jump? I don't know who exactly would be appealed by this 3DO game except for scrawny white boys who got ridiculed on the b-ball court in school. You'd be better off hosting Charles Barkley's Shut Up and Jam! tournaments at your crib than be caught dead playing this poo-poo platter with your buddies.
7. Mean Girls (Nintendo DS)
Hold on, back the fuck up. You're telling me that there's a Mean Girls video game that recently came out even though the original movie came out about 6 years ago. That's just as insane as watching Lindsey Lohan hosting a vodka party with her rehab group.
Don't get too excited though. This game doesn't feature a pre-coked up Lohan prancing around in skimpy outfits with high school girls. The Mean Girls game is nothing more than a cheap Puzzle Quest ripoff that has you matching puzzle pieces, lipsticks, and high heels so that you can hear asinine insults from voice actresses who want to be anywhere else but here. I bet this DS game would have been more successful if it just had Lohan on the cover and the game was actually nothing more than a Photoshopped picture of her being naked.
8. Fight Club (PS2, Xbox)
While I'm just like some of you who loathe hearing pathetic fanboys harp on and on about the Fight Club novel and movie, I rather sit through an all-day discussion about it than play this crappy game. Ironically, the very same fanboys were absolutely horrified to realize that none of those subliminal messages about commercialism can be found in this game. In fact, this video game adaptation delivers the complete opposite message because you have Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst as a playable character in this game along with 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln (WTF?) I'm assuming the only reason the port was ever made was to get back at all those fanboys who kept sending love letters to Chuck Palahniuk.
9. Little Nicky (Game Boy Color)
Adam Sandler is just another example of how bad things can be when you're a former shell of yourself. Nowadays he reminds me of a 40-year-old frat boy who won't leave the fraternity house when everyone else wants him to get the hell out. The 2000 movie, Little Nicky, is just about when audiences realized Sandler is a retard playing a retard. The movie itself was dumb, but the game that came along with was severe mental retardation.
Nintendo's Game Boy was notorious for having multiple crappy movie-based games and this one was no exception. However, what really irks me is that a few game magazines gave it favorable reviews when it came out. My only guess how that could have happened is the reviewers didn't bother to play Game Boy games and just bullshitted about the game based on the movie they saw.
10. Independence Day (Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)
I remember there was a good amount of hype for the ID4 game just like its Hollywood sibling. Now, I know it makes a lot of sense to have a game based on a big budget blockbuster involving fighter planes and alien warships engaging in dogfights, but this was executed rather poorly especially compared to other flying simulator/action games like Warhawk and Ace Combat which did things right. Instead, Independence Day the video game offered tedious game mechanics and dreadful graphics with pixels bleeding all over the place and stages doing disappearing tricks. Imagine flying around hours and hours of trying to figure out what the hell you're suppose to do until you realize it the same god-damn objective you've been doing throughout the game -- blowing up pixelated alien spaceships and other unidentifiable in-game objects.
11. Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green (PC, Xbox)
Wow, was it really hard to make a decent zombie-action game when it's been done about a thousand times already? Apparently the Canucks over at Groove Games thought it was such a difficult task to undertake such a cool concept like George Romero's zombie flicks and ended up shitting out a buggy, glitched-filled game that's 0% fun to play. I could have settled with just a mindless shooting game where you shoot everything that moves, but I've seen modded first-person shooters created by 10 year olds much better than this.
12. Charlie's Angels (Nintendo Gamecube, Playstation 2)
I cannot find any good reason to play this dud. Even if you were a horny teenage boy dealing with puberty, you're better off playing the jiggly-breasts fest of Dead Or Alive than Charlie's Angels.
What amazes me about this game is that for a title that rides on the fact it's a Final Fight with bikini-clad women can still be unplayable. The look on Drew Barrymore's face on the cover looks like she's asking herself, "What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"
13. Friday the 13th (NES)
Wooooo boy, where to begin with this one? The reason this game has stood the test of time is for being an epic failure of a game. Instead of Jason Voorhes being the menacing beast of a serial killer as he is in the movies, this NES port has him as a bumbling idiot wearing purple jammies while brandishing a giant toothbrush. I'll cut the game's makers, LJN, some slack if they did this only to satisfy Nintendo's strict standards and practices, but otherwise it looks like the guys at LJN were watching the wrong movie.
14. Waterworld (Virtual Boy)
Listen folks, with the amount of firepower this bomb of a game based on a bomb of a movie for a bomb of a game system, you have enough to set off 10 atomic bombs. If you happened to overcome the motion sickness of shoving your eyes to a Virtual Boy, then you'll know how ill-conceived the Virtual Boy was. No matter what game you played on it -- even if it was a Super Mario or Zelda game -- you got nothing but the red menace graphics while trying to figure out what in the world is going on.
I guess it's perfectly fitting for a Kevin Costner movie that was a multi-million dollar flop to be featured on a system that was a flop as well.
15. Congo: The Video Game (Sega Saturn)
Remember back in the day when games that featured full-motion video clips screamed "ITS ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING THE MOVIE"? We sure have come a long way buddy.
The biggest flaw about Congo (despite the fact the movie wasn't even that good to begin with) was its blatant use of FMV throughout the game. This Sega-produced game was mostly about scientists, tribesmen, and other casts of characters babbling about diamonds and monkeys while giant black and green pixels attacked you with red and blue squares. If you happen to understand what was actually going on throughout this entire process, please feel free to e-mail to enlighten me.
As you'll see, film video games are absolutely no substitute for watching the actual film. There's a whole laundry list of flaws found in these games: numerous glitches and bugs, terrible voice acting from people trying to impersonate the original actors from the film, irrelevant game plots that doesn't even have to do with the movie, and so on.
One thing I wanna point out: not all games based off movies are bad. Gems like Goldeneye 007 and Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay are extreme rarities among a dung field of movie games. However, finding a good video game based on a movie is like finding a needle in a haystack with so much horrible movie games out there.
1. Total Recall (NES)
Broken game is broken. No, literally. Acclaim's Total Recall will always be the poster child of when movie games that get rushed.
Just completing the first level, which is no easy task mind you, shows that the mutant baby freak that resides in that guy's stomach seems perfectly normal compared to what you have to encounter in Level 1. Here's a list of the "enemies" to be on the look out for:
- Pink-suited midgets that drag you into back alleyways for no good reason at all but to jab at your crotch
-Police officers who jump out of second-story windows, while defying gravity
-The pink-suited midget's brother who lives in trashcans and wears sunglasses
-Fists popping out of glory holes (in reality, they look more like dicks trying to molest Arnold)
-An apparently senile old man who drops bombs out a window while getting his training from Dick Dastardly's School of Dastardly Deeds
-Police officers who jump out of second-story windows, while defying gravity
-The pink-suited midget's brother who lives in trashcans and wears sunglasses
-Fists popping out of glory holes (in reality, they look more like dicks trying to molest Arnold)
-An apparently senile old man who drops bombs out a window while getting his training from Dick Dastardly's School of Dastardly Deeds
You wonder why Arnie's mug looks so pissed off every time you get killed in a level. Another huge problem with this "game" is that more than likely you'll encounter multiple bugs and glitches that would render Total Recall unplayable. For example, in one run during the game, the entire level got all seizure like on me and it became impossible to finish the level.
Also, apparently the Total Recall game wanted you to know that Michael Ironsides was immortal alright even when you try to shoot him with a hundred bullets. Hell, even the creepy bastard tried to follow you if you remained idle for a few seconds and killed your ass. I like Michael Ironsides, but I don't think Arnold would have been too intimidated by him if he started to stalk him in real life.
The funny thing about Total Recall is back when it first came out, Acclaim (the game's developer) threw a hissy fit when a game magazine gave it unfavorable reviews and threatened to pull all advertising for its games from the magazine. Luckily, common sense prevailed and no one cared that Acclaim attempted to make such a move because most of their video games sucked.
2. Street Fighter: The Movie (Arcade, Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)
OK folks, try to wrap your head around this one: its a game based off of a movie based off a game in which this particular game copies another game. With me so far?
This atrocity all began when the ever popular Street Fighter II was translated into film that wound up being quite a goofy movie. I'll give the Street Fighter movie credit because it may be corny and cheesy to watch today, but it's not that bad since Jean Cladue Van Damme is just a lovable, wacky old fellow. What I find rather interesting is that Capcom gave the go-ahead to develop an arcade game based on the very movie even though they already have a tremendous fanbase with its own Street Fighter games. My guess is the movie studio behind the Street Fighter insisted they needed a game directly tied to the film.
Instead of Capcom just repackaging their Street Fighter II game for the umpteenth time, they used digital capture images from the film's actors and made it into an arcade game that looked like a complete Mortal Kombat ripoff. To best describe how bad this game was, think of it as Steven Speilberg makes another E.T. movie but replaces all of the actors with Muppets.
And gee, what a coincidence, speaking about E.T....
3. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (Atari 2600)
Where to begin with what could have been the complete downfall of the video game industry itself? Before Nintendo became the leading name in video games, Atari secured it placed in the market as the #1 name in video games even though it was a brand new medium at the time. However, Atari's philosophy during that time was all about "quantity over quality" and it wasn't more truer when they produced the E.T. game for their Atari 2600 systems.
Let's get one thing straight; the E.T. game flat out sucked. There was absolutely no redeeming value found in this torturous wreck. Also, there was no possible way to actually beat this game because the poor alien bastard would get trapped in bottomless pits. Even if there were cheat devices like Game Genie or ProAction back then, it still wouldn't have helped you to get pass the obstacle. Soon, kids cried to their mothers for buying such a cruel game and then the moms returned the game to toy stores across America so they didn't seem like unloving parents.
And speaking about bottomless pits, real life imitated art when Atari was stuck with about 3.5 million copies of the game since no one wanted to buy it or it had been sent back by toy store returns, so they dumped all the remaining copies in a Texas landfill to bury their horrible, horrible mistake.
Unfortunately, even buried some 30 feet underground, the E.T. game had a huge negative effect on the video game industry. Atari lost about $586 million because of the game's failure and ultimately became bankrupt a year later. More importantly, the game left an earth-shattering impact on the video game industry itself in the early 80's as the American video game market crashed and many video game companies went under. It wouldn't be until several years later when video games became big again thanks to Nintendo's NES system.
So think of it as this; imagine each copy of the E.T. game as a piece of turd. Imagine the chaos that would ensue when you pile together 3.5 million pieces of turd.
4. The Addams Family (NES)
I know Gomez Addams was suppose to look like some sort of creepy character as the patriarch of the Addams Family, but with the NES video game, you'll think he looks like a convicted child rapist.
This game based off the 1991 Addams Family movie was definitely a practice in laziness from the game's developer Ocean Software because literally 80% of the game is just the same background and enemies used with different color swaps. Plus, with no real sense of direction throughout this game, you begin to wonder if Ocean were more of a Munsters fan than Addams Family or just didn't give two shits in making this game.
5. Enter the Matrix (PS2, Gamecube, Xbox)
What blows my mind about this dreadful movie video game is that people actually enjoyed this. I understand that Matrix fans are attracted to the fact that this game tied some of the loose ends found in Matrix Reloaded and Matrix Revolutions, but that is no excuse to play what is considered to be quite a crappy game.
The biggest issue with Enter the Matrix is the various bugs and glitches featured in this game that would make any average gameplayer go fucking nuts. For example, imagine the rage you'll have finding out there's no way to escape being stuck in the wall and have to hit the reset button.
You see that maybe it isn't so bad being captured by machines and used as a battery compared to the god-forsaken Enter the Matrix game.
6. White Men Can't Jump (3DO)
I don't know if it's racist to imply Caucasian males can't play basketball, but in any case, the movie was considered to be good. You can't say the same for the 3DO video game based on White Men Can't Jump since it showed why the 3DO system was a lousy gaming console to begin with.
Think about it -- does it really make sense to bring out a game that involves you, the player, surprising African-American street hoopsters that a white man can jump? I don't know who exactly would be appealed by this 3DO game except for scrawny white boys who got ridiculed on the b-ball court in school. You'd be better off hosting Charles Barkley's Shut Up and Jam! tournaments at your crib than be caught dead playing this poo-poo platter with your buddies.
7. Mean Girls (Nintendo DS)
Hold on, back the fuck up. You're telling me that there's a Mean Girls video game that recently came out even though the original movie came out about 6 years ago. That's just as insane as watching Lindsey Lohan hosting a vodka party with her rehab group.
Don't get too excited though. This game doesn't feature a pre-coked up Lohan prancing around in skimpy outfits with high school girls. The Mean Girls game is nothing more than a cheap Puzzle Quest ripoff that has you matching puzzle pieces, lipsticks, and high heels so that you can hear asinine insults from voice actresses who want to be anywhere else but here. I bet this DS game would have been more successful if it just had Lohan on the cover and the game was actually nothing more than a Photoshopped picture of her being naked.
8. Fight Club (PS2, Xbox)
While I'm just like some of you who loathe hearing pathetic fanboys harp on and on about the Fight Club novel and movie, I rather sit through an all-day discussion about it than play this crappy game. Ironically, the very same fanboys were absolutely horrified to realize that none of those subliminal messages about commercialism can be found in this game. In fact, this video game adaptation delivers the complete opposite message because you have Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst as a playable character in this game along with 16th President of the United States Abraham Lincoln (WTF?) I'm assuming the only reason the port was ever made was to get back at all those fanboys who kept sending love letters to Chuck Palahniuk.
9. Little Nicky (Game Boy Color)
Adam Sandler is just another example of how bad things can be when you're a former shell of yourself. Nowadays he reminds me of a 40-year-old frat boy who won't leave the fraternity house when everyone else wants him to get the hell out. The 2000 movie, Little Nicky, is just about when audiences realized Sandler is a retard playing a retard. The movie itself was dumb, but the game that came along with was severe mental retardation.
Nintendo's Game Boy was notorious for having multiple crappy movie-based games and this one was no exception. However, what really irks me is that a few game magazines gave it favorable reviews when it came out. My only guess how that could have happened is the reviewers didn't bother to play Game Boy games and just bullshitted about the game based on the movie they saw.
10. Independence Day (Playstation 1, Sega Saturn)
I remember there was a good amount of hype for the ID4 game just like its Hollywood sibling. Now, I know it makes a lot of sense to have a game based on a big budget blockbuster involving fighter planes and alien warships engaging in dogfights, but this was executed rather poorly especially compared to other flying simulator/action games like Warhawk and Ace Combat which did things right. Instead, Independence Day the video game offered tedious game mechanics and dreadful graphics with pixels bleeding all over the place and stages doing disappearing tricks. Imagine flying around hours and hours of trying to figure out what the hell you're suppose to do until you realize it the same god-damn objective you've been doing throughout the game -- blowing up pixelated alien spaceships and other unidentifiable in-game objects.
11. Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green (PC, Xbox)
Wow, was it really hard to make a decent zombie-action game when it's been done about a thousand times already? Apparently the Canucks over at Groove Games thought it was such a difficult task to undertake such a cool concept like George Romero's zombie flicks and ended up shitting out a buggy, glitched-filled game that's 0% fun to play. I could have settled with just a mindless shooting game where you shoot everything that moves, but I've seen modded first-person shooters created by 10 year olds much better than this.
12. Charlie's Angels (Nintendo Gamecube, Playstation 2)
I cannot find any good reason to play this dud. Even if you were a horny teenage boy dealing with puberty, you're better off playing the jiggly-breasts fest of Dead Or Alive than Charlie's Angels.
What amazes me about this game is that for a title that rides on the fact it's a Final Fight with bikini-clad women can still be unplayable. The look on Drew Barrymore's face on the cover looks like she's asking herself, "What the fuck did I do to deserve this?"
13. Friday the 13th (NES)
Wooooo boy, where to begin with this one? The reason this game has stood the test of time is for being an epic failure of a game. Instead of Jason Voorhes being the menacing beast of a serial killer as he is in the movies, this NES port has him as a bumbling idiot wearing purple jammies while brandishing a giant toothbrush. I'll cut the game's makers, LJN, some slack if they did this only to satisfy Nintendo's strict standards and practices, but otherwise it looks like the guys at LJN were watching the wrong movie.
14. Waterworld (Virtual Boy)
Listen folks, with the amount of firepower this bomb of a game based on a bomb of a movie for a bomb of a game system, you have enough to set off 10 atomic bombs. If you happened to overcome the motion sickness of shoving your eyes to a Virtual Boy, then you'll know how ill-conceived the Virtual Boy was. No matter what game you played on it -- even if it was a Super Mario or Zelda game -- you got nothing but the red menace graphics while trying to figure out what in the world is going on.
I guess it's perfectly fitting for a Kevin Costner movie that was a multi-million dollar flop to be featured on a system that was a flop as well.
15. Congo: The Video Game (Sega Saturn)
Remember back in the day when games that featured full-motion video clips screamed "ITS ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE PLAYING THE MOVIE"? We sure have come a long way buddy.
The biggest flaw about Congo (despite the fact the movie wasn't even that good to begin with) was its blatant use of FMV throughout the game. This Sega-produced game was mostly about scientists, tribesmen, and other casts of characters babbling about diamonds and monkeys while giant black and green pixels attacked you with red and blue squares. If you happen to understand what was actually going on throughout this entire process, please feel free to e-mail to enlighten me.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Top 10 Absolutely Unnecessary Film Adaptations
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Hollywood has officially run out of ideas. By looking last two months alone, about 10 movies were released that were either remakes or based off of something like a comic book or novel. That's about one every week among the 3 or 4 releases they put out every Friday.
Most remakes are bad, but what really irks people the most is what Hollywood decides what they'll make a movie out of. Historically, many films based off of books have been successful, but as people begin to distract themselves with other things like video games and toys, movie studios needed to find a solution. As you'll see here, it's not always a surefire winner if you decide to produce a movie based off a line of slutty toy dolls or unfunny comic strips.
Note: You'll probably notice that I haven't included any movies from notorious German director Uwe Boll. Granted many of his films truly deserve to be on this list, I'd figure I only be beating the far beyond decomposed dead horse by knocking on the poor kraut.
Dis-honorable Mention: No Holds Barred (1989)
Not a direct adaptation, but a more loose adaptation of how things were in the World Wrestling Federation during the late 1980's. In order to appease Hulk Hogan's Jupiter-sized ego, Vince McMahon order a movie to be produced to feature none other than -- who else? -- Hulkster himself. The entire film was written out to be like a typical, cheesy WWF storyline, which isn't necessarily a good thing for a 93 minute movie that's crudely written and features a half-naked Hulk Hogan *shudders*
10. Magic 8 Ball (2011)
Even though its in the beginning stages of filming, this one will definitely be a stinker. I can already see the plot from a mile away: it's about a Magic 8 Ball that predicts the future and comes true! If you didn't see that coming, you must be either under 7 years old or the world's most naive person.
9. Garfield: The Movie (2004)
Jim Davis is one slick bastard. Over the past 30 years, Mr. Davis has disguised a serial novella about a man suffering from a cocktail of schizophrenia, narcissism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression into a comic strip involving a fat cat who likes lasagna. The ever funny Garfield Minus Garfield peels away the skin to show what Garfield's true nature is.
However, the bubble-headed producers at 20th Century Fox never got clued in about this and made a dumb movie that was about "HURRRR DURRRRRRR, WHAT A LAZY CAT, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!11!!" The confusing casting call is what makes the Garfield movie mind numbing. It would've made much more sense to cast Bill Murray as Jon Arbuckle as he better fits the description of a man who suffers such mental and emotional disorders and lives with a cat to channel his emotions towards. But instead, we got the perky as ever Breckin Meyer to play Jon. The only explanation that Meyer got the role is the audience is suppose to believe Jon's awash in prescription medicine to combat his disorders. Also, when the fuck did Jon become a hit with the ladies? If you've followed the comic, you see that no matter what -- even if he pays for sex -- he's still a lonely virgin loser.
8. Bratz (2007)
Don't get me wrong; it's not the notion these dolls are promoting that little girls should dress up like sluts that bothers me the most. What bothers me is kids these days want to have dolls that look like freakish aliens with a tragic botox accident known as their lips. Luckily we're spared the hideousness in form of a live-action movie, but it still preaches that every girl between the ages of 7 and 14 should be a "classy" whore.
7. The Country Bears (2002)
Back in 2001, Disney ordered to have movie adaptations made based on two of their attractions found in Magic Kingdom. One of them was Pirates of the Caribbean, which became a huge success thanks to Johnny Deep's leading role as the lovable Captain Jack Sparrow. Pirates of the Caribbean would spawn several sequels and a huge source of revenue for Disney. The other movie...well, it didn't really get off the ground at all and just faltered big time.
I don't remember much about the Country Bears show in Magic Kingdom, but I think I do recall that it was one of those attractions full of animatronic bears and no one gave a damn about. I think it had to do in part that it was located next door to one of the restaurants and everyone wanted them to shut the hell up so they can eat their rat burgers and greasy fries in peace.
Also, Haley Joel Osment (the kid from Sixth Sense) provided the voice for the lead character as this would be one of his last major role in a movie. Reason why? Puberty has been such a bitch for Haley, I mean take a look at him now...
Don't you just want to punch him in the face? Guess the stress of being in a movie about Disney's least-favorite attraction got to him.
6. Howard the Duck (1986)
This movie would have been off the hook hadn't I been informed this was based off of a Marvel comic book, so no free pass for you! Probably the dumbest character Marvel has created, Howard the Duck is simply a direct ripoff of Donald Duck. While Marvel originally intended Howard the Duck to be all about fun and games with a side of comic relief, a multimillion dollar budget film seemed like a rather odd choice considering this was Marvel's first stab at the film market. That's right; before we all came to love the string of Marvel Comic flicks like Spider Man, X-Men, and Iron Man, Stan Lee and crew chose the anthropomorphic duck to represent the M.
OH, guess who wanted to adapt Howard the Duck into a movie in the first place? George Lucas of course (makes sense).
Interesting Fact: Looks like one of the producers for the movie would totally agreed with my title of "Absolutely Unnecessary Film Adaptation". There is a rumor that Universal Pictures producers Frank Price and Sidney Sheinberg engaged in a fistfight while arguing over which one of them actually green lighted this piece of turd. Only in Hollywood.
5. Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)
I think this one should have been called "My 90 Minutes Back, Where Are You?" Good lord did this adaptation of the classic TV show sucked hard. When you got a cast that consists of Buster Pointdexter, Rosie O'Donnell, Daniel Baldwin, and Fran Drescher; you know you're in for an absolute terrible time in watching Car 54. Joe E. Ross and Fred Gwynne certainly didn't deserve this sort of treatment as you'll probably want to punch babies after sitting through maybe 5 or 10 minutes of this treachery. Hell, this was originally going to be released in 1990, but after Orion Pictures went bankrupt, Car 54 never saw the light of day until 4 years later. Why they didn't just leave it on the shelf is beyond me.
Interesting Fact: Al Lewis (better known as Grandpa Munster) reprised his role from the original show, but he should have done his best Grandpa Munster impersonation and stayed in the casket.
4. It's Pat: The Movie (1994)
If you happen to look up "one-dimensional" in the dictionary, you'd probably find It's Pat: The Movie as one of the definitions.
The whole "Pat" routine by Julia Sweeney is arguably the worst reoccurring sketch in Saturday Night Live's history. You can do so much (or so little) with a premise that involves guessing the character's gender as the entire punchline. It should have been left as a single 5-minute sketch and call it a day, but someone thought it should be brought on as an 80-minute dudfest of a film. I can only recommend this movie if you happen to suffer from severe short-term memory loss.
Interesting Fact: Julia Sweeney now has her own one-woman standup shows which are about her conversion to atheism. I'm guessing with It's Pat: The Movie, she thought there was no god if something like this was allowed to happen.
3. The Cat In The Hat (2004)
Haven't Universal Pictures learned their lesson from the amount of backlash in releasing the terrible How The Grinch Stole Christmas movie in 2000 featuring Jim Carrey? It's one thing to rape the good name of Dr. Seuss, but Universal's Cat In The Hat goes beyond necrophilia.
I'd like to know who exactly thought it was a wise move to bring back the creepy makeup and visuals from the Grinch for The Cat In The Hat. I mean, what came first -- Universal's plan to adapt Dr. Seuss' Cat In The Hat or their insistence to rehire the same production designer from The Grinch?
I'm all for sharing with our kids some of the classics we grew up with, but this will scare them permanently from letting you read any more Dr. Seuss books to them.
2. Super Mario Bros. (1993)
This movie adaptation of the world's most beloved video game franchise beloved is proof some things shouldn't necessarily be produced into a movie just because it made a lot of friggin' money.
Things would have been easier for Hollywood Pictures, the film company who made Super Mario Bros., to have made this one a full-length cartoon and called it a day. But instead, they thought it would be better if they converted Nintendo's benchmark title into a live-action film. The downfall behind that logic is by taking one look at the "plot" behind Super Mario Bros., you'll see that it looks like a one big psychedelic acid trip.
In the Super Mario Bros. game, there's two Italian plumbers from Brooklyn who get transported through plumbing pipes to a far away kingdom inhabited by mushroom people and are called upon to save a princess from a massive turtle-like creature. Also, said plumbers can grow to larger size by ingesting mushrooms and achieve temporary invincibility by touching stars with eyeballs.
Now that's a helluva lot of stuff to digest for an average moviegoer, but Hollywood Pictures made things even worse by taking the game's "plot" and other references from the series and sticking it in a blender. I would love to see the look of Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo's faces when the studio pitched their version of Super Mario Bros. to them.
Interesting Fact: In order to make it through filming, Hoskins and Leguizamo would get drunk before they went to work. Hey, I'd probably do the same thing too if I was put in that situation.
1. The Honeymooners (2005)
Seriously, what the fuck. As a fan of the original Honeymooners sitcom, this blasphemy makes me question if God truly exists. So move over Julia Sweeny, I'm starting my own one-man atheist show.
The biggest problem about this half-baked adaptation is Cedric the Entertainer plays the role of Ralph Krandem who should and only be played by the legendary Jackie Gleason. Cedric the Entertainer is neither funny or entertaining, so I don't how he's been living his lie for such a long time with his title.
The douchebag who directed this, John Schultz, had his first big break by directing "The Making of Jurassic Park". Think about it; if you're head of a movie company and go after a guy who directed a movie about the making of someone else's movie, you've just shown you don't give two shits about the project.
Another asinine thing about this whole disaster was that in order to recapture the charm of 1950s Queens, NY, Paramount Pictures decided it made sense to film on location in Ireland. Yes, Ireland. Reminds me of that time they filmed Scott of the Antarctic at the beach. I'm sure Paramount feared that if they filmed the Honeymooners movie in the States and word got out on the streets; there would be a riot on our hands.
The funny thing about this giant piece of shit movie is if you strip away any reference to The Honeymooners, it would probably be the dullest comedy ever made. Also, most comedies that's suppose to be geared towards black people (in truth, mostly white people enjoy it more) usually fall flat on their face, and this one is no exception. Well, no matter what race, religion, or complexion you are, you'll find this movie to be not funny at all.
Most remakes are bad, but what really irks people the most is what Hollywood decides what they'll make a movie out of. Historically, many films based off of books have been successful, but as people begin to distract themselves with other things like video games and toys, movie studios needed to find a solution. As you'll see here, it's not always a surefire winner if you decide to produce a movie based off a line of slutty toy dolls or unfunny comic strips.
Note: You'll probably notice that I haven't included any movies from notorious German director Uwe Boll. Granted many of his films truly deserve to be on this list, I'd figure I only be beating the far beyond decomposed dead horse by knocking on the poor kraut.
Dis-honorable Mention: No Holds Barred (1989)
Not a direct adaptation, but a more loose adaptation of how things were in the World Wrestling Federation during the late 1980's. In order to appease Hulk Hogan's Jupiter-sized ego, Vince McMahon order a movie to be produced to feature none other than -- who else? -- Hulkster himself. The entire film was written out to be like a typical, cheesy WWF storyline, which isn't necessarily a good thing for a 93 minute movie that's crudely written and features a half-naked Hulk Hogan *shudders*
10. Magic 8 Ball (2011)
Even though its in the beginning stages of filming, this one will definitely be a stinker. I can already see the plot from a mile away: it's about a Magic 8 Ball that predicts the future and comes true! If you didn't see that coming, you must be either under 7 years old or the world's most naive person.
9. Garfield: The Movie (2004)
Jim Davis is one slick bastard. Over the past 30 years, Mr. Davis has disguised a serial novella about a man suffering from a cocktail of schizophrenia, narcissism, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and depression into a comic strip involving a fat cat who likes lasagna. The ever funny Garfield Minus Garfield peels away the skin to show what Garfield's true nature is.
However, the bubble-headed producers at 20th Century Fox never got clued in about this and made a dumb movie that was about "HURRRR DURRRRRRR, WHAT A LAZY CAT, LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!11!!" The confusing casting call is what makes the Garfield movie mind numbing. It would've made much more sense to cast Bill Murray as Jon Arbuckle as he better fits the description of a man who suffers such mental and emotional disorders and lives with a cat to channel his emotions towards. But instead, we got the perky as ever Breckin Meyer to play Jon. The only explanation that Meyer got the role is the audience is suppose to believe Jon's awash in prescription medicine to combat his disorders. Also, when the fuck did Jon become a hit with the ladies? If you've followed the comic, you see that no matter what -- even if he pays for sex -- he's still a lonely virgin loser.
8. Bratz (2007)
Don't get me wrong; it's not the notion these dolls are promoting that little girls should dress up like sluts that bothers me the most. What bothers me is kids these days want to have dolls that look like freakish aliens with a tragic botox accident known as their lips. Luckily we're spared the hideousness in form of a live-action movie, but it still preaches that every girl between the ages of 7 and 14 should be a "classy" whore.
7. The Country Bears (2002)
Back in 2001, Disney ordered to have movie adaptations made based on two of their attractions found in Magic Kingdom. One of them was Pirates of the Caribbean, which became a huge success thanks to Johnny Deep's leading role as the lovable Captain Jack Sparrow. Pirates of the Caribbean would spawn several sequels and a huge source of revenue for Disney. The other movie...well, it didn't really get off the ground at all and just faltered big time.
I don't remember much about the Country Bears show in Magic Kingdom, but I think I do recall that it was one of those attractions full of animatronic bears and no one gave a damn about. I think it had to do in part that it was located next door to one of the restaurants and everyone wanted them to shut the hell up so they can eat their rat burgers and greasy fries in peace.
Also, Haley Joel Osment (the kid from Sixth Sense) provided the voice for the lead character as this would be one of his last major role in a movie. Reason why? Puberty has been such a bitch for Haley, I mean take a look at him now...
Don't you just want to punch him in the face? Guess the stress of being in a movie about Disney's least-favorite attraction got to him.
6. Howard the Duck (1986)
This movie would have been off the hook hadn't I been informed this was based off of a Marvel comic book, so no free pass for you! Probably the dumbest character Marvel has created, Howard the Duck is simply a direct ripoff of Donald Duck. While Marvel originally intended Howard the Duck to be all about fun and games with a side of comic relief, a multimillion dollar budget film seemed like a rather odd choice considering this was Marvel's first stab at the film market. That's right; before we all came to love the string of Marvel Comic flicks like Spider Man, X-Men, and Iron Man, Stan Lee and crew chose the anthropomorphic duck to represent the M.
OH, guess who wanted to adapt Howard the Duck into a movie in the first place? George Lucas of course (makes sense).
Interesting Fact: Looks like one of the producers for the movie would totally agreed with my title of "Absolutely Unnecessary Film Adaptation". There is a rumor that Universal Pictures producers Frank Price and Sidney Sheinberg engaged in a fistfight while arguing over which one of them actually green lighted this piece of turd. Only in Hollywood.
5. Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)
I think this one should have been called "My 90 Minutes Back, Where Are You?" Good lord did this adaptation of the classic TV show sucked hard. When you got a cast that consists of Buster Pointdexter, Rosie O'Donnell, Daniel Baldwin, and Fran Drescher; you know you're in for an absolute terrible time in watching Car 54. Joe E. Ross and Fred Gwynne certainly didn't deserve this sort of treatment as you'll probably want to punch babies after sitting through maybe 5 or 10 minutes of this treachery. Hell, this was originally going to be released in 1990, but after Orion Pictures went bankrupt, Car 54 never saw the light of day until 4 years later. Why they didn't just leave it on the shelf is beyond me.
Interesting Fact: Al Lewis (better known as Grandpa Munster) reprised his role from the original show, but he should have done his best Grandpa Munster impersonation and stayed in the casket.
4. It's Pat: The Movie (1994)
If you happen to look up "one-dimensional" in the dictionary, you'd probably find It's Pat: The Movie as one of the definitions.
The whole "Pat" routine by Julia Sweeney is arguably the worst reoccurring sketch in Saturday Night Live's history. You can do so much (or so little) with a premise that involves guessing the character's gender as the entire punchline. It should have been left as a single 5-minute sketch and call it a day, but someone thought it should be brought on as an 80-minute dudfest of a film. I can only recommend this movie if you happen to suffer from severe short-term memory loss.
Interesting Fact: Julia Sweeney now has her own one-woman standup shows which are about her conversion to atheism. I'm guessing with It's Pat: The Movie, she thought there was no god if something like this was allowed to happen.
3. The Cat In The Hat (2004)
Haven't Universal Pictures learned their lesson from the amount of backlash in releasing the terrible How The Grinch Stole Christmas movie in 2000 featuring Jim Carrey? It's one thing to rape the good name of Dr. Seuss, but Universal's Cat In The Hat goes beyond necrophilia.
I'd like to know who exactly thought it was a wise move to bring back the creepy makeup and visuals from the Grinch for The Cat In The Hat. I mean, what came first -- Universal's plan to adapt Dr. Seuss' Cat In The Hat or their insistence to rehire the same production designer from The Grinch?
I'm all for sharing with our kids some of the classics we grew up with, but this will scare them permanently from letting you read any more Dr. Seuss books to them.
2. Super Mario Bros. (1993)
This movie adaptation of the world's most beloved video game franchise beloved is proof some things shouldn't necessarily be produced into a movie just because it made a lot of friggin' money.
Things would have been easier for Hollywood Pictures, the film company who made Super Mario Bros., to have made this one a full-length cartoon and called it a day. But instead, they thought it would be better if they converted Nintendo's benchmark title into a live-action film. The downfall behind that logic is by taking one look at the "plot" behind Super Mario Bros., you'll see that it looks like a one big psychedelic acid trip.
In the Super Mario Bros. game, there's two Italian plumbers from Brooklyn who get transported through plumbing pipes to a far away kingdom inhabited by mushroom people and are called upon to save a princess from a massive turtle-like creature. Also, said plumbers can grow to larger size by ingesting mushrooms and achieve temporary invincibility by touching stars with eyeballs.
Now that's a helluva lot of stuff to digest for an average moviegoer, but Hollywood Pictures made things even worse by taking the game's "plot" and other references from the series and sticking it in a blender. I would love to see the look of Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo's faces when the studio pitched their version of Super Mario Bros. to them.
Interesting Fact: In order to make it through filming, Hoskins and Leguizamo would get drunk before they went to work. Hey, I'd probably do the same thing too if I was put in that situation.
1. The Honeymooners (2005)
Seriously, what the fuck. As a fan of the original Honeymooners sitcom, this blasphemy makes me question if God truly exists. So move over Julia Sweeny, I'm starting my own one-man atheist show.
The biggest problem about this half-baked adaptation is Cedric the Entertainer plays the role of Ralph Krandem who should and only be played by the legendary Jackie Gleason. Cedric the Entertainer is neither funny or entertaining, so I don't how he's been living his lie for such a long time with his title.
The douchebag who directed this, John Schultz, had his first big break by directing "The Making of Jurassic Park". Think about it; if you're head of a movie company and go after a guy who directed a movie about the making of someone else's movie, you've just shown you don't give two shits about the project.
Another asinine thing about this whole disaster was that in order to recapture the charm of 1950s Queens, NY, Paramount Pictures decided it made sense to film on location in Ireland. Yes, Ireland. Reminds me of that time they filmed Scott of the Antarctic at the beach. I'm sure Paramount feared that if they filmed the Honeymooners movie in the States and word got out on the streets; there would be a riot on our hands.
The funny thing about this giant piece of shit movie is if you strip away any reference to The Honeymooners, it would probably be the dullest comedy ever made. Also, most comedies that's suppose to be geared towards black people (in truth, mostly white people enjoy it more) usually fall flat on their face, and this one is no exception. Well, no matter what race, religion, or complexion you are, you'll find this movie to be not funny at all.
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